Trying to accept myself

Yes, this is a rant. Not a cry for help or a self loathing pity party.

I HATE the way I look and feel right now. I knew that my body after baby number 2 would be different but I did not anticipate how much I would loathe it.

I worked so hard after Rosalie to get my body back to what it was. It took a lot of exercise and motivation to reach my goals but I managed to do it. I told myself that this time around would be the same. That I would hit the gym right when I was done healing. Here I am, 6 weeks later...feeling and looking like I'm still 5 months pregnant.

I started this pregnancy at 126 pounds. I ended at 158. I am currently 140. None of my pre pregnancy clothes fit and shopping for new ones is always a bust. Not even my shoes look right on me since I'm carrying all this new weight in my legs and midsection. I am feeling embarrassed to leave the house, let alone go out and get dressed for a nice occasion. I'm two dress sizes up from what I used to be and I want to delete every picture I take that shows my body from the neck down. Yes, I feel that horrible.

You can think to yourself "What is she talking about? She doesn't even look that bad." But like I said, I'm not fishing for compliments here, this is just the reality of what we normal women face when our body changes so drastically after a pregnancy. It toys with our emotions. It has left me sensitive and self conscious. And with all my new time constraints and the scarcity of rest, let alone sleep, I can't even begin to motivate myself to go the gym.  And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk supply. So it leaves me here. Helpless about the way I feel.

This is kind of a pointless post, but I just needed to vent. I wanted to expose the true nature of what I'm going through now as a mother of two. I love my children to death. They're my world. But you really do give up a lot of yourself to motherhood and physical appearance is just one of the many casualties for me. I know that as the months go by, I'll find a way to feel better about myself and enjoy looking in the mirror again, but for now, this is me. I keep trying to tell myself to give my body
 a break. After all, it did make and sustain two living human beings. But when I stand there surrounded by all my beautiful friends and see all these clothes in my closet that I can't even wear....it's hard not to get sad.

I guess for now all I can do is try to stay healthy and focus on giving my babies the best parts of me. I hope I can eventually reach the point where I am finally feeling like me...but til then, there's always spanks and stretchy pants.