The Hardest Part....

This morning, the sound of Rosalie's voice penetrated through my ear plugs and I awoke to see her smiling face next to me on my bed.  (Ear plugs? Yes. With a husband and a 60 lb. bulldog that snore simultaneously, I would never be able to sleep without them!) Her daddy must've put her there before he hopped in the shower. Although it was 6:45 in the morning and I had trouble sleeping the night before, I already knew it was going to be a good day.

These last few months are so bittersweet for me. I feel like I'm tightly embracing these remaining days with Rosalie as my only child with all of my might, not for the sake of sadness, but because I know that pretty soon, I will not fill that role as being her favorite play mate anymore.

Last night I had a dream that she was getting married. I couldn't see the lucky guy's face and she just sat there, this beautiful stranger that I faintly recognized. I was still young and looking like my present self and I was giving the welcoming toast for the reception. I only said a few sentences and I wanted to write them in here before I forgot. It went something like this: "Rosalie, when you were growing up, there were times that I'd just stare at you with so much love and awe and think "I can't believe that she is mine." I knew that (insert mystery name here) was the one for you when I caught him one day giving you the same exact look. I'm so happy that you've found each other. Take care of my baby or else her dad will kill you. Cheers!" As you can imagine I woke up with cold sweats and tears in my eyes because the thought of giving my baby away is in no way pleasant! (Although, I think I WILL save that speech for her actual wedding day).

You see, this pregnancy has been hard...REAL hard. It seems like I sailed through my first one with ease and had a delivery that was written only in fairy tales - but not with this baby. The first thing I always get asked is "How's the pregnancy going?" Although I always want to make a sour face and tell them that I'm miserable and in pain, I smile and say, "It's going good!" Occassionally I'll throw in a quip about me being tired as heck, but that's as far as I'll go. But from backaches, to vivid dreams, to strange complications that have had me on pelvic rest, I must agree with those who say that "every pregnancy is different." If this is any implication of days to come, I know that I'm going to have my hands full with this little boy!

Am I scared of giving birth again? Not at all. Am I nervous about juggling 2 children, a career, and staying afloat with finances? A little. But God always provides. But you know what terrifies me to death? The fact that 2 halves of my heart are going to be walking around this Earth and I can't be there to protect them from every little thing that life is going to throw their way.

In reality, the hardest part about being a parent is not spending money or finding time to to still have a social life. The hardest thing about being a parent is dealing with the anxiety and worry that you feel on a daily basis knowing that your most valuable possesssions are not locked safely away in a vault that protects them from hurt, pain, and life in general. Each time you have a child, you send another valuable possession out there into the world and that is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in life.

Every mother goes through the sleepless nights and the tiring days where it feels like every single part of them  is spent and the best you can do is cry a little to relieve some pressure. But every night, that same mother probably goes to bed praying and hoping that they get to wake up again and see their children enjoy another day. I may not love being pregnant at the moment but I know that this is who I was meant to be. I sometimes wish I went to school a little longer or travelled the world a bit, but knowing that I'd have to give up everything I have today to do so..Not a chance. This is the path that God has put me on and as hard as it is sometimes, I would give my life just to know that my kids will always be safe. I found this picture online and I feel like this pretty much sums it up:

(Or daddy)

 

So to all the parents, soon-to-be parents, or anyone who aspires to be a parent one day - I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you are, or are destined to be, somebody's angel.

Just an Update

These past few months have been pretty hectic for us. We've had lots of big changes from Anthony going back to school part-time, to me changing career directions, to personal family struggles that we've had to overcome that weren't always so easy.

Hanging out on the beach of Puerto Vallarta

Luckily for us, we had planned a vacation with our friends to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico which happened to come at the perfect time. Right when I felt like I was going to blow my lid off, we were able to get a small escape from reality, just the two of us. It was beautiful there. The weather was perfect, we were in good company with some of our close friends, and we were ready to let loose. We stayed at Dreams All-inclusive Resort. This was our first time coming to Puerto Vallarta, let alone experiencing the luxury of all-inclusive, and let me tell you, we took full advantage of this! 24-hour room service, amazing waterfront restaurants, and cocktails included? What more could you ask for? Needless to say, we had a GREAT time. We missed our baby but mommy and daddy needed a break!

Rosalie is almost 9 months old now and her personality is really shining through. Her smiles are priceless and she does a little army crawl to get around. She babbles, shes screams, she sleeping less and less during the day and more during the night. Watching her grow is amazing. She is definitely getting to be very clingy to me, always looking around for me and wanting me to carry her. She screams bloody murder as soon as I walk out of the room! It's flattering but at the same time, I feel bad that she doesn't let other people play with her as freely as she once did when she was a couple months younger.

This has been a bit of a problem since she has recently started day care. She's only been there a couple times so I can't really tell you how well it's going. It's been really tough for me to leave her in the care of someone I barely know, but I definitely researched a lot of local day care options and I've found that this home day care was probably the best option for us. It breaks my heart knowing that she is not being taken care of the way that she would be if she was with me or her dad, but I'm hoping that she will adjust and so will I.

Happy Baby at 8 months old

I have also cut down my hours at work to only 3 days a week to be with her more often than not. For the past month I've been really torn about what I should do about child care but in the end I decided it was best to meet halfway and do day care only half the time and just cut down my time at work. I honestly wish I knew how other working moms do it. Especially moms with other kids. One of the reasons I'm scared to have another baby is finding child care options for two children. I always wish that we had more options...me being a full time work-at-home mom sounds ideal but how would I find such a job? You really have to pick and choose what sacrifices you make in life. To work or not to work? To be at home with your child or work to provide for your child? Either way, I know that I am very blessed to be working so I will continue to do what I feel is best for my family.

Although we've faced our challenges, I feel that we grow closer as a family everyday. Marriage and mommyhood is not always easy. Some days get the best of us but we do what we can to move forward and continue to grow as people and as parents. I really feel that these past two months have thrown it's fair share of challenges at us, but here we are, still madly in love and still happy. In the end I know that it really isn't about how many times life knocks you down, but how many times you choose to get up again.

So glad we made it...Look how far we've come, my baby

Together, we made it. The 3 of us have made it to month 4 of Rosalie's life, and like her, I am reaching my own  developmental milestones.

I've been singing a whole new tune these past few days, and believe me, it's a happier one. Every time I've read over that last post about being "real", I've realized how solemn I've been and how my emotional struggle of being a new mom has managed to ease itself comfortably between the lines of my entries. While I've had my fair share of baby blues, it feels so good to finally get something right and to start feel a little normal again.

The little lady

I was feeling emotionally conflicted because I wanted to be honest with myself and admit that being a parent was downright hard, but at the same time, I felt like the luckiest person in the world for being blessed with a healthy and beautiful baby girl. I struggled to accept all the changes that were happening in my life, along with all the new responsibilities of being a parent. My constant worrying and fear of change was causing me anxiety, and it showed.

But something happened. Like a slap in the face, we had a scare of an accident the day before we left for Miami. Rosalie was in the car with us, and when our car collided with the other one, every hair on my body stood up and my only thought was to throw myself onto her carseat to make sure that she was safe. No need to worry, the accident wasn't a bad one..but just enough to scare the begeezus out of me.

As we waited on the side of the road for help to come, I held Rosalie on my lap as she happily outlined the Mickey Mouse on my shirt with her little finger. I remember looking at her and being so relieved that she was safe, and even though she wasn't hurt and will probably never remember it, I wish she hadn't been in the car with us that day to experience that. Had something happened to her, I would've traded every sleepless night and sore muscle I've ever had just to rewind time. The thought of it alone makes me sick to my stomach.

This past month, I've come to realize that the problem wasn't that I was losing my sleep and sanity, the problem was that I struggled with being a perfect mom...and condering the fact that this is my first baby, I had no clue what I was doing. I resorted to books and websites...anything I could find that would tell me what was supposed to be happening and how my baby should be acting at this age and that. I had expectations...and when those expectations weren't fulfilled, I'd think to myself "What am I doing wrong" "Why isn't she sleeping through the night yet?" "Why is she so small?" I was trying to raise her "by the book" and obviously, that wasn't working. I was my biggest critic, and the pressure that I was putting on myself to be a good mom, to lose weight, be a good wife, and to never ask for help was really weighing down on me and affecting how I viewed myself as a mother...as a person.

Me and my chubby little princess

Since then, I've learned to just relax and follow my own cues and not some expert who is a complete stranger to me and family. I've been so much happier with myself as a parent because I've learned to let go of my expectations and just enjoy her and all the little things that make our time together so special. She's developing so quickly and learning new things everyday at such a fast rate that I want to slap myself for ever wanting to fast forward time. She laughs and coos, smiles and screams, and even reaches for things and plays with her own reflection. Before I know it, she'll be going to school and facing the world on her own, and as much as I want to keep her safe from pain and danger, I know I can't bubble wrap her and keep her at home forever.

Right now, I couldn't be any happier with where I'm at. I feel much more comfortable and confident as a mom...I'm learning to trust myself and my instincts. Her personality is really starting to shine and being with her is such a joy. Anthony and I are enjoying taking her out and letting her explore all her new surroundings, and so is she! Now that I'm back to work, every minute with her counts...So when she wakes up hungry at 3 a.m., or simply just wanting to be held, that's more than okay...because most of the time, I want to hold her too.

From Mere Mortal to Mom

Aside from sharing your baby's birth story, you begin to realize that motherhood in itself is a whole new journey that makes labor and delivery look like a distant thing of the past. Not many people talk too much in detail about the emotional rollercoaster of being a new parent. Since this blog is about my life journey and starting a new family, I'll try my best to share with my readers my emotional and physical experiences that I endure.

No parent can look you in the eye and tell you that bringing a baby home is easy. They'd be lying.
The first night in the hospital, little Rosalie would cry on and off every other hour or so and hated to be put down to sleep on her own. It was a tough transition bringing her home and having to be stuck to her 24/7. I read and read all these articles about newborn babies to see if this behavior was normal. Well, of course it is! What baby that is fresh out of the womb would be comfortable being put down in a dark, cold, crib by herself? It has taken some time and patience but I feel like I'm starting to understand her more and more which have made the nights easier.

These past 5 days with my baby and husband have brought about a number of feelings and realizations about myself:

1) My Body is Amazing: Sorry, no. But that I didn't meant that I'm slipping into my skinny jeans already, but my self worth has sky-rocketed through the roof! Knowing that I am supporting another human being and that her life depends on me makes me appreciate myself much more. Breast feeding has not been easy. It's tedious, time consuming, and can be painful, but it's up to me to ensure that Rosalie gets the best care possible, and if that means making that sacrifice, I am more than willing to do it. Even if it means she'll have to be stuck to me for the coming months, I have to keep telling myself that her infancy will only last so long and soon enough, I'll be missing these nights when all she needed in life was to be hugged by her mommy and daddy.

2) My heart has opened wider than I ever thought possible: Nothing scares me more than something happening to my baby or my husband. When Rosalie was born, she was a bit jaundiced (there was a chemical imbalance in her blood which caused a slight yellowing in her skin. This is common in perfectly healthy babies). Her levels were a little high, and when I went to my follow up appointment, she had lost about 10% of her birthweight, which is the maximum she could lose before it becomes a cause for concern. When we got home from the doctor, I sat on the floor, held my baby and cried. It was the worst feeling in the world! Seeing her get her blood drawn 3 days in a row and knowing that there was something wrong took more of a toll on me than anything that has ever happened to my own body. I sat there and cried, and prayed harder than I ever have that she would just be ok.
Needless to say, we went back to the doctor's today, and she has gained 5 oz in the last 2 days which is great! And her level of jaundice has began to digress, meaning that there is no threat to her and no treatment needed. It feels like a million pounds has been lifted off of my shoulders. I know there will be more incidents in the future, so I know I must prepare myself  for those future times that she will scrape her knee or gets her feelings hurt. It's hard to be jaded or self centered once your a mom. I've gained much needed perspective and my compassionate side is blossoming, and I'm finally growing up. It's a beautiful thing.

3) With the addition of a baby, my priorities and values become clear. I am so impressed by my husband who has shown me that we are more of a team that I could have ever imagined. He is sacrificing just as much as I am and although he has had his moments of frustration, he has taken it all in stride. He kisses Rosalie with every chance that he gets. He rocks her to sleep and talks to her non-stop. He's been the "man of the house". Even the simplest moments where I fall asleep on the recliner and he sleeps on the couch next to me just so I'm within arms reach makes me warm and fuzzy inside. I have made my own little family, and right now nothing matters more than providing what I can and making sure that I'm the best mommy and wife that I can be.

There's so much more to write, and so much more to say about being a new mom so I hope that I have been able to touch some of you in a new way that I have never shared before. I want to get all the nitty gritty stuff eventually, such as my postpartum weight loss journey, but for now, I'm going to close my laptop and give me husband and baby a kiss because my heart is overflowing with love just writing this.

Welcome to the world, Rosalie Mae!

You always envision what your birth experience would be like, and after 9 months of anticipation, it's hard to believe that I'm actually on here writing about mine! You always read about it in the books, but it's so surreal when it finally happens to you. I wanted to type it while the feelings are still fresh, and thanks to all the help that I've been getting from my husband and 2 sets of parents, I'm able to sit here and do it.

The week between Xmas and New Year's was my first week off of work, so I took my time cleaning the house and visiting friends...running all my errands while I still could. I was getting awfully tired of being pregnant...the discomfort, the tightness in my stomach, and the sleepless nights. I was constantly joking with my friends that I was ready for this baby to come out! Little did I know, she was as ready as I was!

It was just another New Year's Eve and  Anthony and I were looking forward to celebrating our first midnight countdown together. We had scheduled to take maternity pictures with our good friends, Bethies and CQ. At 3 PM, we started our shoot and at by 5PM, we are eating dinner at Yard House with them. I felt totally fine, just a little exhausted from the walking around and all the posing we were doing from the pictures. I did feel awfully hungry though! It's a good thing I ate a pretty hefty meal, I'm sure it contributed in helping me keep my energy up for all the pushing I was about to do.

When we got home, at around 6:30, I wanted to take a nap before we went out to my Uncle's house down the street for a New Year's Eve party. So, I hopped into bed. I tossed and turned a little bit so I never really got into a deep sleep. I was laying on my side, when all of a sudden I felt a POP. I figured I should go to the bathroom and check it out cause I was starting to get a little crampy. When I stood up, I felt a trickle of water go down my leg. Uh-oh. I grabbed a dirty shirt from the laundry and covered up. Lo and behold, the t-shirt was getting wetter by the minute and I knew my water had broken. The first thoughts in my head were "Nooo way" and "What do I do now!". I ran outside and Anthony was playing video games. "Babe, something happened" I said as I showed him the stained t-shirt. He smiled in anticipation and said "Is it time?? I'll go grab the stuff". He was so calm and composed and my head was running 100 mph on all the things I had to do before we left, why wasn't I feeling contractions yet, who should I call, etc. I grabbed my phone and the first person I called was my dad. Told him my water broke, and coincidentally, they were 5 minutes away from my house because they were already on their way to the party down the street. They told my sister who was in Hawaii at the time. She was devastated that she couldn't be here.

By the time they got to my place, I told my dad to take Romwell to their house and my mom would ride with me and Anthony to the hospital. When we got in the car, I started feeling the pain of the contractions. They were about 5 minutes apart, not too strong, but pretty painful. They felt like really strong period cramps that would escalate and then drop off. When we got to labor and delivery at the hospital (felt like a 2 hour car ride!), they admitted me right away because I still had the stained tshirt with me and they knew it was my water. The pain was starting to get worse and worse as we waited for the midwife to come and check my dilation. When she got in, her eyes widened and she said "Wanna guess how dilated you are?" 3-4 centimeters I thought (10 means you're read to go). "Nope, You're 8." Holy crap! This baby was coming tonight! It was only 9 pm so I hoped that she'd stay in there for 3 more hours so she could make it to the New Year and have a 1/1/11 birthday.

The pain was starting to get unbearable and I asked for the epidural right away. It took a little while for the anesthesiologist to come, but by 10:30 I was pain free. I was feeling fine and even let my visitors come in and say hello as I waited to dilate to 10. My parents, Anthony's Parents, his brother Paulo and his Girlfriend Cheryl, and my cousin Kristina all waited in the waiting room. One by one they said hello to me and were so surprised by my calm composure and the fact that I was still smiling, full makeup and all (still on from the photoshoot).

By 11:00, the midwife came in and checked me. I was 10 centimeters and just about ready to go! They were also hoping that I'd be their first baby of the New Year because they'd feature us in the paper and we'd get a ton of nice gifts from the hospital. Since I wasn't feeling the need to push yet, I was determined to make it to 12! They said that they would let her labor down for a little bit anyway (let her head slide down on it's own so I don't have to push so much) so we'd check again at 11:45 how she was doing.

At 11:45, midwife checked again. "Hello there! Her head is coming out! Get ready to push!" Well, that was fast. At 11:50, I gave it maybe 3-4 sets of strong pushing and by 12:14, my little Rosalie Mae was born into the world. I requested a mirror so I could watch her birth, and it was truly amazing! I must say, it really helped with my pushing cause I could see how much progress I was making. When I saw her little head and body slip out, it was so surreal. They put her on my chest and I was so overwhelmed with love and awe. "She's perfect! Oh my gosh she's perfect" is all I remember saying. As she laid there crying, I was still pain free and couldn't believe how fast it all happened. Just 4 hours ago, I was laying in bed watching TV! It was truly a blessing that I had a safe, fast, and pain free delivery. I couldn't have asked for anything better. I'm so happy that she's here, and that she's healthy. At 5 Pounds 13.2 ounces, 18 1/2 inches long, she is my tiny bundle of joy and Anthony and I are still in amazement that we made such a beautiful little girl.

The past few nights have taken quite a bit of adjusting. The healing process has probably been harder than the labor itself. I can't wait to start feeling and looking like myself again and I'm very excited for everyone to meet her! We are still a little exhausted and adjusting to our new schedule, so we'll give it a little time before we going out and saying hello to everyone. I am truly grateful for all the love we have gotten. It has been an incredible experience and I STILL can't believe that she's here. I am looking forward to spending the rest of our lives watching her grow.

Thank heaven for my little girl.