Finding Joy

This is real. It's honest and scary to put it out there. But I am going to make a confession that I've never really said out loud or openly talked about with anyone, but I'm going to say it here: I struggle with depression.

I know what you're thinking. "What? How can this mother of 2 beautiful children that is married and is so blessed with all these things suffer from depression?" I wish I knew the answer to that question. Believe me, most times, I am just as confused as you...but I can honestly say that I have struggled with depression since adolescence. You may not understand the term. You may see it as something that can be controlled. Something that is a choice. Something I can turn on and off..but it's not.

During my teenage years, I noticed that it was hard to stay happy. I always found myself stuck in my own thoughts..thinking about morbidly sad things and all the worst case scenarios of every possible situation. I would often shake myself out of it but the thoughts never seemed to completely go away. I would sometimes get so lost in this negativity that I'd find myself crying so hard that it was difficult to get a grip back on reality. I was always anxious and worried and was never satisfied by my own appearance. At such a young age, it was so hard to overcome this unexplained sadness.

Everyone knows that puberty is no easy task, especially for young girls. I was definitely not equipped to deal with these feelings and it got really bad at one point. Needless to say, it's not something that I talk about often or share with complete strangers but it has made me who I am today and without this story, I would not be complete.

As the years have gone by, I've gained the resources that I've needed to subdue the feelings for the most part - counseling and medication didn't work. What did work for me was submersing myself in books and movies - in alternate realities that helped me to crowd out those overbearing thoughts. I surrounded myself with people and did what I could to hide my insecurities and sadness. I avoided having idle hands by participating in whatever extracurricular activities that I could. I have gained a support system of close loved ones that has helped me through the toughest of times.

But there's another thing I've learned about myself through all this - I am a fighter. 80% of me is a happy, normal, grateful person. But there is still that 20% that exists...that ugly, sad, anxious person that loves to feed off of my insecurities and worries. But it's that bigger part of me that has allowed me to move on in life. It has allowed me to make an amazing life for myself. It has allowed me to make great relationships with people that truly love me. It is the stronger part of me that refused to let that 20% ever win.

It makes life a harder for me, but no, I am not sad about it. I am thankful that God gave me this battle. It has made me...me. I would have never developed the skills to write my stories if I didn't love to read so much. I would've never appreciated life as much as I do if I almost didn't lose it. It has driven me to look for answers - which has led me right to into the arms of a loving and forgiving God. Sometimes, even today, there are moments when it takes everything in me to fight off that mini, evil, Ria and it's scary as hell.

Even though having it is not a choice,  I am choosing to fight it - with all that I have and all that I am. I choose to fight it for the sake of my children and everyone who loves me. I will fight it because every battle that I win makes me a stronger person. I choose to fight it because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

If you understand what I'm talking about, if you know how it feels to have a battle within your mind all the time- then you would know how truly difficult it is sometimes to  just get through the day. I know that the first step to finally beating it is to learn how to look at the glass half full and admitting that I need help sometimes. I know I have a lot of people who love and support me..I just need to let myself receive that love with open arms. I have to find the joy in the little things - every breath that my kids take, every day that I get to feel the sun on my face, every day that that I am sheltered, clothed, and fed, every happy moment with my husband. I have to remember to reach for the joy that is all around me and not focus on the dissappointments and worries of life.

This post has been sitting in my "drafts" section for the longest time. I didn't know if I would have the courage to post it, if I could handle being judged. But someting inside of me told me to. No, it's not a cry for help or a ruse for attention. Mostly, it's just me admitting that I'm scared sometimes..and to remind myself that I'm not alone. I'm sure there are many other people out there who find themselves desperately searching for joy and I just wanted to put it out there that even the "luckiest" of us struggle sometimes.

We can choose to look as life as a task, or we can choose to look as it as a blessing. Yes, we face disappointments and struggle - but are you going to let the disappointments define you? Or are you going to push through and come out stronger on the other end? Although we may not always have the will to fight, maybe sometimes all we need is that helping hand to pull us through the darkness. Maybe all we need is that one person to relate to us or to remind us of our joy. So just remember - no matter what you're going through - just smile and be kind. Offer your support and prayers to those who show sadness or dissapointment - whether you can see it on their face or even just through social media. We don't know each other's battles - but we can definitely still make a difference in the smallest of ways.

The Journey Home

After almost 5 years of marriage and 2 kids later, we have finally been blessed with a home. I know this may be a small thing for some people, but for some reason, it feels like an enormous milestone for us - maybe because it has taken so much to get here and it has been a dream of ours that has always felt so far away. The journey here wasn't easy, but we finally made it!

Since the day that we started planning our future together, a house was always in the cards, but things kept happening in our lives that would always discourage us making it seem like getting a home would be impossible. Instead of enjoying our first few years of marriage and saving a down payment for the home, we had kids right away and they definitely took up most of our time and monetary resources. Whenever we would try to pull ourselves out of debt and save money, the "unexpected" expenses would pile up and we had to put the goal of having a home on the backburner several times. It wasn't until we had Elijah that we realized we needed more than just a two bedroom apartment - we needed a home.

Throughout the years, we've made so many life changing decisions. In 5 years of marriage, we have moved 4 times, each time a more taxing experience. And even though we've never really settled in a place for more than 18 months at a time, it feels like each time we gained more and more stuff to move. When the rent at our apartment got raised so high, we started to put some serious thought into buying a home. That was a very tough decision to make this year - To move away from our comfort zone and put ourselves out there to look for a house with not a very big budget OR stay in an apartment and keep renting comfortably until we could afford a nicer house with a bigger budget (which could have taken another 2 to 4 years).

It's crossroads like these that really test the bounds of your partnership with your spouse, and you'd better believe we weren't always on the same page. But somehow, we got led onto the roller coaster ride that is the current housing market which is definitely much more seller friendly than we would have liked. We started off looking in areas that we didn't LOVE but could get more bang for our buck. With kids, there is so much more to consider - school district, safety, babysitter situation, space for toys, etc. Occasionally, we would casually venture into the more expensive parts of town for homes that were great deals, but would often get our hopes crushed when we were outbid by the much more qualified competition.

Needless to say, it was four months of very active looking and the drawing up of what seemed like endless amounts of papers to be signed until we finally came across the one. We wanted to take a break from looking for a while until this home came up on the listings and we just HAD to see this one last house. We loved it from the moment we saw it - it was in the better area of town, had the most square footage out of anything we saw and could afford, and although it needed some TLC, had so much potential. It was a foreclosed home and according to the seller, it had a not-so-hefty price tag because of the jungle of a backyard that it had, which wasn't really a big deal to us.

So we made an offer, and to our surprise, it was accepted a couple days later. It was a wave of shock that one of our offers was finally accepted, let alone for  a home that we really loved! Long story short, we  were scared, excited and nervous all at once. We fell out of escrow for a little bit because of some repairs that were not addressed - but after some negotiations and much thought on our part, the house officially was ours on August 6th.

With some extra cash, a good contractor, and a little bit of elbow grease, we have fixed up this home from being a neglected foreclosure, to the starter home of our dreams. I am so humbled and happy about this huge blessing that has been given to us, especially because we never thought it to be possible. If you would have told me back in March that I was going to own THIS home in a few short months, I probably would've laughed it off and yelled at you for being so cruel. But here we are. It may not be the biggest or newest home in a popular city, but to us, it is such a big achievement. It hasn't quite settled in yet because we haven't officially started living there, but after seeing my bank account, I am reminded that it is very real. Lol!

Lastly, I just want to say that none of this would've been possible without the help of my very loving and generous in-laws. They've invested so much in our family and I hope they know that the happiness they've given us is priceless! Thank you to my parents who have opened up their home for us to live in while we saved money and looked for a home. And of course, thank you also to our realtor, my Tita Winnie, who guided us through the whole process with patience (And our loan officer, Rufina, too!) So if you're looking for a good team to help you with your next home, hit me up for their information.

It's been quite the journey for Anthony and I. We have definitely never disagreed as much as we have until we started looking for a house - but through lots of prayer and somewhat rational discussion, we have always managed to navigate ourselves to some common ground. And NOW, we're both learning the ropes of homeownership. (Thank goodness for my dad and my grandpa who are always there to help teach Anthony the basics of keeping your house functioning). There's nothing more attractive than a guy who can assemble furniture, ignite a pilot light, and entertain a toddler at the same time!

Well, without further adieu, here are some before and after photos of our lovely new abode!

This is what it looked like when we first bought it...Everything was brown and gold! The kitchen had formica countertops, and the flooring was all carpet and vinyl. Also, all of the cabinets were flimsy and were lined with disgusting old wallpaper.

 

Here is our backyard before and after clean up. We had a huge pile of debris on the side of the house..literally like 3 feet high and weeds growing everywhere.

Here are some of the AFTER photos - new apron sink, quartz countertops downstairs and all granite upstairs. All the cabinets have been replaced, the fireplace painted, bathtubs reglazed, and all flooring replaced with laminate wood all around and tile in the bathrooms.

More after photos - Added shutters, changed all the lighting fixtures from gold to brushed nickel, changed the old fluorescent lighting in the kitchen to recessed bulbs, knocked down a cabinet and put pendant lighting in the kitchen, and changed all the baseboards.
 

 

Who is this man that I married?

Our 4 year wedding anniversary is in a few days. And you know what I've realized in this past year? I married a complete stranger.

As naïve, young adults, we like to think that we are marrying a person that we know inside and out; that we know everything there is to know about each other - and that makes us a perfect fit. But over the past years I've come to learn that this notion is completely false. Although we take the time to date, to get to know each other's personalities, to remember every blemish and beauty mark on each other's faces, you still end up marrying a complete stranger.

Marriage isn't easy. Over the past year, we've had our ups and downs and have been challenged from all different directions. Having a second baby, we struggled to find a routine and adjust our lives accordingly. We find it difficult sometimes to have some quiet moments together, because plopping down on the couch to finally get a chance to go through our social media newsfeeds at the end of the day really isn't considered "quality time". But some days - that's really all the energy we have left to do.

We've also had to make a lot of really tough decisions lately and find ourselves arguing our points to each other so intensely that it turns into a giant meltdown. Some days, we rely on each other too little or too much and it makes it difficult to keep ourselves sane. We've been through so much and there is so much still ahead of us that it's gonna take a lot of faith and compromise to get through it.

.....Like I said. Marriage isn't easy.

So what did I mean when I said I married a complete stranger? Well. I've learned that yes, I married a man that I was completely in love with when I was 23 years old. But marriage changes you. Kids change you. Jobs change you. Trials and tribulations change you. Aging changes you. You come to discover that getting to know the depths of someone's heart takes years. But that's the nature of marriage - it's a relationship so intimate and challenging that it really takes true, unconditional love to make that journey together.

There's a quote by a man named Stanley Hauerwas defining a successful marriage as "learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married." What does he mean? Simply put, I think it's important to understand that  marriage is not the finish line to where we instantly know and fully understand our spouse. It's a commitment to a lifetime of growing and changing across the years together. Everything that Anthony and I have been going through is shaping and defining our relationship - every good moment, every bad moment, and every decision that we've made. But through it all, our love for each other remains unscathed.

Not every year will I say that the year was perfect and I love him more than ever. But like I've always said - I'm all about being real when it comes to my posts. But one thing is for sure - I wouldn't have made it in this journey with anyone else. Through it all, I've come to realize that Anthony is my soul mate. He balances me out when I'm feeling a little crazy, and he reels me back in when I feel like pulling away. He always recognizes his faults and his commitment to me and his children is unwavering. And because of that, I know that he is forever mine and I am forever his.

Marriage is not a finished statue. It is merely a block of marble from which your perfect spouse will emerge. So if you commit to loving one another and helping each other grow while keeping God in the center of your relationship, in the end, you'll find a masterpiece.

So to my darling husband -

Happy 4 year Anniversary, my love. There's nobody in the world that I'd rather quarrel with, make up with, and grow old with than you. xoxo

One Week Postpartum

Ever wonder what happens after people go home with their baby? The trend that I usually see with my friends who find out they're expecting is that they post a plethora of "preggo" pics all the way up to the adorable hospital photo where all the newborns get the same ol' hat and blankie to announce that the little one has finally come. For a few months the pictures slow down except for an occasional close up of a sleepy newborn - then BAM! A couple months later they're back at it posting pictures of themselves looking great and happier than ever with a super cute and magically chubby baby by their side (3 months of religiously nursing will do that). Sound familiar?

The first few months of having a newborn are grueling and at the same time very rewarding. This first week for us has had its ups and downs - there are moments when I am so filled with joy and just love soaking in every minute of our family of four. But there are also moments when I'm teetering on the edge of sanity wishing that I could be four places at once. This time around, the balancing act for me has been between Rosalie and Recovery.

Even when we started TRYING for this baby I was scared of how Rosalie would react. The main reason why I wanted another child is because I wanted Rosalie to have a sibling. A playmate for life. Don't get me wrong - she LOVES this baby. She has been so anxious to hold him, kiss him, and hug him. She thinks he's a little doll and wants to take him EVERYWHERE. Even with the littlest noises he makes, she can't help but swoon over his cuteness. At the same time, I can also tell she's dealing with emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. She seems resentful now that our attention is split between the two of them. Sometimes I can't tell if it's all a part of her "terrible twos" or if her temper tantrums have doubled. The other day, she was so upset with me because I wouldn't get up from nursing Elijah to follow her into her bedroom. She didn't want to speak to me and she quietly cried in her bed. I felt SO bad. That topped with an overdose of estrogen and I was sent into a crying fit of my own. "My poor baby", I thought to myself. We've had a few moments like this but I just have to keep telling myself that it takes some serious adjusting from every member of the family when a new baby comes home. And just knowing that Rosalie is going to love life a little more because she has a baby brother to share it with in the future makes me feel just a tad bit better.

Recovery time? Hardly existent. It's definitely been a struggle now that there are two kids in the picture. This time around, I definitely expected the sleepless nights and the half sane days, so that's not what is so bad. What has been difficult for me is dealing with my self image and learning to take it easy. Elijah has been an amazing baby thus far. He eats, sleeps, and poops. Probably all in a 3 hour cycle that just repeats itself so its just a matter of me getting used to his schedule and learning to sleep when he sleeps. I've been so busy trying to accommodate for Rosalie and keeping the house clean for visitors that I haven't really had time to rest. I even tried to fit a little walk in the other day because I am SO anxious to exercise again but I failed miserably and ended up back at home with a sore bottom and a lot of regret. My body has definitely taken it harder this time around - I gained about 32 lbs with this pregnancy and came home from the hospital a mere 11 lbs lighter. I feel and look so different that it's hard not to be a little bummed about it. All I know is that once I hit my 6 week postpartum check up and the doc says its ok, I am definitely going to find time to go to the gym and at least TRY to start feeling like myself again. Trying not to beat myself up about how I look has been a big part of recovery for me...It HAS only been one week so I'm hoping that breastfeeding combined with giving my body the time it needs to heal will help me start feeling better.

Sleepy Newborn Photo #1

Having a baby is euphoric. You leave the hospital feeling like a champ for popping out another human being, but once the fog has lifted, you see that the road to a full recovery (mentally and physically) is full of twists and turns. If you're anything like me, you find yourself up and breastfeeding a fussy baby at 3 o'clock in the morning with sore nipples and a pounding headache trolling online feeds  for other new moms who are just as crazy as you are. But, speaking from experience, it took me about 3 months the first time to feel in tune with my motherhood and finally shake off the baby blues so I expect about the same, if not more, for this one.

Having survived this first week with two kids was quite the experience in many good ways. There are moments when I ask myself why I do the things I do, but I look over and see my loving and supportive husband -  half as exhausted as I am with Rosalie climbing on his back asking him to "crawl faster daddy!" - and then I look down in my arms and see my perfect little Elijah who  is healthy and peacefully sleeping - and then I remember: I truly love this life of mine and it can only get better from here.

The Hardest Part....

This morning, the sound of Rosalie's voice penetrated through my ear plugs and I awoke to see her smiling face next to me on my bed.  (Ear plugs? Yes. With a husband and a 60 lb. bulldog that snore simultaneously, I would never be able to sleep without them!) Her daddy must've put her there before he hopped in the shower. Although it was 6:45 in the morning and I had trouble sleeping the night before, I already knew it was going to be a good day.

These last few months are so bittersweet for me. I feel like I'm tightly embracing these remaining days with Rosalie as my only child with all of my might, not for the sake of sadness, but because I know that pretty soon, I will not fill that role as being her favorite play mate anymore.

Last night I had a dream that she was getting married. I couldn't see the lucky guy's face and she just sat there, this beautiful stranger that I faintly recognized. I was still young and looking like my present self and I was giving the welcoming toast for the reception. I only said a few sentences and I wanted to write them in here before I forgot. It went something like this: "Rosalie, when you were growing up, there were times that I'd just stare at you with so much love and awe and think "I can't believe that she is mine." I knew that (insert mystery name here) was the one for you when I caught him one day giving you the same exact look. I'm so happy that you've found each other. Take care of my baby or else her dad will kill you. Cheers!" As you can imagine I woke up with cold sweats and tears in my eyes because the thought of giving my baby away is in no way pleasant! (Although, I think I WILL save that speech for her actual wedding day).

You see, this pregnancy has been hard...REAL hard. It seems like I sailed through my first one with ease and had a delivery that was written only in fairy tales - but not with this baby. The first thing I always get asked is "How's the pregnancy going?" Although I always want to make a sour face and tell them that I'm miserable and in pain, I smile and say, "It's going good!" Occassionally I'll throw in a quip about me being tired as heck, but that's as far as I'll go. But from backaches, to vivid dreams, to strange complications that have had me on pelvic rest, I must agree with those who say that "every pregnancy is different." If this is any implication of days to come, I know that I'm going to have my hands full with this little boy!

Am I scared of giving birth again? Not at all. Am I nervous about juggling 2 children, a career, and staying afloat with finances? A little. But God always provides. But you know what terrifies me to death? The fact that 2 halves of my heart are going to be walking around this Earth and I can't be there to protect them from every little thing that life is going to throw their way.

In reality, the hardest part about being a parent is not spending money or finding time to to still have a social life. The hardest thing about being a parent is dealing with the anxiety and worry that you feel on a daily basis knowing that your most valuable possesssions are not locked safely away in a vault that protects them from hurt, pain, and life in general. Each time you have a child, you send another valuable possession out there into the world and that is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in life.

Every mother goes through the sleepless nights and the tiring days where it feels like every single part of them  is spent and the best you can do is cry a little to relieve some pressure. But every night, that same mother probably goes to bed praying and hoping that they get to wake up again and see their children enjoy another day. I may not love being pregnant at the moment but I know that this is who I was meant to be. I sometimes wish I went to school a little longer or travelled the world a bit, but knowing that I'd have to give up everything I have today to do so..Not a chance. This is the path that God has put me on and as hard as it is sometimes, I would give my life just to know that my kids will always be safe. I found this picture online and I feel like this pretty much sums it up:

(Or daddy)

 

So to all the parents, soon-to-be parents, or anyone who aspires to be a parent one day - I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you are, or are destined to be, somebody's angel.

Preparing to be mom..again.

It's been quite a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then. When I first started this blog, I was newly married and anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child. Now here I am, pregnant with the second, and things this time around couldn't be more different.

2012 was a great year. It was a year where I did some "growing up" and found myself exhausting my social life to the point where I was finally ready to settle down and say "Ok, I'm ready for another baby". I was enjoying having my body back and Rosalie was growing so beautifully that everyone wanted to babysit her for a day or two, which left me with some "me" time. I think I'm at that point now where I've exhausted all of that "me" time and all I ever want these days is "us" time.

It takes a lot of financial and emotional preparation to plan for another baby, but luckily, we were blessed with so much this past year that we were finally able to reach that point. And plus, Rosalie is getting to a point now where all she loves to do is play, play play, so we figured that it was time to give her a more capable playmate.

It didn't happen right away like we had expected it to. It actually took 4 good months to finally get a positive pregnancy test - and although that doesn't sound long to some - it felt like an eternity to me. You really don't realize how scary it is to try to have a baby until you actually TRY to have a baby. Although all the formulas were right, the results were just not there and it got a little discouraging.

Needless to say, when I finally got that positive pregnancy test 2 days after Christmas, it was the best Christmas present EVER. And although we were expecting it in a way, it was still a big surprise when it actually happened. Even now, in my 15th week of pregnancy, I still don't think it has sunk in. I still can't believe that God has chosen us to bring TWO tiny humans into this world. It's such a huge responsibility, but nothing short of an amazing blessing for us.

Unlike my first pregnancy,  I definitely feel the effects of this one. I was so sick up until a couple weeks ago that I could hardly hold anything down. My food aversions were stronger than ever and I was so fatigued that I was in bed everyday by 9pm. It is also different this time around because instead of going home and lounging around, I have to be up and about playing with Rosalie and preparing dinner, her bath, etc. It was really exhausting for the first couple months that I hardly got to enjoy the "glow" that comes with being pregnant.

Emotionally, I'm a lot better this time around. I'm not giving myself anxiety everyday by worrying about this baby's health - partly because I know what to expect for the next 9 months and also because I trust in God's will for us. Although, I do have a lot of other emotions that I didn't feel the first time around. I feel like time is going by much faster with this pregnancy because I'm trying to savor all the moments that I have left with Rosalie.  In a way, I fear that there is not enough room in my heart because I am SO in love with her. It feels a little selfish, but I am sad that I won't be able to  dedicate 100% of my time and attention to her anymore - even though I know that having a sibling will benefit her so much as time goes on.

In the end of it all, I really am so excited for the next 5 months to fly by. I can't wait to hear the words "one last push" because I know that all that will follow is that euphoric feeling of falling in love all over again. I am highly anticipating the upcoming gender appointment next month, and the excitement of choosing a name that comes with it. It's the beginning of a beautiful new journey for us and at this very moment, I couldn't be happier.

On that note - I really am excited to be writing in this blog again and I can't wait to write about my new experiences with being a mom for the second time around. I've been feeling a little guilty lately because I haven't been documenting this pregnancy as much as I did the first one - but hopefully there will be a lot more posts to come.

Bye Bye, Year One!

As this year comes to a close, I can't help but look back and smile at how this year as unfolded. This time last year I was enjoying my first week on maternity leave, writing off my constant contractions as Braxton Hicks, and indulging in the last days of my sweet slumber!

One year ago..

The first few months of Rosalie's life were a blur. I was barely sleeping, I was still in pain from recovery, and breastfeeding for the first time was difficult. I never realized how tough having a baby was and it took a lot of strength and patience to accept the reality of caring for a newborn. It also took some adjusting for me to get used to being stuck in the house at least 22 hours a day and never having time for myself anymore.

As the months went by, she grew while I learned. I learned every aspect of her personality, breastfeeding became a breeze, and leaving the house was now more difficult than staying home. I feel like I've evolved more this year than I ever have in my entire life. The process wasn't easy, but I feel like the ugly little caterpillar that had to endure months in a cocoon to finally emerge as a beautiful butterly.

This has been one of the best and most fulfilling years of my life. I said goodbye to partying and late nights and welcomed the world of early mornings and busy days with baby in tow.There are some mothers who are ready for the challenge right off the bat, and there are some, like me, who need some time to soak it all in. It might've taken me a few months, but I am happier now than I have ever been. I look back on her days as a tiny little thing, not able to move or speak and realize how much she needed me then. Looking at her now, it makes me so happy and proud to see a bustling baby girl who is healthy and smart and becoming more and more independent. It's like..Wow. Not only did Anthony and I make her out of nothing, but she grew into something quite special because of us and I'm deeply in love.

From her birth to her baptism and now her first birthday, I'm so thankful for the people who have always supported and loved us. I couldn't have done any of it without all the encouragement and help that I received from everyone. From the largest gifts to the smallest gestures, you've helped more than you'll ever know. To our loving family and friends who have been there for us from day one, THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart, I send you my love and gratitude.

It's kind of cool that Rosalie's birthday marks the start of a brand new year...it's the perfect way to welcome another 365 days of surprises! So here's to the beginning of 2012 and whatever challenges may come...Cheers!

Dear 16 Year Old Me

I saw a video on YouTube that had this title, and I thought it would be interesting. It turned out to be a PSA about cancer...Basically saying "live your life to the fullest because one day a miserable disease will take it all away". Touching, but not exactly what I thought it was going to be. Anyways, I've been wanting to do a post about it ever since..but in a funner, light-hearted way. Here goes.

Dear Ria,

You are completely and utterly too obsessed with yourself and what other people think. Stop worrying about such petty things. If you spent a quarter of the time thinking about how you can help others instead of yourself, your level of contentment and self worth would expand exponentially. You'll see.

Follow your dreams. Things might not work out as you imagine them to, and it will surprise the heck out of you, but don't panic. Everything will be okay. Always remember that things work themselves out in the end. Don't ever give up. Throwing in the towel seems like a viable option at times, but believe me, keep on chugging and you'll see how fast the rain clears up. You'll find that your life has more meaning than you ever imagined it could.

As for your friends, value them. Hold on to the great times that you have. Don't be sad, but people will come and go. It's normal. You'll think that you have found gold at times because you have so much fun with them, but it's the people who know the very core of your soul, all the good and the bad, that will always love you. The value of these friends is priceless...You'll sort through many just to find that the ones who never leave you are the ones worth fighting for. Every personality you meet will represent a thread in the fabric of your life, but some spools will be shorter than others...and that's ok.

Don't stress about boys. (Spoiler alert) You will eventually meet the love of your life and marrying him will be the easiest decision you will ever make. Just listen to your gut. True love exists...and not in the way you think it does. Don't get too caught up in searching for this man cause he will, quite literally, pop out of nowhere!

You are so blessed and these blessings will keep coming. Don't ever forget where they're coming from. There's so much more that I could say that would help, but I wouldn't want to ruin all the surprises for you.

It's all quite simple. Enjoy being young. Be daring. Take risks. Tell your parents every day that you love them. Laugh. Smile. Take care of your body! It will definitely take care of you when you need it the most.
And most importantly, if you have any questions or doubts, pray about it. You'll almost always get an answer.

Love,
You. Me. Us.

Baby Talk

This is something that has been on my mind lately...an ever present situation...a question that I've been asked more often...When is it our turn to have baby #2?

I have a serious debate with myself about this topic every time the conversation comes up. A part of me wants to enjoy the time that I have with Rosalie before I have to start sharing my love and attention with another child, but the other part of me wants to give her a companion...a brother or sister that will be her playmate for life.

In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned how the thought of another baby terrified me. Admittedly, it still does. I caused myself a great deal of anxiety when I was pregnant. I constantly worried about the condition of the baby and my own health. It was really tough on my nerves. It may be selfish thinking, but how will I prepare myself for that again? I remember my palms sweating at every doctor's appointment, praying that her heartbeat was still there. I remember my sleepless nights knowing that I had an ultrasound appointment the next day and I begged the Lord that they would find nothing wrong. There are times when I think I can never put myself through that again, but then I remember how miraculous the process really was and how amazing I felt when finally saw my beautiful, healthy baby girl for the first time. Seeing her face everyday reminds me how truly lucky I am that all of my prayers were answered.

I wasn't too fond of my big belly when I
had it, but it looks great in pictures! Lol

I can make a list of things that I still worry about on a daily basis. But the list of joyful things that my family brings into my life is much longer. Having a child has been an emotional roller coaster for me. One minute I can be laughing hysterically as she dances to the Mickey's Clubhouse theme song in her playpen and the next minute I can be screaming in panic as she topples over and bumps her head. Can I go through double the worry with two children? It'll probably be a struggle. But I am sure that the joy of having another child is twice as rewarding.

When is it ever a good time to get pregnant? When Anthony graduates from grad school? When I am finally promoted to the position that I'd like to be at in my career? When we finally have our house? Our aspirations are never ending. I can't imagine there would ever be a time when we'd say "THIS is the perfect time to have a baby!" Although having a baby does cost some money, we can't just base the decision on our careers or financial situation, but rather our readiness to go through the emotionally and physically demanding task of having another child.


It's obvious that I get mixed emotions when it comes to expanding our family, but the most prominent emotion I feel is excitement for the possibilities to come. My mom always says to me: "Your clock is ticking. Buildling your family comes first. All of the other stuff can come later." It always gets me thinking. So, when WILL we start trying for baby #2? I guess the best time frame I can give right now is sometime before Rosalie's 2nd birthday. Although it is exciting to imagine another precious baby girl or baby boy in our lives, I know that we have to be smart about our timing and at least get through this next year without any big surprises if we want to reach our financial goals.I'm sure that the time will come eventually, but as of today, I think we will just continue to enjoy our sweet baby Rosalie... and the longer hours of sleep we're getting.

Stop. Breathe. And Smile.

Life is too short.

We sort through a a million thoughts a day. We hear and see a million different moments. Which will be the moments we hold onto? What words will we remember hearing? And what thoughts will we deem as significant?

My mind has been going 100 mph lately...I'm constantly thinking about the future and about my next move in life. Sometimes our path splits into two directions and we are left standing at a crossroad that can alter our lives forever. It is too often that we stand there and scratch our heads that we forget that the world and everything else around us is still moving, regardless if our momentum has slowed down.

I've been so preoccupied with the future of my family that sometimes I forget to live for today. I've seen young people...friends...pass away much too soon. I've seen healthy adults receive the news that they're not as invincible as they thought. Reality happens too fast to the precious time that we are given today. When I die, I want to be able to smile at the things I did do, and not the things I planned on doing.

This doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to spend every penny that I get as I get it or that I am going to party like it's 1995 (Or in my case 2005). But sometimes I need a good jolt back to reality. Someone to say "Hey! You're getting older but you're too busy worrying about tomorrow to notice!"

So here I am..telling myself that today is more important than tomorrow. And to remind myself of that on a more consistent basis, I'm going to make a bucket list. Not my wishes for the future or things I hope to see before I die (i.e. See Rosalie get married or celebrate my 50th anniversary with Anthony) but a realistic list of 10 personal endeavors that I'd like to accomplish sometime before I kick the bucket. These things don't require age, assistance, or experience (maybe money) but rather, my full attention to living for today.

Ria's Bucket List
1) Write a book. (I already have ideas I just need to get them on paper)
2) Host a formal dinner party in which all the food is prepared from scratch...by me.
3) Go Island hopping in Greece.
4) Read the bible from cover to cover.
5) Go to Comic-Con to see all my favorite celebs in person
6) Take a road trip all the way up California's Coastline using only Pacific Coast Highway.
7) Take a pottery class. (I'd love to be able to make my own home decor)
8) Brew my own beer
9) See the Northern Lights
10) Create/research my family tree

There it is. Little things I've always wanted to experience for myself that I've never taken the time to do. If you can offer any help/advice on something on my list, please share! This isn't wishful thinking people, this is the real deal!

So, what's on your bucket list?

So glad we made it...Look how far we've come, my baby

Together, we made it. The 3 of us have made it to month 4 of Rosalie's life, and like her, I am reaching my own  developmental milestones.

I've been singing a whole new tune these past few days, and believe me, it's a happier one. Every time I've read over that last post about being "real", I've realized how solemn I've been and how my emotional struggle of being a new mom has managed to ease itself comfortably between the lines of my entries. While I've had my fair share of baby blues, it feels so good to finally get something right and to start feel a little normal again.

The little lady

I was feeling emotionally conflicted because I wanted to be honest with myself and admit that being a parent was downright hard, but at the same time, I felt like the luckiest person in the world for being blessed with a healthy and beautiful baby girl. I struggled to accept all the changes that were happening in my life, along with all the new responsibilities of being a parent. My constant worrying and fear of change was causing me anxiety, and it showed.

But something happened. Like a slap in the face, we had a scare of an accident the day before we left for Miami. Rosalie was in the car with us, and when our car collided with the other one, every hair on my body stood up and my only thought was to throw myself onto her carseat to make sure that she was safe. No need to worry, the accident wasn't a bad one..but just enough to scare the begeezus out of me.

As we waited on the side of the road for help to come, I held Rosalie on my lap as she happily outlined the Mickey Mouse on my shirt with her little finger. I remember looking at her and being so relieved that she was safe, and even though she wasn't hurt and will probably never remember it, I wish she hadn't been in the car with us that day to experience that. Had something happened to her, I would've traded every sleepless night and sore muscle I've ever had just to rewind time. The thought of it alone makes me sick to my stomach.

This past month, I've come to realize that the problem wasn't that I was losing my sleep and sanity, the problem was that I struggled with being a perfect mom...and condering the fact that this is my first baby, I had no clue what I was doing. I resorted to books and websites...anything I could find that would tell me what was supposed to be happening and how my baby should be acting at this age and that. I had expectations...and when those expectations weren't fulfilled, I'd think to myself "What am I doing wrong" "Why isn't she sleeping through the night yet?" "Why is she so small?" I was trying to raise her "by the book" and obviously, that wasn't working. I was my biggest critic, and the pressure that I was putting on myself to be a good mom, to lose weight, be a good wife, and to never ask for help was really weighing down on me and affecting how I viewed myself as a mother...as a person.

Me and my chubby little princess

Since then, I've learned to just relax and follow my own cues and not some expert who is a complete stranger to me and family. I've been so much happier with myself as a parent because I've learned to let go of my expectations and just enjoy her and all the little things that make our time together so special. She's developing so quickly and learning new things everyday at such a fast rate that I want to slap myself for ever wanting to fast forward time. She laughs and coos, smiles and screams, and even reaches for things and plays with her own reflection. Before I know it, she'll be going to school and facing the world on her own, and as much as I want to keep her safe from pain and danger, I know I can't bubble wrap her and keep her at home forever.

Right now, I couldn't be any happier with where I'm at. I feel much more comfortable and confident as a mom...I'm learning to trust myself and my instincts. Her personality is really starting to shine and being with her is such a joy. Anthony and I are enjoying taking her out and letting her explore all her new surroundings, and so is she! Now that I'm back to work, every minute with her counts...So when she wakes up hungry at 3 a.m., or simply just wanting to be held, that's more than okay...because most of the time, I want to hold her too.

A "Real" Post

I came across this post and it has truly inspired me. It's titled The Disease called Perfection. It's a long entry so in case you don't feel like reading it, the writer basically discusses real life situations where people put up a front to seem "perfect", regardless of the fact that they have troubling secrets. If you do have time though, I suggest you go through and read it. I think some of you will find it very easy to relate.


Here is an excerpt from the closing statement of his entry:
Be bold about your weaknesses and you will change people's lives. Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you. Once you cure yourself of the disease, others will come to you, asking if they can just "talk". People are desperate to talk. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will tell you of some of the greatest struggles going on. Some of the most "perfect" people around you will break down in tears as they tell you how difficult life is for them. Turns out some of the most "perfect" people around us are human beings after all, and are dying to talk to another human being about it.
 
Will you help me spread "Real"? Tell us below just how perfect you aren't. You never know who might be alive tomorrow because you were real today. You never know who needs to feel like they aren't alone in their inability to be perfect. Tell us what you struggle with. Tell a sad or dark secret. Get vulnerable. Get real. Let's see if we can get 1,000 people showing the world that we're not defined by perfection. - Dan Pearce

I've had writer's block for a while and reading this has encouraged me to "get real". I wouldn't go as far as saying that people walk around being "fake" but nobody ever openly embraces their weaknesses, do they? And the most compelling stories are ones where people do. I stayed up last night reading the responses and felt that I just had to share my own experiences in hopes that at least one person feels touched and can relate to what I am going through. I am not perfect. Here is my dose of reality:

For the past 2 months I haven't gotten more than 4 hour blocks of sleep and it's driving me crazy. Sometimes I am so tired and my muscles feel so weak that I just sit on my recliner with Rosalie and cry.

I regret the academic decisions I made in college. I really wish that I made more sound choices about my school work and took college more seriously. I feel like I chose the wrong path and am paying for it now by not having a major that pays the big bucks.

I HATE my body. Nothing in my closet fits anymore. Everything I've bought since I gave birth is 2 sizes up from what I used to be but I don't want to exercise or diet. I am too sleep deprived and unmotivated to lose weight right now. I can't look in the mirror and be happy.

I'm afraid of living a financially mediocre life forever. Will we ever be "well off"? I don't know. I really don't know how people have thousands of dollars in surplus to buy nice things for themselves ON TOP of having a house, children, and a savings account for all their colleges. How do they not live paycheck to paycheck? I constantly worry about our financial future.

I sometimes look at the pictures of my beautiful and fashionable friends on Facebook and get super jealous. Like, "It's not fair how good you look" jealous. It makes me not want to leave the house.

I am not a cook. Really, I suck. I can make things that are easy and things that are fast but otherwise, I'm clueless. We eat out 75% of the time and I feel like a bad wife because of it.

I make dates with my friends because sometimes, I feel like they'll forget about me. I am so much more "grown up" then a lot of my friends now that I'm married and I have a kid and I feel like nobody wants to hang out with me as much.

I'm afraid that Anthony will leave me one day because he'll wake up and not like what he sees.

Being a mom is so hard that sometimes I wonder if it ever gets easier, and if so, can I fast forward to that time? I am terrified of getting pregnant again but I don't want Rosalie to be alone.

The list goes on. Sometimes I am angry. Sometimes I am sad. I cry just because and sometimes I just want to get away. My life isn't perfect, but it is what it is. Would there be happiness in the world if no one experienced sadness? Would winning mean so much if nobody knew what it felt like to lose? Would we hold our loved ones so tight if we knew they were always going to be there? Would anyone be unique if we all looked the same?
With good comes evil. Your trash might be somebody's treasure. So spread the "real" and get in touch with the parts of yourself that you're afraid to face. I hope that after reading this you don't judge me too harshly, but find yourselves loving who you are...who WE are because of it.

What's love got to do with it?

Having a baby can really test your commitment to your significant other. Believe me when I say that it's not always easy keeping the romance alive when a crying baby is causing tension. In the spirit of February and the holiday all about love, I'd like to post about marriage.


Yes, I am young and I am married and I am a mother. This path that I have chosen in life has forced me to make several sacrifices. No more partying or late nights, no spontaneous travels around the world, and no more first dates. But through the years of knowing my husband, I've come to learn that the things I have gained in my experiences and choices have far outweighed what I had to sacrifice.

College life proved to be quite a challenge for our relationship, but through the hardships and the tears, our love endured. Who I am, my outlook on life, and my choices have evolved many times through the years and so has his. I can look back to who he was 6 years ago and tell you how different of a person he has become. I could go on and on about how hard it is to be a mother and wife in this blog, but sometimes to make my relationship work and keep my love for him strong, I have to sit and think about how hard it is to be a father and a husband for someone as young and as wishful as me.

2005 - When we were still kids

He works to pay the bills. He sacrifices time with his family so that we have a place to live and food to eat. He has given up partying with the boys so that he can stay home and console our crying daughter on nights that she doesn't want to sleep. He can't make extravagant purchases or spoil himself with goodies because his hard earned money goes to diapers and toys. For all of this, I see him. I see him for who he really is and I am grateful. My heart is filled with a love and gratitude so deep that no words can explain it. 

A lot of people our age now are contemplating marriage and a family and whether or not they are ready for such a big step. From my point of view, making a decision this early in life is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Was I ready to give up my single life? Was I ready to make such a serious commitment? Could I do forever?
Honestly, I wasn't 100% positive of how I felt, and I'm sure he wasn't either. But something inside told me that the only thing I had left to lose was him and I wasn't ready to do that. In fact, I knew I'd never be. Sure there are financial obstacles in front of every path down to the road to marriage, but the question was, would we be willing to trek down that road together? Could we change our ways of life to be together? If that meant that he and I would never have to part ways, then yes. I feel like God has chosen us to be parents at this exact moment in time for a reason and for that, all of the sacrifices we are making are nothing short of a blessing.

Don't get me wrong, marriage is no walk in the park. We fight like any other couple and we need our breaks from home here and there, but I've never ever regretted taking that walk down the aisle. This isn't my sermon on why I think marriage is great, nor is it a way to brag about how wonderful my life is, but it is my way of reminding myself and others how powerful love is because I admit, sometimes I REALLY  need reminding. 50% of marriages end in divorce these days, and in some cases, I wouldn't blame them. But we have to remember how far a little bit of unselfish thinking and praise towards your significant other can really go.

So if you're ever at a crossroads in life, whether it be the question of to marry or not to marry, to go on that second date or not, or to say sorry or not say sorry..swallow your fears and take a chance. You never know where a little love can take you.