Finding Joy

This is real. It's honest and scary to put it out there. But I am going to make a confession that I've never really said out loud or openly talked about with anyone, but I'm going to say it here: I struggle with depression.

I know what you're thinking. "What? How can this mother of 2 beautiful children that is married and is so blessed with all these things suffer from depression?" I wish I knew the answer to that question. Believe me, most times, I am just as confused as you...but I can honestly say that I have struggled with depression since adolescence. You may not understand the term. You may see it as something that can be controlled. Something that is a choice. Something I can turn on and off..but it's not.

During my teenage years, I noticed that it was hard to stay happy. I always found myself stuck in my own thoughts..thinking about morbidly sad things and all the worst case scenarios of every possible situation. I would often shake myself out of it but the thoughts never seemed to completely go away. I would sometimes get so lost in this negativity that I'd find myself crying so hard that it was difficult to get a grip back on reality. I was always anxious and worried and was never satisfied by my own appearance. At such a young age, it was so hard to overcome this unexplained sadness.

Everyone knows that puberty is no easy task, especially for young girls. I was definitely not equipped to deal with these feelings and it got really bad at one point. Needless to say, it's not something that I talk about often or share with complete strangers but it has made me who I am today and without this story, I would not be complete.

As the years have gone by, I've gained the resources that I've needed to subdue the feelings for the most part - counseling and medication didn't work. What did work for me was submersing myself in books and movies - in alternate realities that helped me to crowd out those overbearing thoughts. I surrounded myself with people and did what I could to hide my insecurities and sadness. I avoided having idle hands by participating in whatever extracurricular activities that I could. I have gained a support system of close loved ones that has helped me through the toughest of times.

But there's another thing I've learned about myself through all this - I am a fighter. 80% of me is a happy, normal, grateful person. But there is still that 20% that exists...that ugly, sad, anxious person that loves to feed off of my insecurities and worries. But it's that bigger part of me that has allowed me to move on in life. It has allowed me to make an amazing life for myself. It has allowed me to make great relationships with people that truly love me. It is the stronger part of me that refused to let that 20% ever win.

It makes life a harder for me, but no, I am not sad about it. I am thankful that God gave me this battle. It has made me...me. I would have never developed the skills to write my stories if I didn't love to read so much. I would've never appreciated life as much as I do if I almost didn't lose it. It has driven me to look for answers - which has led me right to into the arms of a loving and forgiving God. Sometimes, even today, there are moments when it takes everything in me to fight off that mini, evil, Ria and it's scary as hell.

Even though having it is not a choice,  I am choosing to fight it - with all that I have and all that I am. I choose to fight it for the sake of my children and everyone who loves me. I will fight it because every battle that I win makes me a stronger person. I choose to fight it because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

If you understand what I'm talking about, if you know how it feels to have a battle within your mind all the time- then you would know how truly difficult it is sometimes to  just get through the day. I know that the first step to finally beating it is to learn how to look at the glass half full and admitting that I need help sometimes. I know I have a lot of people who love and support me..I just need to let myself receive that love with open arms. I have to find the joy in the little things - every breath that my kids take, every day that I get to feel the sun on my face, every day that that I am sheltered, clothed, and fed, every happy moment with my husband. I have to remember to reach for the joy that is all around me and not focus on the dissappointments and worries of life.

This post has been sitting in my "drafts" section for the longest time. I didn't know if I would have the courage to post it, if I could handle being judged. But someting inside of me told me to. No, it's not a cry for help or a ruse for attention. Mostly, it's just me admitting that I'm scared sometimes..and to remind myself that I'm not alone. I'm sure there are many other people out there who find themselves desperately searching for joy and I just wanted to put it out there that even the "luckiest" of us struggle sometimes.

We can choose to look as life as a task, or we can choose to look as it as a blessing. Yes, we face disappointments and struggle - but are you going to let the disappointments define you? Or are you going to push through and come out stronger on the other end? Although we may not always have the will to fight, maybe sometimes all we need is that helping hand to pull us through the darkness. Maybe all we need is that one person to relate to us or to remind us of our joy. So just remember - no matter what you're going through - just smile and be kind. Offer your support and prayers to those who show sadness or dissapointment - whether you can see it on their face or even just through social media. We don't know each other's battles - but we can definitely still make a difference in the smallest of ways.

2013: That's a Wrap!

As my maternity leave and this year comes to a close, I have so much to be thankful for and so much to be emotional about at the same time.

Although this year has blessed us with 12 full months, it is these last 4 that have really meant a lot to me. You know how they say you never stop learning to be a parent? Well, that saying is so true. 

When Elijah was born, I was terrified of being alone with these 2 kids. I had no idea how I would be able to handle a sleepy newborn and a super hyper toddler at the same time. For a while, Anthony and I took one kid at a time - one parent devoting their time and attention to one kid. It seemed to work that way but we couldn't keep it up forever.

Rosalie continued to go to daycare full time while I stayed home and bonded with Elijah. Our time together was great. We got into a good rhythm and he was spoiled rotten by me, sleeping in my arms all day while I Netflixed every show I possibly could. My leave started off great, but I started to feel so guilty - Guilty about sending my 2 year old daughter to a daycare full time while me and her brother sat at home. So after 8 weeks at home with Elijah, we decided to keep Rosalie at home with me as well, only going to preschool 2 half days a week.

I admit, I was scared about how my days would go. I'd no longer be able to sit on my butt all day, let alone have control of the television. And on top of that, we had the daunting task of potty training looming over our heads (that was something we vowed to tackle with her before the year end.) Needless to say, it was quite the adjustment being home alone with the two of them, but it ended up being the time of my life. Now more than ever, I am so sad about returning to work and leaving my babies. Staying home with them for these 4 1/2 months was the best learning experience for me as a parent. I've truly grown to have more patience and better time managent skills. But most of all, this experience has given me a lot more of one very important trait: selflessness.

The more time I spend with my kids, the more I realize how special they are. Rosalie is blossoming into a polite, creative young girl. She mesmerizes me with her singing voice, not only because it's beautiful, but her ability to quickly memorize lyrics is amazing! She is very well spoken and is quite sociable with other children. She is finally potty trained (yay!) and is becoming more and more independent. Her sweet personality is really the cherry on top - the love that she constantly expresses towards me, her dad, and new baby brother is the most adorable thing. Try to take her baby brother away from her and see what happens! She is a natural born protector.

Elijah may have been early but he is hitting all his milestones like a champ and is even cutting a tooth! We always call him "jolly boy" because he is such a squirmy, happy baby and is always wanting to share a smile with you, no matter how tired he is. His laughs and coos are intoxicating, but boy are his cries LOUD. They say you learn your lesson with the first one and you don't spoil your second one as much. So not true! I've spent more time at home with him so he is much more attached to me (and my breast). And since I am not in the mood to crib train, he has been co-sleeping with me since day one. You can really say he is a mama's boy, but I am loving every minute of it.

If anything, this year has made me realize just how fast time flies by. We have many warm and happy memories of 2013: my pregnancy, moving to Chino Hills, Anthony getting a great new job, my sister getting engaged, Elijah's birth, my brother and sister in law's wedding, and all the little events in between that we shared with our beloved friends and family. The Lord has been so good to us and has seen us through the happiest and hardest times this year. It is always so crazy to me how things end up working out. God truly works in mysterious ways.

Heading into 2014, I enter with the constant hope to be a better person than I was the year before. I will try my best to make sure this New Year is filled with more positive memories and will strive to be the best mom and wife that I can possibly can. I am sad that the year and my time at home is ending, but I welcome the new year with open arms. I know there are lots of exciting times ahead, and I am looking forward to all the new experiences coming our way. 

Life is too short. Whatever time I have here on Earth, I just want to spend it loving deeply, trusting God completely, and enjoying myself on the way. 

Well, I guess I'll end this post by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy 2014!! Love and blessings to you all!

Preparing to be mom..again.

It's been quite a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then. When I first started this blog, I was newly married and anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child. Now here I am, pregnant with the second, and things this time around couldn't be more different.

2012 was a great year. It was a year where I did some "growing up" and found myself exhausting my social life to the point where I was finally ready to settle down and say "Ok, I'm ready for another baby". I was enjoying having my body back and Rosalie was growing so beautifully that everyone wanted to babysit her for a day or two, which left me with some "me" time. I think I'm at that point now where I've exhausted all of that "me" time and all I ever want these days is "us" time.

It takes a lot of financial and emotional preparation to plan for another baby, but luckily, we were blessed with so much this past year that we were finally able to reach that point. And plus, Rosalie is getting to a point now where all she loves to do is play, play play, so we figured that it was time to give her a more capable playmate.

It didn't happen right away like we had expected it to. It actually took 4 good months to finally get a positive pregnancy test - and although that doesn't sound long to some - it felt like an eternity to me. You really don't realize how scary it is to try to have a baby until you actually TRY to have a baby. Although all the formulas were right, the results were just not there and it got a little discouraging.

Needless to say, when I finally got that positive pregnancy test 2 days after Christmas, it was the best Christmas present EVER. And although we were expecting it in a way, it was still a big surprise when it actually happened. Even now, in my 15th week of pregnancy, I still don't think it has sunk in. I still can't believe that God has chosen us to bring TWO tiny humans into this world. It's such a huge responsibility, but nothing short of an amazing blessing for us.

Unlike my first pregnancy,  I definitely feel the effects of this one. I was so sick up until a couple weeks ago that I could hardly hold anything down. My food aversions were stronger than ever and I was so fatigued that I was in bed everyday by 9pm. It is also different this time around because instead of going home and lounging around, I have to be up and about playing with Rosalie and preparing dinner, her bath, etc. It was really exhausting for the first couple months that I hardly got to enjoy the "glow" that comes with being pregnant.

Emotionally, I'm a lot better this time around. I'm not giving myself anxiety everyday by worrying about this baby's health - partly because I know what to expect for the next 9 months and also because I trust in God's will for us. Although, I do have a lot of other emotions that I didn't feel the first time around. I feel like time is going by much faster with this pregnancy because I'm trying to savor all the moments that I have left with Rosalie.  In a way, I fear that there is not enough room in my heart because I am SO in love with her. It feels a little selfish, but I am sad that I won't be able to  dedicate 100% of my time and attention to her anymore - even though I know that having a sibling will benefit her so much as time goes on.

In the end of it all, I really am so excited for the next 5 months to fly by. I can't wait to hear the words "one last push" because I know that all that will follow is that euphoric feeling of falling in love all over again. I am highly anticipating the upcoming gender appointment next month, and the excitement of choosing a name that comes with it. It's the beginning of a beautiful new journey for us and at this very moment, I couldn't be happier.

On that note - I really am excited to be writing in this blog again and I can't wait to write about my new experiences with being a mom for the second time around. I've been feeling a little guilty lately because I haven't been documenting this pregnancy as much as I did the first one - but hopefully there will be a lot more posts to come.

2 Years Married

Today is our 2 year anniversary. (Applause) Can't really say that it's much of a feat because honestly, it's been easy. It's easy loving this man and spending my life with him. What can I say that I haven't said already? There are so many ways to tell you how amazing he is. So I'll just take this time to tell you how this past year has changed me.

What I've learned:
1) Stay Hungry.
Sometimes you are so happy with your life that you become content. And in some ways contentment can lead to boredom. And boredom, well, can lead to a lot of other things. I've learned that it's important to always keep strategizing your future together. Right now, we are in this happy little routine where we know exactly who does what and what goes where, etc.  Rosalie is 16 months old now and as fun as ever. We are very much enjoying our time with her and our time together. We could easily say we are happy with where we are but where does that lead us?
When we were dating, Anthony always told me that relationships are like rollercoasters. They go up and down and in order to keep the ride interesting, you HAD to throw an uphill in there. Some kind of struggle or accomplishment that you'd go through and strive to overcome together.  Whenever we hit a downhill, he always did his best to keep things interesting. And for that, I love him. First we bought a dog, then we got engaged, then we had a baby..well you get the point. It keeps our relationship interesting and our eyes focused on the prize. At the end of the rollercoaster, you want your hair to be messed up and your underarms sweaty so you can look back and say "WHOA. Best ride ever!"

2) A good relationship involves two really great forgivers.
Couples fight. Fights are an essential part of your relationship. When you're married, a whole new genre of fighting comes into your lives. What do I mean by that? Well, when we were in college, jealousy plagued our relationship. But now, most of our jealousy issues have completely gone away. No longer do the days exist when we fight about "the girl in the picture who's arm is wrapped around you a little too tightly".
NOW we fight about things that actually make sense and that have meaning in our lives. Is this a good thing? No. We don't fight often, but when we do, it's actually a lot more painful and more aggressive because fighting only take place when deep rooted issues come out to bite us in the ass. Now, our fights involve arguments that are a matter of our well being, such as finance and decisions about the future of our family.
When you're married, your tolerance and forgiving nature must increase ten fold. Not only do you have to learn to forgive whatever that other person says in the heat of an argument, but you must be patient enough to not throw the word "divorce" out there whenever you hit a block in the road (something I've had to learn that hard way). Obviously, you will make mistakes and so will your partner, but it's really about learning to move past things quickly and not holding grudges because the last thing you want in your relationship is something holding you back from true happiness. You did promise to be with them forever.

3) Keep finding things in common.
Just because you're married, doesn't mean that you're not always changing. I find myself always looking for new hobbies and suddenly disliking things that I once adored. I used to be a huge fan of reality television, and now I'm so sick of it that I could slap Kim Kardashian's pretty little face. People are always growing and changing, which is why you always have to find a way to keep each other entertained. You must learn to humor the other person. He doesn't like every show that I do, but he's learned to love all the housewives on Wisteria lane just because that's what I do every Sunday night. I'm not particulary a big fan of the Miami Heat, but sure, I'll root for them too because it makes him happy whenever they win. Give and take. It's the only way you'll keep enjoying spending time together.

4) Keep looking at the big picture.
From the moment you say "I do", you'll have to sacrifice a lot to make it work. Sometimes the sacrifices are small and other times, they're really really big. I've never been asked to leave my comfort zone so many times except since we've been married. We've both had to suffer a little bit to get us to where we want to be. It's easy to forget sometimes what you're doing it for, which is why you have to remember to look at the bigger picture. So whether it's living at one of your parents' house for a little bit to save for a house, or working a little more hours so your spouse can find a new job, be supportive. There will always be huge decisions to make. Choose the one where it benefits your entire family, even if it means being "uncomfortable" for the time being. Take it all in stride. Give 100% of yourself if you know that it is what's best for everyone in the end.

Well, what can I say? It's been a progressive, exciting, and amazing year and I'm learning more and more as we go. Being married isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It really is hard work. But trust me, when you find the person that's worth doing it for, all of it just becomes a lesson in the road of life. You always need the bad times to appreciate the good.

I am forever grateful for the blessing in my life that is my husband. Two years into it and I've learned more about myself than I ever did in my whole adolescent life. Today isn't an anniversary. It's a freakin' celebration! So happy anniversary babe, I love you with all my heart and soul. May God continue to bless us with health, happiness, and beautiful children who carry the attributes of their amazing father.

Us. <3