2013: That's a Wrap!

As my maternity leave and this year comes to a close, I have so much to be thankful for and so much to be emotional about at the same time.

Although this year has blessed us with 12 full months, it is these last 4 that have really meant a lot to me. You know how they say you never stop learning to be a parent? Well, that saying is so true. 

When Elijah was born, I was terrified of being alone with these 2 kids. I had no idea how I would be able to handle a sleepy newborn and a super hyper toddler at the same time. For a while, Anthony and I took one kid at a time - one parent devoting their time and attention to one kid. It seemed to work that way but we couldn't keep it up forever.

Rosalie continued to go to daycare full time while I stayed home and bonded with Elijah. Our time together was great. We got into a good rhythm and he was spoiled rotten by me, sleeping in my arms all day while I Netflixed every show I possibly could. My leave started off great, but I started to feel so guilty - Guilty about sending my 2 year old daughter to a daycare full time while me and her brother sat at home. So after 8 weeks at home with Elijah, we decided to keep Rosalie at home with me as well, only going to preschool 2 half days a week.

I admit, I was scared about how my days would go. I'd no longer be able to sit on my butt all day, let alone have control of the television. And on top of that, we had the daunting task of potty training looming over our heads (that was something we vowed to tackle with her before the year end.) Needless to say, it was quite the adjustment being home alone with the two of them, but it ended up being the time of my life. Now more than ever, I am so sad about returning to work and leaving my babies. Staying home with them for these 4 1/2 months was the best learning experience for me as a parent. I've truly grown to have more patience and better time managent skills. But most of all, this experience has given me a lot more of one very important trait: selflessness.

The more time I spend with my kids, the more I realize how special they are. Rosalie is blossoming into a polite, creative young girl. She mesmerizes me with her singing voice, not only because it's beautiful, but her ability to quickly memorize lyrics is amazing! She is very well spoken and is quite sociable with other children. She is finally potty trained (yay!) and is becoming more and more independent. Her sweet personality is really the cherry on top - the love that she constantly expresses towards me, her dad, and new baby brother is the most adorable thing. Try to take her baby brother away from her and see what happens! She is a natural born protector.

Elijah may have been early but he is hitting all his milestones like a champ and is even cutting a tooth! We always call him "jolly boy" because he is such a squirmy, happy baby and is always wanting to share a smile with you, no matter how tired he is. His laughs and coos are intoxicating, but boy are his cries LOUD. They say you learn your lesson with the first one and you don't spoil your second one as much. So not true! I've spent more time at home with him so he is much more attached to me (and my breast). And since I am not in the mood to crib train, he has been co-sleeping with me since day one. You can really say he is a mama's boy, but I am loving every minute of it.

If anything, this year has made me realize just how fast time flies by. We have many warm and happy memories of 2013: my pregnancy, moving to Chino Hills, Anthony getting a great new job, my sister getting engaged, Elijah's birth, my brother and sister in law's wedding, and all the little events in between that we shared with our beloved friends and family. The Lord has been so good to us and has seen us through the happiest and hardest times this year. It is always so crazy to me how things end up working out. God truly works in mysterious ways.

Heading into 2014, I enter with the constant hope to be a better person than I was the year before. I will try my best to make sure this New Year is filled with more positive memories and will strive to be the best mom and wife that I can possibly can. I am sad that the year and my time at home is ending, but I welcome the new year with open arms. I know there are lots of exciting times ahead, and I am looking forward to all the new experiences coming our way. 

Life is too short. Whatever time I have here on Earth, I just want to spend it loving deeply, trusting God completely, and enjoying myself on the way. 

Well, I guess I'll end this post by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy 2014!! Love and blessings to you all!

Starting the T25 workout

It is almost 2014, I'm going back to work soon, and it has been 4 months since I have birth. I am more ready now than ever to finally lose this baby weight!

It's been a struggle being active because I am home with both the kids by myself during the weekdays and it's so hard to get out of the house with two babies in tow. By the time Anthony gets home, I am exhausted and it is freezing. Until one quiet night, I saw the informercial for Shaun T.'s new workout, Focus T25. Since I loved insanity and saw amazing results from it, I was sold.

It is a 10 week program. 25 minutes a day. 5 days a week. I can totally handle it, right? Well, I'm starting today. And I'm going to follow it to the T, with some modifications to my diet of course to accommodate for my breastfeeding. I'm going to blog my progress every week to hold myself accountable. 

My starting weight is 136. My goal at the end of the program is 125 and to get back to a size 6. I currently have to wear a size 10.

As soon as I am done, I will post progress pictures.

Wish me luck!

So call me crazy

Having 2 kids is chaotic. It's crazy, time

consuming, and requires 100% from you if you want to make sure that your kids are happy, healthy, and loved. I don't know why anyone does it. I applaud all you parents of multiples out there. And I know you can relate with everything I'm about to say.

There are good days but there are bad ones too. We have slowly started to pull Rosalie out of full time daycare to 1) save money and 2) transition her to a real preschool. So now that I'm home with both kids by myself for a majority of the time, I've learned some new tricks and have had to pull out a lot of heavy mommy artillery to manage my days and nights.

My mornings usually start around 6am, and after a night of broken sleep from Elijah's feedings, I haul my butt out of bed to make sure I'm awake by the time Rosalie gets up so Anthony can get ready for work. I feed both kids breakfast and Elijah is usually ready for another nap by 9. And since he doesn't sleep well unless he's being held (I'm working on that, I promise!) I am glued to the couch unless Rosalie wants a snack or a new DVD put in. I get about a 2 hour break when Rosalie takes her nap after lunch (and by break I mean a chance to quickly feed myself and maybe squeeze a DVR'ed tv episode in) but other than that, it's a juggling act between tending to the kids and keeping up with household chores until daddy gets home.

I hear the word "mommy!" about a 1000 times a day from both Rosalie and Anthony, and I pick up after all of them all day to make sure the house isn't a danger zone.  All of this while being a walking restaurant for Elijah. 

Despite all the craziness, I feel so blessed. Yah yah, it's so cliche. But seriously,  for some crazy reason, God thought that I was the appropriate human being to be put in charge of these 2 little people who need me so much. ME. I know there were better candidates out there, but still, he chose me.

Since having a second kid, I've sacrificed so many things. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and because I knew it was right. I've had to sacrifice most of my social life, my body, sleep, shopping for myself, and precious time with my husband. Yes, you do all that the first time around too, but just when you think you're getting some normality back, you have another child and it all goes out the window.

Your heart grows exponentially. Your patience hits new heights. You become so good at multitasking that you are practically a ninja. You get pushed off a cliff.....and then you learn to fly.

There is nowhere I would rather be more than here at home with these two little monsters. Getting Rosalie potty trained felt better than getting an A in any class I've ever taken. Seeing Elijah socially smiling for the first time was like winning the Nobel prize. Watching them grow and knowing that I am taking advantage of my time off work to be with them every single minute of every day is so rewarding and satisfying that I go to bed with a smile knowing that I may not be perfect, but to them, I'm pretty darn great.

I'm not going to lie, there are moments when I want to fall to my knees, look up to the heavens and scream "WHYYYY!!" But then all I have to do is recall all the rewarding experiences that we have had throughout the years and how much we have grown as people because of these kids. That definitely doesn't mean that I'm open to having another kid EVER, but I do have way too much to be thankful for to be sitting here acting like I'm not the happiest I've ever been. 

So even though my life may not seem exciting to you, you'd be surprised how truly amazing it is just to be needed and so very loved by two wonderful little human beings. So call me crazy, but I'm

pretty in love with this chaotic and crazy type of life. But with these two by my side, how could I not be?

A wish for my 27th birthday

I'm laying here on my phone, blogging through my blogger app, as Rosalie chats away to her dolls instead of going to bed. Why? Because it's my 27th birthday today and there is much to say about it!

To be honest, life has been a whirlwind this past year...from relocating, to going through a difficult pregnancy, to the engagements and weddings of our family and friends, and all the little steps in between that have finally gotten me here - to this cold rainy birthday that was filled with spit up and kisses, a princess balloon and pink flowers picked by Rosalie herself, and a cute card from both of my kids thanks to their daddy. And you know what? It's been a great day.

Every year, I wait for the calls to come in, the texts to start one after another, and all the Facebook and Instagram notifications that come in and flood my phone. And not to sound boastful, but I love it. It reminds me of all the people that I've come across through all walks of my life - college, my sorority, family friends, high school peers, old teammates, even people I've known since elementary school - and all the phases that I've gone through to get where I am today. What has made these 27 years really matter to me is all the relationships that I've made and all the lives that I've been able to touch. 

On birthdays past, I've always had an "I want" attitude. This year...I feel complete. Not that I feel like my work here is done, and in no way am I saying that I have reached my life goals, but I've definitely come to a point where most of what I want isn't for me. What I want now is for my kids. For the people I know and love. I want to see people I know finding what makes them happy. (Yes I Facebook stalk...occasionally).

I want to see my kids enjoy life and feel how loved they are. I want to see my husband reach his goals. I want to see people finding salvation and God's love.

I love hearing and seeing about good things happening in the world. It's what drives me to be a better person. It's what I want for this birthday..and every birthday thereafter.

Like the title of this blog says..I feel myself truly evolving. Not just because I got married and had kids, but because year after year, I am truly humbled by my experiences and the constant reminders of how truly blessed I am. 27 years under my belt and it's been amazing. Every year brings more joy and love than I ever imagine. This year, we were blessed with Elijah who completes our family and who I have fallen hopelessly in love with. And now I'm excited to sit back and watch my kids grow and enjoy all the magic that comes with it. I know that there are many exciting things to look forward to..and as always, I'm ready for it. 

From the bottom of my heart ..thank you for being my friend. My family. An acquaintance. Heck, even a frenemy. Thank you for sharing your lives with me and allowing me to do the same.

Anyhoo..Kids are finally snoozing...so you know what that means. Birthday girl - signing out!

Trying to accept myself

Yes, this is a rant. Not a cry for help or a self loathing pity party.

I HATE the way I look and feel right now. I knew that my body after baby number 2 would be different but I did not anticipate how much I would loathe it.

I worked so hard after Rosalie to get my body back to what it was. It took a lot of exercise and motivation to reach my goals but I managed to do it. I told myself that this time around would be the same. That I would hit the gym right when I was done healing. Here I am, 6 weeks later...feeling and looking like I'm still 5 months pregnant.

I started this pregnancy at 126 pounds. I ended at 158. I am currently 140. None of my pre pregnancy clothes fit and shopping for new ones is always a bust. Not even my shoes look right on me since I'm carrying all this new weight in my legs and midsection. I am feeling embarrassed to leave the house, let alone go out and get dressed for a nice occasion. I'm two dress sizes up from what I used to be and I want to delete every picture I take that shows my body from the neck down. Yes, I feel that horrible.

You can think to yourself "What is she talking about? She doesn't even look that bad." But like I said, I'm not fishing for compliments here, this is just the reality of what we normal women face when our body changes so drastically after a pregnancy. It toys with our emotions. It has left me sensitive and self conscious. And with all my new time constraints and the scarcity of rest, let alone sleep, I can't even begin to motivate myself to go the gym.  And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk supply. So it leaves me here. Helpless about the way I feel.

This is kind of a pointless post, but I just needed to vent. I wanted to expose the true nature of what I'm going through now as a mother of two. I love my children to death. They're my world. But you really do give up a lot of yourself to motherhood and physical appearance is just one of the many casualties for me. I know that as the months go by, I'll find a way to feel better about myself and enjoy looking in the mirror again, but for now, this is me. I keep trying to tell myself to give my body
 a break. After all, it did make and sustain two living human beings. But when I stand there surrounded by all my beautiful friends and see all these clothes in my closet that I can't even wear....it's hard not to get sad.

I guess for now all I can do is try to stay healthy and focus on giving my babies the best parts of me. I hope I can eventually reach the point where I am finally feeling like me...but til then, there's always spanks and stretchy pants.