Finding Joy

This is real. It's honest and scary to put it out there. But I am going to make a confession that I've never really said out loud or openly talked about with anyone, but I'm going to say it here: I struggle with depression.

I know what you're thinking. "What? How can this mother of 2 beautiful children that is married and is so blessed with all these things suffer from depression?" I wish I knew the answer to that question. Believe me, most times, I am just as confused as you...but I can honestly say that I have struggled with depression since adolescence. You may not understand the term. You may see it as something that can be controlled. Something that is a choice. Something I can turn on and off..but it's not.

During my teenage years, I noticed that it was hard to stay happy. I always found myself stuck in my own thoughts..thinking about morbidly sad things and all the worst case scenarios of every possible situation. I would often shake myself out of it but the thoughts never seemed to completely go away. I would sometimes get so lost in this negativity that I'd find myself crying so hard that it was difficult to get a grip back on reality. I was always anxious and worried and was never satisfied by my own appearance. At such a young age, it was so hard to overcome this unexplained sadness.

Everyone knows that puberty is no easy task, especially for young girls. I was definitely not equipped to deal with these feelings and it got really bad at one point. Needless to say, it's not something that I talk about often or share with complete strangers but it has made me who I am today and without this story, I would not be complete.

As the years have gone by, I've gained the resources that I've needed to subdue the feelings for the most part - counseling and medication didn't work. What did work for me was submersing myself in books and movies - in alternate realities that helped me to crowd out those overbearing thoughts. I surrounded myself with people and did what I could to hide my insecurities and sadness. I avoided having idle hands by participating in whatever extracurricular activities that I could. I have gained a support system of close loved ones that has helped me through the toughest of times.

But there's another thing I've learned about myself through all this - I am a fighter. 80% of me is a happy, normal, grateful person. But there is still that 20% that exists...that ugly, sad, anxious person that loves to feed off of my insecurities and worries. But it's that bigger part of me that has allowed me to move on in life. It has allowed me to make an amazing life for myself. It has allowed me to make great relationships with people that truly love me. It is the stronger part of me that refused to let that 20% ever win.

It makes life a harder for me, but no, I am not sad about it. I am thankful that God gave me this battle. It has made me...me. I would have never developed the skills to write my stories if I didn't love to read so much. I would've never appreciated life as much as I do if I almost didn't lose it. It has driven me to look for answers - which has led me right to into the arms of a loving and forgiving God. Sometimes, even today, there are moments when it takes everything in me to fight off that mini, evil, Ria and it's scary as hell.

Even though having it is not a choice,  I am choosing to fight it - with all that I have and all that I am. I choose to fight it for the sake of my children and everyone who loves me. I will fight it because every battle that I win makes me a stronger person. I choose to fight it because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

If you understand what I'm talking about, if you know how it feels to have a battle within your mind all the time- then you would know how truly difficult it is sometimes to  just get through the day. I know that the first step to finally beating it is to learn how to look at the glass half full and admitting that I need help sometimes. I know I have a lot of people who love and support me..I just need to let myself receive that love with open arms. I have to find the joy in the little things - every breath that my kids take, every day that I get to feel the sun on my face, every day that that I am sheltered, clothed, and fed, every happy moment with my husband. I have to remember to reach for the joy that is all around me and not focus on the dissappointments and worries of life.

This post has been sitting in my "drafts" section for the longest time. I didn't know if I would have the courage to post it, if I could handle being judged. But someting inside of me told me to. No, it's not a cry for help or a ruse for attention. Mostly, it's just me admitting that I'm scared sometimes..and to remind myself that I'm not alone. I'm sure there are many other people out there who find themselves desperately searching for joy and I just wanted to put it out there that even the "luckiest" of us struggle sometimes.

We can choose to look as life as a task, or we can choose to look as it as a blessing. Yes, we face disappointments and struggle - but are you going to let the disappointments define you? Or are you going to push through and come out stronger on the other end? Although we may not always have the will to fight, maybe sometimes all we need is that helping hand to pull us through the darkness. Maybe all we need is that one person to relate to us or to remind us of our joy. So just remember - no matter what you're going through - just smile and be kind. Offer your support and prayers to those who show sadness or dissapointment - whether you can see it on their face or even just through social media. We don't know each other's battles - but we can definitely still make a difference in the smallest of ways.

Living a Thankful Life

Sometimes I feel as if I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am such an anxious person, worrisome of my own fears, and there are some nights that it eats me alive. What do I worry about? Everything and anything. Random things. Cancer. Ebola. Natural disasters. Things that can hurt the people that I love. I sit on my phone at night and I read the news. I cry about stories of suffering children and missing loved ones. I fear the rapists and the child abusers that were caught just one city away. Like I said....The weight of the world.

I always pray and ask God to take this weight off my shoulders. Sometimes I feel as if he and I are constantly fighting for the driver's seat of MY life...I always have trouble sitting back and relinquishing control. For years I've known that a good believer does not worry so much, but then why was I never able to shake off all of these worries that bombarded my thoughts?

I really just wanted to share this miraculous story of how God answered my prayers, in the strangest but most glorious of ways. Weeks before my birthday, I had been worrying myself to death about my kids getting sick with all of these strange diseases going around. I was always thinking about what bills were due and when. I was starting to feel the stress of our mortgage hitting our checkbooks. All of this put me on edge and made it hard for me to sleep at night.

The day before my birthday, I got into a bad car accident and totaled our Highlander. I was devastated. God KNEW that I was already struggling with bills. He KNEW I had enough worries on my plate. WHY would he let me go through something like this? Sure, I had only walked away with a few bruised ribs and some very sore muscles , but why would he let me experience something so terrible right before my birthday?  Why couldn't I have avoided that accident altogether? I was broken.

The weeks following my accident were emotional for me. I was bombarded with calls and letters from my insurance and the insurance of those involved, forcing myself to relive that moment over and over again. What were we going to do about a new car? A new car payment was the last thing that I wanted to be added to my burdens. I was heavy in my own sorrow but continued to pray for the strength to take blame for this and to "roll with the punches" since there was not much I could do about it now. We just waited for the dust to settle, and just hoped to get close to Blue Book value for our car to be able to afford a new one.

Then, we got the call from our insurance. It was nothing short a of a miracle. We were getting about $9,000 more dollars than we had hoped for from our totaled car. I was in shock. Not only was this a blessing in itself because we wouldn't have to worry about the burden of paying for a new SUV, but $9,000 was exactly the amount of money that we needed to pay off the debt we had acquired since buying our house. My mind was blown. I was in complete shock. How could something like this fall so perfectly into place? How could I, so lacking in faith and so obsessed with having control of my own life, receive a blessing such as this? God not only answered my prayers, but far surpassed anything that I could have ever imagined.

Here I was, so busy worrying about tomorrow and what the future would bring, that I was forgetting to enjoy the now. My car accident could've been a lot worse. I could've been seriously hurt or even killed. But I wasn't. I was only given what I could handle...And although I groaned and moaned about the situation even as I prayed, God never stopped listening. He had a plan for me all along. He used the accident to open my eyes..to stop worrying so much about what I can't control. How can I be so worried about catching the Ebola virus that I missed the fact that I could die in a split second just driving home from work? Seems so silly, doesn't it?

I know that as a parent, we can't protect our children or ourselves from everything. This incident has really reminded me to count my blessings each and everyday and to never rely on myself, but to always trust in the plans that the Lord has for us. Just because I pray and I believe, doesn't mean that me or my loved ones won't ever suffer the pain and sorrows of this world. But it does mean that I will never ever have to go through it alone. It reminded me that sitting in the driver's seat all by myself is a very lonely place to be, but being the passenger of a vehicle that is driven by the most loving and generous creator is a much better position to be in.

I thought this was the perfect post just in time for Thanksgiving. It encouraged me to just examine my life, to pay attention to my thoughts and words, and see how much thanksgiving I express on the daily. Do I murmur and complain about things all the time, or am I thankful? Since then, I've been trying to focus all of my energy on just being thankful instead of worrying so much or constantly asking for more. If you want to challenge yourself, just try to get through an entire day without uttering one word of complaint. It's hard. Really hard! But just keep trying to develop an attitude of thanksgiving in every situation and watch as your intimacy with God increases and he pours out more blessings than ever before.

So, if you're a worrisome individual just like me, or experiencing a tough obstacle in life, just remember that things will always be okay in the end...And if it's not okay, then it's not the end yet. Be thankful for everything that you have and never let the worries of tomorrow strip you of the happiness of today. Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving and hug your loved ones extra tight!!

The Journey Home

After almost 5 years of marriage and 2 kids later, we have finally been blessed with a home. I know this may be a small thing for some people, but for some reason, it feels like an enormous milestone for us - maybe because it has taken so much to get here and it has been a dream of ours that has always felt so far away. The journey here wasn't easy, but we finally made it!

Since the day that we started planning our future together, a house was always in the cards, but things kept happening in our lives that would always discourage us making it seem like getting a home would be impossible. Instead of enjoying our first few years of marriage and saving a down payment for the home, we had kids right away and they definitely took up most of our time and monetary resources. Whenever we would try to pull ourselves out of debt and save money, the "unexpected" expenses would pile up and we had to put the goal of having a home on the backburner several times. It wasn't until we had Elijah that we realized we needed more than just a two bedroom apartment - we needed a home.

Throughout the years, we've made so many life changing decisions. In 5 years of marriage, we have moved 4 times, each time a more taxing experience. And even though we've never really settled in a place for more than 18 months at a time, it feels like each time we gained more and more stuff to move. When the rent at our apartment got raised so high, we started to put some serious thought into buying a home. That was a very tough decision to make this year - To move away from our comfort zone and put ourselves out there to look for a house with not a very big budget OR stay in an apartment and keep renting comfortably until we could afford a nicer house with a bigger budget (which could have taken another 2 to 4 years).

It's crossroads like these that really test the bounds of your partnership with your spouse, and you'd better believe we weren't always on the same page. But somehow, we got led onto the roller coaster ride that is the current housing market which is definitely much more seller friendly than we would have liked. We started off looking in areas that we didn't LOVE but could get more bang for our buck. With kids, there is so much more to consider - school district, safety, babysitter situation, space for toys, etc. Occasionally, we would casually venture into the more expensive parts of town for homes that were great deals, but would often get our hopes crushed when we were outbid by the much more qualified competition.

Needless to say, it was four months of very active looking and the drawing up of what seemed like endless amounts of papers to be signed until we finally came across the one. We wanted to take a break from looking for a while until this home came up on the listings and we just HAD to see this one last house. We loved it from the moment we saw it - it was in the better area of town, had the most square footage out of anything we saw and could afford, and although it needed some TLC, had so much potential. It was a foreclosed home and according to the seller, it had a not-so-hefty price tag because of the jungle of a backyard that it had, which wasn't really a big deal to us.

So we made an offer, and to our surprise, it was accepted a couple days later. It was a wave of shock that one of our offers was finally accepted, let alone for  a home that we really loved! Long story short, we  were scared, excited and nervous all at once. We fell out of escrow for a little bit because of some repairs that were not addressed - but after some negotiations and much thought on our part, the house officially was ours on August 6th.

With some extra cash, a good contractor, and a little bit of elbow grease, we have fixed up this home from being a neglected foreclosure, to the starter home of our dreams. I am so humbled and happy about this huge blessing that has been given to us, especially because we never thought it to be possible. If you would have told me back in March that I was going to own THIS home in a few short months, I probably would've laughed it off and yelled at you for being so cruel. But here we are. It may not be the biggest or newest home in a popular city, but to us, it is such a big achievement. It hasn't quite settled in yet because we haven't officially started living there, but after seeing my bank account, I am reminded that it is very real. Lol!

Lastly, I just want to say that none of this would've been possible without the help of my very loving and generous in-laws. They've invested so much in our family and I hope they know that the happiness they've given us is priceless! Thank you to my parents who have opened up their home for us to live in while we saved money and looked for a home. And of course, thank you also to our realtor, my Tita Winnie, who guided us through the whole process with patience (And our loan officer, Rufina, too!) So if you're looking for a good team to help you with your next home, hit me up for their information.

It's been quite the journey for Anthony and I. We have definitely never disagreed as much as we have until we started looking for a house - but through lots of prayer and somewhat rational discussion, we have always managed to navigate ourselves to some common ground. And NOW, we're both learning the ropes of homeownership. (Thank goodness for my dad and my grandpa who are always there to help teach Anthony the basics of keeping your house functioning). There's nothing more attractive than a guy who can assemble furniture, ignite a pilot light, and entertain a toddler at the same time!

Well, without further adieu, here are some before and after photos of our lovely new abode!

This is what it looked like when we first bought it...Everything was brown and gold! The kitchen had formica countertops, and the flooring was all carpet and vinyl. Also, all of the cabinets were flimsy and were lined with disgusting old wallpaper.

 

Here is our backyard before and after clean up. We had a huge pile of debris on the side of the house..literally like 3 feet high and weeds growing everywhere.

Here are some of the AFTER photos - new apron sink, quartz countertops downstairs and all granite upstairs. All the cabinets have been replaced, the fireplace painted, bathtubs reglazed, and all flooring replaced with laminate wood all around and tile in the bathrooms.

More after photos - Added shutters, changed all the lighting fixtures from gold to brushed nickel, changed the old fluorescent lighting in the kitchen to recessed bulbs, knocked down a cabinet and put pendant lighting in the kitchen, and changed all the baseboards.
 

 

Who is this man that I married?

Our 4 year wedding anniversary is in a few days. And you know what I've realized in this past year? I married a complete stranger.

As naïve, young adults, we like to think that we are marrying a person that we know inside and out; that we know everything there is to know about each other - and that makes us a perfect fit. But over the past years I've come to learn that this notion is completely false. Although we take the time to date, to get to know each other's personalities, to remember every blemish and beauty mark on each other's faces, you still end up marrying a complete stranger.

Marriage isn't easy. Over the past year, we've had our ups and downs and have been challenged from all different directions. Having a second baby, we struggled to find a routine and adjust our lives accordingly. We find it difficult sometimes to have some quiet moments together, because plopping down on the couch to finally get a chance to go through our social media newsfeeds at the end of the day really isn't considered "quality time". But some days - that's really all the energy we have left to do.

We've also had to make a lot of really tough decisions lately and find ourselves arguing our points to each other so intensely that it turns into a giant meltdown. Some days, we rely on each other too little or too much and it makes it difficult to keep ourselves sane. We've been through so much and there is so much still ahead of us that it's gonna take a lot of faith and compromise to get through it.

.....Like I said. Marriage isn't easy.

So what did I mean when I said I married a complete stranger? Well. I've learned that yes, I married a man that I was completely in love with when I was 23 years old. But marriage changes you. Kids change you. Jobs change you. Trials and tribulations change you. Aging changes you. You come to discover that getting to know the depths of someone's heart takes years. But that's the nature of marriage - it's a relationship so intimate and challenging that it really takes true, unconditional love to make that journey together.

There's a quote by a man named Stanley Hauerwas defining a successful marriage as "learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married." What does he mean? Simply put, I think it's important to understand that  marriage is not the finish line to where we instantly know and fully understand our spouse. It's a commitment to a lifetime of growing and changing across the years together. Everything that Anthony and I have been going through is shaping and defining our relationship - every good moment, every bad moment, and every decision that we've made. But through it all, our love for each other remains unscathed.

Not every year will I say that the year was perfect and I love him more than ever. But like I've always said - I'm all about being real when it comes to my posts. But one thing is for sure - I wouldn't have made it in this journey with anyone else. Through it all, I've come to realize that Anthony is my soul mate. He balances me out when I'm feeling a little crazy, and he reels me back in when I feel like pulling away. He always recognizes his faults and his commitment to me and his children is unwavering. And because of that, I know that he is forever mine and I am forever his.

Marriage is not a finished statue. It is merely a block of marble from which your perfect spouse will emerge. So if you commit to loving one another and helping each other grow while keeping God in the center of your relationship, in the end, you'll find a masterpiece.

So to my darling husband -

Happy 4 year Anniversary, my love. There's nobody in the world that I'd rather quarrel with, make up with, and grow old with than you. xoxo

2013: That's a Wrap!

As my maternity leave and this year comes to a close, I have so much to be thankful for and so much to be emotional about at the same time.

Although this year has blessed us with 12 full months, it is these last 4 that have really meant a lot to me. You know how they say you never stop learning to be a parent? Well, that saying is so true. 

When Elijah was born, I was terrified of being alone with these 2 kids. I had no idea how I would be able to handle a sleepy newborn and a super hyper toddler at the same time. For a while, Anthony and I took one kid at a time - one parent devoting their time and attention to one kid. It seemed to work that way but we couldn't keep it up forever.

Rosalie continued to go to daycare full time while I stayed home and bonded with Elijah. Our time together was great. We got into a good rhythm and he was spoiled rotten by me, sleeping in my arms all day while I Netflixed every show I possibly could. My leave started off great, but I started to feel so guilty - Guilty about sending my 2 year old daughter to a daycare full time while me and her brother sat at home. So after 8 weeks at home with Elijah, we decided to keep Rosalie at home with me as well, only going to preschool 2 half days a week.

I admit, I was scared about how my days would go. I'd no longer be able to sit on my butt all day, let alone have control of the television. And on top of that, we had the daunting task of potty training looming over our heads (that was something we vowed to tackle with her before the year end.) Needless to say, it was quite the adjustment being home alone with the two of them, but it ended up being the time of my life. Now more than ever, I am so sad about returning to work and leaving my babies. Staying home with them for these 4 1/2 months was the best learning experience for me as a parent. I've truly grown to have more patience and better time managent skills. But most of all, this experience has given me a lot more of one very important trait: selflessness.

The more time I spend with my kids, the more I realize how special they are. Rosalie is blossoming into a polite, creative young girl. She mesmerizes me with her singing voice, not only because it's beautiful, but her ability to quickly memorize lyrics is amazing! She is very well spoken and is quite sociable with other children. She is finally potty trained (yay!) and is becoming more and more independent. Her sweet personality is really the cherry on top - the love that she constantly expresses towards me, her dad, and new baby brother is the most adorable thing. Try to take her baby brother away from her and see what happens! She is a natural born protector.

Elijah may have been early but he is hitting all his milestones like a champ and is even cutting a tooth! We always call him "jolly boy" because he is such a squirmy, happy baby and is always wanting to share a smile with you, no matter how tired he is. His laughs and coos are intoxicating, but boy are his cries LOUD. They say you learn your lesson with the first one and you don't spoil your second one as much. So not true! I've spent more time at home with him so he is much more attached to me (and my breast). And since I am not in the mood to crib train, he has been co-sleeping with me since day one. You can really say he is a mama's boy, but I am loving every minute of it.

If anything, this year has made me realize just how fast time flies by. We have many warm and happy memories of 2013: my pregnancy, moving to Chino Hills, Anthony getting a great new job, my sister getting engaged, Elijah's birth, my brother and sister in law's wedding, and all the little events in between that we shared with our beloved friends and family. The Lord has been so good to us and has seen us through the happiest and hardest times this year. It is always so crazy to me how things end up working out. God truly works in mysterious ways.

Heading into 2014, I enter with the constant hope to be a better person than I was the year before. I will try my best to make sure this New Year is filled with more positive memories and will strive to be the best mom and wife that I can possibly can. I am sad that the year and my time at home is ending, but I welcome the new year with open arms. I know there are lots of exciting times ahead, and I am looking forward to all the new experiences coming our way. 

Life is too short. Whatever time I have here on Earth, I just want to spend it loving deeply, trusting God completely, and enjoying myself on the way. 

Well, I guess I'll end this post by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy 2014!! Love and blessings to you all!