Starting the T25 workout

It is almost 2014, I'm going back to work soon, and it has been 4 months since I have birth. I am more ready now than ever to finally lose this baby weight!

It's been a struggle being active because I am home with both the kids by myself during the weekdays and it's so hard to get out of the house with two babies in tow. By the time Anthony gets home, I am exhausted and it is freezing. Until one quiet night, I saw the informercial for Shaun T.'s new workout, Focus T25. Since I loved insanity and saw amazing results from it, I was sold.

It is a 10 week program. 25 minutes a day. 5 days a week. I can totally handle it, right? Well, I'm starting today. And I'm going to follow it to the T, with some modifications to my diet of course to accommodate for my breastfeeding. I'm going to blog my progress every week to hold myself accountable. 

My starting weight is 136. My goal at the end of the program is 125 and to get back to a size 6. I currently have to wear a size 10.

As soon as I am done, I will post progress pictures.

Wish me luck!

So call me crazy

Having 2 kids is chaotic. It's crazy, time

consuming, and requires 100% from you if you want to make sure that your kids are happy, healthy, and loved. I don't know why anyone does it. I applaud all you parents of multiples out there. And I know you can relate with everything I'm about to say.

There are good days but there are bad ones too. We have slowly started to pull Rosalie out of full time daycare to 1) save money and 2) transition her to a real preschool. So now that I'm home with both kids by myself for a majority of the time, I've learned some new tricks and have had to pull out a lot of heavy mommy artillery to manage my days and nights.

My mornings usually start around 6am, and after a night of broken sleep from Elijah's feedings, I haul my butt out of bed to make sure I'm awake by the time Rosalie gets up so Anthony can get ready for work. I feed both kids breakfast and Elijah is usually ready for another nap by 9. And since he doesn't sleep well unless he's being held (I'm working on that, I promise!) I am glued to the couch unless Rosalie wants a snack or a new DVD put in. I get about a 2 hour break when Rosalie takes her nap after lunch (and by break I mean a chance to quickly feed myself and maybe squeeze a DVR'ed tv episode in) but other than that, it's a juggling act between tending to the kids and keeping up with household chores until daddy gets home.

I hear the word "mommy!" about a 1000 times a day from both Rosalie and Anthony, and I pick up after all of them all day to make sure the house isn't a danger zone.  All of this while being a walking restaurant for Elijah. 

Despite all the craziness, I feel so blessed. Yah yah, it's so cliche. But seriously,  for some crazy reason, God thought that I was the appropriate human being to be put in charge of these 2 little people who need me so much. ME. I know there were better candidates out there, but still, he chose me.

Since having a second kid, I've sacrificed so many things. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and because I knew it was right. I've had to sacrifice most of my social life, my body, sleep, shopping for myself, and precious time with my husband. Yes, you do all that the first time around too, but just when you think you're getting some normality back, you have another child and it all goes out the window.

Your heart grows exponentially. Your patience hits new heights. You become so good at multitasking that you are practically a ninja. You get pushed off a cliff.....and then you learn to fly.

There is nowhere I would rather be more than here at home with these two little monsters. Getting Rosalie potty trained felt better than getting an A in any class I've ever taken. Seeing Elijah socially smiling for the first time was like winning the Nobel prize. Watching them grow and knowing that I am taking advantage of my time off work to be with them every single minute of every day is so rewarding and satisfying that I go to bed with a smile knowing that I may not be perfect, but to them, I'm pretty darn great.

I'm not going to lie, there are moments when I want to fall to my knees, look up to the heavens and scream "WHYYYY!!" But then all I have to do is recall all the rewarding experiences that we have had throughout the years and how much we have grown as people because of these kids. That definitely doesn't mean that I'm open to having another kid EVER, but I do have way too much to be thankful for to be sitting here acting like I'm not the happiest I've ever been. 

So even though my life may not seem exciting to you, you'd be surprised how truly amazing it is just to be needed and so very loved by two wonderful little human beings. So call me crazy, but I'm

pretty in love with this chaotic and crazy type of life. But with these two by my side, how could I not be?

A wish for my 27th birthday

I'm laying here on my phone, blogging through my blogger app, as Rosalie chats away to her dolls instead of going to bed. Why? Because it's my 27th birthday today and there is much to say about it!

To be honest, life has been a whirlwind this past year...from relocating, to going through a difficult pregnancy, to the engagements and weddings of our family and friends, and all the little steps in between that have finally gotten me here - to this cold rainy birthday that was filled with spit up and kisses, a princess balloon and pink flowers picked by Rosalie herself, and a cute card from both of my kids thanks to their daddy. And you know what? It's been a great day.

Every year, I wait for the calls to come in, the texts to start one after another, and all the Facebook and Instagram notifications that come in and flood my phone. And not to sound boastful, but I love it. It reminds me of all the people that I've come across through all walks of my life - college, my sorority, family friends, high school peers, old teammates, even people I've known since elementary school - and all the phases that I've gone through to get where I am today. What has made these 27 years really matter to me is all the relationships that I've made and all the lives that I've been able to touch. 

On birthdays past, I've always had an "I want" attitude. This year...I feel complete. Not that I feel like my work here is done, and in no way am I saying that I have reached my life goals, but I've definitely come to a point where most of what I want isn't for me. What I want now is for my kids. For the people I know and love. I want to see people I know finding what makes them happy. (Yes I Facebook stalk...occasionally).

I want to see my kids enjoy life and feel how loved they are. I want to see my husband reach his goals. I want to see people finding salvation and God's love.

I love hearing and seeing about good things happening in the world. It's what drives me to be a better person. It's what I want for this birthday..and every birthday thereafter.

Like the title of this blog says..I feel myself truly evolving. Not just because I got married and had kids, but because year after year, I am truly humbled by my experiences and the constant reminders of how truly blessed I am. 27 years under my belt and it's been amazing. Every year brings more joy and love than I ever imagine. This year, we were blessed with Elijah who completes our family and who I have fallen hopelessly in love with. And now I'm excited to sit back and watch my kids grow and enjoy all the magic that comes with it. I know that there are many exciting things to look forward to..and as always, I'm ready for it. 

From the bottom of my heart ..thank you for being my friend. My family. An acquaintance. Heck, even a frenemy. Thank you for sharing your lives with me and allowing me to do the same.

Anyhoo..Kids are finally snoozing...so you know what that means. Birthday girl - signing out!

Trying to accept myself

Yes, this is a rant. Not a cry for help or a self loathing pity party.

I HATE the way I look and feel right now. I knew that my body after baby number 2 would be different but I did not anticipate how much I would loathe it.

I worked so hard after Rosalie to get my body back to what it was. It took a lot of exercise and motivation to reach my goals but I managed to do it. I told myself that this time around would be the same. That I would hit the gym right when I was done healing. Here I am, 6 weeks later...feeling and looking like I'm still 5 months pregnant.

I started this pregnancy at 126 pounds. I ended at 158. I am currently 140. None of my pre pregnancy clothes fit and shopping for new ones is always a bust. Not even my shoes look right on me since I'm carrying all this new weight in my legs and midsection. I am feeling embarrassed to leave the house, let alone go out and get dressed for a nice occasion. I'm two dress sizes up from what I used to be and I want to delete every picture I take that shows my body from the neck down. Yes, I feel that horrible.

You can think to yourself "What is she talking about? She doesn't even look that bad." But like I said, I'm not fishing for compliments here, this is just the reality of what we normal women face when our body changes so drastically after a pregnancy. It toys with our emotions. It has left me sensitive and self conscious. And with all my new time constraints and the scarcity of rest, let alone sleep, I can't even begin to motivate myself to go the gym.  And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk supply. So it leaves me here. Helpless about the way I feel.

This is kind of a pointless post, but I just needed to vent. I wanted to expose the true nature of what I'm going through now as a mother of two. I love my children to death. They're my world. But you really do give up a lot of yourself to motherhood and physical appearance is just one of the many casualties for me. I know that as the months go by, I'll find a way to feel better about myself and enjoy looking in the mirror again, but for now, this is me. I keep trying to tell myself to give my body
 a break. After all, it did make and sustain two living human beings. But when I stand there surrounded by all my beautiful friends and see all these clothes in my closet that I can't even wear....it's hard not to get sad.

I guess for now all I can do is try to stay healthy and focus on giving my babies the best parts of me. I hope I can eventually reach the point where I am finally feeling like me...but til then, there's always spanks and stretchy pants.

One Week Postpartum

Ever wonder what happens after people go home with their baby? The trend that I usually see with my friends who find out they're expecting is that they post a plethora of "preggo" pics all the way up to the adorable hospital photo where all the newborns get the same ol' hat and blankie to announce that the little one has finally come. For a few months the pictures slow down except for an occasional close up of a sleepy newborn - then BAM! A couple months later they're back at it posting pictures of themselves looking great and happier than ever with a super cute and magically chubby baby by their side (3 months of religiously nursing will do that). Sound familiar?

The first few months of having a newborn are grueling and at the same time very rewarding. This first week for us has had its ups and downs - there are moments when I am so filled with joy and just love soaking in every minute of our family of four. But there are also moments when I'm teetering on the edge of sanity wishing that I could be four places at once. This time around, the balancing act for me has been between Rosalie and Recovery.

Even when we started TRYING for this baby I was scared of how Rosalie would react. The main reason why I wanted another child is because I wanted Rosalie to have a sibling. A playmate for life. Don't get me wrong - she LOVES this baby. She has been so anxious to hold him, kiss him, and hug him. She thinks he's a little doll and wants to take him EVERYWHERE. Even with the littlest noises he makes, she can't help but swoon over his cuteness. At the same time, I can also tell she's dealing with emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. She seems resentful now that our attention is split between the two of them. Sometimes I can't tell if it's all a part of her "terrible twos" or if her temper tantrums have doubled. The other day, she was so upset with me because I wouldn't get up from nursing Elijah to follow her into her bedroom. She didn't want to speak to me and she quietly cried in her bed. I felt SO bad. That topped with an overdose of estrogen and I was sent into a crying fit of my own. "My poor baby", I thought to myself. We've had a few moments like this but I just have to keep telling myself that it takes some serious adjusting from every member of the family when a new baby comes home. And just knowing that Rosalie is going to love life a little more because she has a baby brother to share it with in the future makes me feel just a tad bit better.

Recovery time? Hardly existent. It's definitely been a struggle now that there are two kids in the picture. This time around, I definitely expected the sleepless nights and the half sane days, so that's not what is so bad. What has been difficult for me is dealing with my self image and learning to take it easy. Elijah has been an amazing baby thus far. He eats, sleeps, and poops. Probably all in a 3 hour cycle that just repeats itself so its just a matter of me getting used to his schedule and learning to sleep when he sleeps. I've been so busy trying to accommodate for Rosalie and keeping the house clean for visitors that I haven't really had time to rest. I even tried to fit a little walk in the other day because I am SO anxious to exercise again but I failed miserably and ended up back at home with a sore bottom and a lot of regret. My body has definitely taken it harder this time around - I gained about 32 lbs with this pregnancy and came home from the hospital a mere 11 lbs lighter. I feel and look so different that it's hard not to be a little bummed about it. All I know is that once I hit my 6 week postpartum check up and the doc says its ok, I am definitely going to find time to go to the gym and at least TRY to start feeling like myself again. Trying not to beat myself up about how I look has been a big part of recovery for me...It HAS only been one week so I'm hoping that breastfeeding combined with giving my body the time it needs to heal will help me start feeling better.

Sleepy Newborn Photo #1

Having a baby is euphoric. You leave the hospital feeling like a champ for popping out another human being, but once the fog has lifted, you see that the road to a full recovery (mentally and physically) is full of twists and turns. If you're anything like me, you find yourself up and breastfeeding a fussy baby at 3 o'clock in the morning with sore nipples and a pounding headache trolling online feeds  for other new moms who are just as crazy as you are. But, speaking from experience, it took me about 3 months the first time to feel in tune with my motherhood and finally shake off the baby blues so I expect about the same, if not more, for this one.

Having survived this first week with two kids was quite the experience in many good ways. There are moments when I ask myself why I do the things I do, but I look over and see my loving and supportive husband -  half as exhausted as I am with Rosalie climbing on his back asking him to "crawl faster daddy!" - and then I look down in my arms and see my perfect little Elijah who  is healthy and peacefully sleeping - and then I remember: I truly love this life of mine and it can only get better from here.