2013: That's a Wrap!

As my maternity leave and this year comes to a close, I have so much to be thankful for and so much to be emotional about at the same time.

Although this year has blessed us with 12 full months, it is these last 4 that have really meant a lot to me. You know how they say you never stop learning to be a parent? Well, that saying is so true. 

When Elijah was born, I was terrified of being alone with these 2 kids. I had no idea how I would be able to handle a sleepy newborn and a super hyper toddler at the same time. For a while, Anthony and I took one kid at a time - one parent devoting their time and attention to one kid. It seemed to work that way but we couldn't keep it up forever.

Rosalie continued to go to daycare full time while I stayed home and bonded with Elijah. Our time together was great. We got into a good rhythm and he was spoiled rotten by me, sleeping in my arms all day while I Netflixed every show I possibly could. My leave started off great, but I started to feel so guilty - Guilty about sending my 2 year old daughter to a daycare full time while me and her brother sat at home. So after 8 weeks at home with Elijah, we decided to keep Rosalie at home with me as well, only going to preschool 2 half days a week.

I admit, I was scared about how my days would go. I'd no longer be able to sit on my butt all day, let alone have control of the television. And on top of that, we had the daunting task of potty training looming over our heads (that was something we vowed to tackle with her before the year end.) Needless to say, it was quite the adjustment being home alone with the two of them, but it ended up being the time of my life. Now more than ever, I am so sad about returning to work and leaving my babies. Staying home with them for these 4 1/2 months was the best learning experience for me as a parent. I've truly grown to have more patience and better time managent skills. But most of all, this experience has given me a lot more of one very important trait: selflessness.

The more time I spend with my kids, the more I realize how special they are. Rosalie is blossoming into a polite, creative young girl. She mesmerizes me with her singing voice, not only because it's beautiful, but her ability to quickly memorize lyrics is amazing! She is very well spoken and is quite sociable with other children. She is finally potty trained (yay!) and is becoming more and more independent. Her sweet personality is really the cherry on top - the love that she constantly expresses towards me, her dad, and new baby brother is the most adorable thing. Try to take her baby brother away from her and see what happens! She is a natural born protector.

Elijah may have been early but he is hitting all his milestones like a champ and is even cutting a tooth! We always call him "jolly boy" because he is such a squirmy, happy baby and is always wanting to share a smile with you, no matter how tired he is. His laughs and coos are intoxicating, but boy are his cries LOUD. They say you learn your lesson with the first one and you don't spoil your second one as much. So not true! I've spent more time at home with him so he is much more attached to me (and my breast). And since I am not in the mood to crib train, he has been co-sleeping with me since day one. You can really say he is a mama's boy, but I am loving every minute of it.

If anything, this year has made me realize just how fast time flies by. We have many warm and happy memories of 2013: my pregnancy, moving to Chino Hills, Anthony getting a great new job, my sister getting engaged, Elijah's birth, my brother and sister in law's wedding, and all the little events in between that we shared with our beloved friends and family. The Lord has been so good to us and has seen us through the happiest and hardest times this year. It is always so crazy to me how things end up working out. God truly works in mysterious ways.

Heading into 2014, I enter with the constant hope to be a better person than I was the year before. I will try my best to make sure this New Year is filled with more positive memories and will strive to be the best mom and wife that I can possibly can. I am sad that the year and my time at home is ending, but I welcome the new year with open arms. I know there are lots of exciting times ahead, and I am looking forward to all the new experiences coming our way. 

Life is too short. Whatever time I have here on Earth, I just want to spend it loving deeply, trusting God completely, and enjoying myself on the way. 

Well, I guess I'll end this post by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy 2014!! Love and blessings to you all!

Starting the T25 workout

It is almost 2014, I'm going back to work soon, and it has been 4 months since I have birth. I am more ready now than ever to finally lose this baby weight!

It's been a struggle being active because I am home with both the kids by myself during the weekdays and it's so hard to get out of the house with two babies in tow. By the time Anthony gets home, I am exhausted and it is freezing. Until one quiet night, I saw the informercial for Shaun T.'s new workout, Focus T25. Since I loved insanity and saw amazing results from it, I was sold.

It is a 10 week program. 25 minutes a day. 5 days a week. I can totally handle it, right? Well, I'm starting today. And I'm going to follow it to the T, with some modifications to my diet of course to accommodate for my breastfeeding. I'm going to blog my progress every week to hold myself accountable. 

My starting weight is 136. My goal at the end of the program is 125 and to get back to a size 6. I currently have to wear a size 10.

As soon as I am done, I will post progress pictures.

Wish me luck!

So call me crazy

Having 2 kids is chaotic. It's crazy, time

consuming, and requires 100% from you if you want to make sure that your kids are happy, healthy, and loved. I don't know why anyone does it. I applaud all you parents of multiples out there. And I know you can relate with everything I'm about to say.

There are good days but there are bad ones too. We have slowly started to pull Rosalie out of full time daycare to 1) save money and 2) transition her to a real preschool. So now that I'm home with both kids by myself for a majority of the time, I've learned some new tricks and have had to pull out a lot of heavy mommy artillery to manage my days and nights.

My mornings usually start around 6am, and after a night of broken sleep from Elijah's feedings, I haul my butt out of bed to make sure I'm awake by the time Rosalie gets up so Anthony can get ready for work. I feed both kids breakfast and Elijah is usually ready for another nap by 9. And since he doesn't sleep well unless he's being held (I'm working on that, I promise!) I am glued to the couch unless Rosalie wants a snack or a new DVD put in. I get about a 2 hour break when Rosalie takes her nap after lunch (and by break I mean a chance to quickly feed myself and maybe squeeze a DVR'ed tv episode in) but other than that, it's a juggling act between tending to the kids and keeping up with household chores until daddy gets home.

I hear the word "mommy!" about a 1000 times a day from both Rosalie and Anthony, and I pick up after all of them all day to make sure the house isn't a danger zone.  All of this while being a walking restaurant for Elijah. 

Despite all the craziness, I feel so blessed. Yah yah, it's so cliche. But seriously,  for some crazy reason, God thought that I was the appropriate human being to be put in charge of these 2 little people who need me so much. ME. I know there were better candidates out there, but still, he chose me.

Since having a second kid, I've sacrificed so many things. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and because I knew it was right. I've had to sacrifice most of my social life, my body, sleep, shopping for myself, and precious time with my husband. Yes, you do all that the first time around too, but just when you think you're getting some normality back, you have another child and it all goes out the window.

Your heart grows exponentially. Your patience hits new heights. You become so good at multitasking that you are practically a ninja. You get pushed off a cliff.....and then you learn to fly.

There is nowhere I would rather be more than here at home with these two little monsters. Getting Rosalie potty trained felt better than getting an A in any class I've ever taken. Seeing Elijah socially smiling for the first time was like winning the Nobel prize. Watching them grow and knowing that I am taking advantage of my time off work to be with them every single minute of every day is so rewarding and satisfying that I go to bed with a smile knowing that I may not be perfect, but to them, I'm pretty darn great.

I'm not going to lie, there are moments when I want to fall to my knees, look up to the heavens and scream "WHYYYY!!" But then all I have to do is recall all the rewarding experiences that we have had throughout the years and how much we have grown as people because of these kids. That definitely doesn't mean that I'm open to having another kid EVER, but I do have way too much to be thankful for to be sitting here acting like I'm not the happiest I've ever been. 

So even though my life may not seem exciting to you, you'd be surprised how truly amazing it is just to be needed and so very loved by two wonderful little human beings. So call me crazy, but I'm

pretty in love with this chaotic and crazy type of life. But with these two by my side, how could I not be?

A wish for my 27th birthday

I'm laying here on my phone, blogging through my blogger app, as Rosalie chats away to her dolls instead of going to bed. Why? Because it's my 27th birthday today and there is much to say about it!

To be honest, life has been a whirlwind this past year...from relocating, to going through a difficult pregnancy, to the engagements and weddings of our family and friends, and all the little steps in between that have finally gotten me here - to this cold rainy birthday that was filled with spit up and kisses, a princess balloon and pink flowers picked by Rosalie herself, and a cute card from both of my kids thanks to their daddy. And you know what? It's been a great day.

Every year, I wait for the calls to come in, the texts to start one after another, and all the Facebook and Instagram notifications that come in and flood my phone. And not to sound boastful, but I love it. It reminds me of all the people that I've come across through all walks of my life - college, my sorority, family friends, high school peers, old teammates, even people I've known since elementary school - and all the phases that I've gone through to get where I am today. What has made these 27 years really matter to me is all the relationships that I've made and all the lives that I've been able to touch. 

On birthdays past, I've always had an "I want" attitude. This year...I feel complete. Not that I feel like my work here is done, and in no way am I saying that I have reached my life goals, but I've definitely come to a point where most of what I want isn't for me. What I want now is for my kids. For the people I know and love. I want to see people I know finding what makes them happy. (Yes I Facebook stalk...occasionally).

I want to see my kids enjoy life and feel how loved they are. I want to see my husband reach his goals. I want to see people finding salvation and God's love.

I love hearing and seeing about good things happening in the world. It's what drives me to be a better person. It's what I want for this birthday..and every birthday thereafter.

Like the title of this blog says..I feel myself truly evolving. Not just because I got married and had kids, but because year after year, I am truly humbled by my experiences and the constant reminders of how truly blessed I am. 27 years under my belt and it's been amazing. Every year brings more joy and love than I ever imagine. This year, we were blessed with Elijah who completes our family and who I have fallen hopelessly in love with. And now I'm excited to sit back and watch my kids grow and enjoy all the magic that comes with it. I know that there are many exciting things to look forward to..and as always, I'm ready for it. 

From the bottom of my heart ..thank you for being my friend. My family. An acquaintance. Heck, even a frenemy. Thank you for sharing your lives with me and allowing me to do the same.

Anyhoo..Kids are finally snoozing...so you know what that means. Birthday girl - signing out!

Trying to accept myself

Yes, this is a rant. Not a cry for help or a self loathing pity party.

I HATE the way I look and feel right now. I knew that my body after baby number 2 would be different but I did not anticipate how much I would loathe it.

I worked so hard after Rosalie to get my body back to what it was. It took a lot of exercise and motivation to reach my goals but I managed to do it. I told myself that this time around would be the same. That I would hit the gym right when I was done healing. Here I am, 6 weeks later...feeling and looking like I'm still 5 months pregnant.

I started this pregnancy at 126 pounds. I ended at 158. I am currently 140. None of my pre pregnancy clothes fit and shopping for new ones is always a bust. Not even my shoes look right on me since I'm carrying all this new weight in my legs and midsection. I am feeling embarrassed to leave the house, let alone go out and get dressed for a nice occasion. I'm two dress sizes up from what I used to be and I want to delete every picture I take that shows my body from the neck down. Yes, I feel that horrible.

You can think to yourself "What is she talking about? She doesn't even look that bad." But like I said, I'm not fishing for compliments here, this is just the reality of what we normal women face when our body changes so drastically after a pregnancy. It toys with our emotions. It has left me sensitive and self conscious. And with all my new time constraints and the scarcity of rest, let alone sleep, I can't even begin to motivate myself to go the gym.  And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk supply. So it leaves me here. Helpless about the way I feel.

This is kind of a pointless post, but I just needed to vent. I wanted to expose the true nature of what I'm going through now as a mother of two. I love my children to death. They're my world. But you really do give up a lot of yourself to motherhood and physical appearance is just one of the many casualties for me. I know that as the months go by, I'll find a way to feel better about myself and enjoy looking in the mirror again, but for now, this is me. I keep trying to tell myself to give my body
 a break. After all, it did make and sustain two living human beings. But when I stand there surrounded by all my beautiful friends and see all these clothes in my closet that I can't even wear....it's hard not to get sad.

I guess for now all I can do is try to stay healthy and focus on giving my babies the best parts of me. I hope I can eventually reach the point where I am finally feeling like me...but til then, there's always spanks and stretchy pants.

One Week Postpartum

Ever wonder what happens after people go home with their baby? The trend that I usually see with my friends who find out they're expecting is that they post a plethora of "preggo" pics all the way up to the adorable hospital photo where all the newborns get the same ol' hat and blankie to announce that the little one has finally come. For a few months the pictures slow down except for an occasional close up of a sleepy newborn - then BAM! A couple months later they're back at it posting pictures of themselves looking great and happier than ever with a super cute and magically chubby baby by their side (3 months of religiously nursing will do that). Sound familiar?

The first few months of having a newborn are grueling and at the same time very rewarding. This first week for us has had its ups and downs - there are moments when I am so filled with joy and just love soaking in every minute of our family of four. But there are also moments when I'm teetering on the edge of sanity wishing that I could be four places at once. This time around, the balancing act for me has been between Rosalie and Recovery.

Even when we started TRYING for this baby I was scared of how Rosalie would react. The main reason why I wanted another child is because I wanted Rosalie to have a sibling. A playmate for life. Don't get me wrong - she LOVES this baby. She has been so anxious to hold him, kiss him, and hug him. She thinks he's a little doll and wants to take him EVERYWHERE. Even with the littlest noises he makes, she can't help but swoon over his cuteness. At the same time, I can also tell she's dealing with emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. She seems resentful now that our attention is split between the two of them. Sometimes I can't tell if it's all a part of her "terrible twos" or if her temper tantrums have doubled. The other day, she was so upset with me because I wouldn't get up from nursing Elijah to follow her into her bedroom. She didn't want to speak to me and she quietly cried in her bed. I felt SO bad. That topped with an overdose of estrogen and I was sent into a crying fit of my own. "My poor baby", I thought to myself. We've had a few moments like this but I just have to keep telling myself that it takes some serious adjusting from every member of the family when a new baby comes home. And just knowing that Rosalie is going to love life a little more because she has a baby brother to share it with in the future makes me feel just a tad bit better.

Recovery time? Hardly existent. It's definitely been a struggle now that there are two kids in the picture. This time around, I definitely expected the sleepless nights and the half sane days, so that's not what is so bad. What has been difficult for me is dealing with my self image and learning to take it easy. Elijah has been an amazing baby thus far. He eats, sleeps, and poops. Probably all in a 3 hour cycle that just repeats itself so its just a matter of me getting used to his schedule and learning to sleep when he sleeps. I've been so busy trying to accommodate for Rosalie and keeping the house clean for visitors that I haven't really had time to rest. I even tried to fit a little walk in the other day because I am SO anxious to exercise again but I failed miserably and ended up back at home with a sore bottom and a lot of regret. My body has definitely taken it harder this time around - I gained about 32 lbs with this pregnancy and came home from the hospital a mere 11 lbs lighter. I feel and look so different that it's hard not to be a little bummed about it. All I know is that once I hit my 6 week postpartum check up and the doc says its ok, I am definitely going to find time to go to the gym and at least TRY to start feeling like myself again. Trying not to beat myself up about how I look has been a big part of recovery for me...It HAS only been one week so I'm hoping that breastfeeding combined with giving my body the time it needs to heal will help me start feeling better.

Sleepy Newborn Photo #1

Having a baby is euphoric. You leave the hospital feeling like a champ for popping out another human being, but once the fog has lifted, you see that the road to a full recovery (mentally and physically) is full of twists and turns. If you're anything like me, you find yourself up and breastfeeding a fussy baby at 3 o'clock in the morning with sore nipples and a pounding headache trolling online feeds  for other new moms who are just as crazy as you are. But, speaking from experience, it took me about 3 months the first time to feel in tune with my motherhood and finally shake off the baby blues so I expect about the same, if not more, for this one.

Having survived this first week with two kids was quite the experience in many good ways. There are moments when I ask myself why I do the things I do, but I look over and see my loving and supportive husband -  half as exhausted as I am with Rosalie climbing on his back asking him to "crawl faster daddy!" - and then I look down in my arms and see my perfect little Elijah who  is healthy and peacefully sleeping - and then I remember: I truly love this life of mine and it can only get better from here.

Elijah Anthony: His Birth Story

While the details are fresh in my mind, I'd like to share Elijah's birth story with the world. Disclaimer: Graphic details exposed in this VERY long post that has very minimal editing.

It all started Monday night, August 12th, when I woke up in the middle of the night with major cramping in my lower abdomen. Since I've experienced contractions before, I knew that these pains were not contractions because they were not regular and were not radiating throughout my entire midsection like I had experienced before. I was SO worried because I just hit 36 weeks and I did not want to believe that I was in labor, so I slept through the pain. Luckily when I woke up in the morning, I was just fine. Luckily I didn't wake Anthony up and cause him to panic for nothing!

Tuesday morning, I woke up, excited to be on my first day of disability leave from work, and had all these plans for myself. I ran some last minute errands and spent the rest of the day with my sister with lunch and a movie. I DID notice though that my stomach had dropped a few centimeters and the baby was no longer pressing on my ribcage, but was now very heavily pushing on my bladder. I figured that the pains I had the night before were indication that the baby had "dropped". I read up on it through Google (like all paranoid mothers do) and confirmed to myself that I had at least a week or two before baby was here so there was nothing to worry about! Boy, was I wrong.

First Family photo

I woke up on 5:15 on Wednesday morning because I felt a trickling between my legs. I thought to myself "How embarrasing! I think I just wet the bed". I woke up, saw a big puddle of liquid beneath me and got up to go to the bathroom. I absolutely did not think my water broke because like before, I was in denial because it was so early! But when I went to the toilet and saw clear liquid that was tinged with blood, I knew that it was time.

"Babe...My water broke!" With that, Anthony got up and started getting ready for the hospital. Luckily, the hospital bag was MOSTLY packed. I wasn't feeling any pain or contractions yet, so we very calmly called our families, and since we did not want to wake Rosalie, we decided to wait for my Father in Law to come to our apartment and take her back to their house whenever she woke up. When he got there at around 6:00 am, we headed for the hospital.

The 15 minute drive felt like an eternity. I sat there, with a soaked tshirt between my legs and very minimal contractions, worrying myself half to death because I was only 36 weeks and 1 day along. All that went through my mind was "I hope he doesn't have to spend time in the NICU" "I pray that everything checks out okay" "Will everything go smoothly enough to where I can have a natural labor?" Anthony was so great during the whole thing. He kept reassuring me that everything was fine and that God had planned this out for a reason. In the back of my mind, I was also completely bummed that I did not get a week or two of R&R before baby came.

After checking in, the doctor at triage confirmed that my water had ruptured and I was about 3-4 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Depending on how fast I progressed, I could be there from 2 hours to 20 hours. Since it was my 2nd baby, they figured that I would go fast. My contractions were getting pretty strong at this point, but were still quite bearable. I did ask for the epidural as soon as I could get it though because in my mind, the less pain, the better.

They got me admitted and checked into a delivery room probably by 7:30am. The doctor checked  on me and I had dilated to 5-6 cm in just 1 hour. We knew then that it would be fast! My mom, sister, and Anthony were in the room with me and all of us were shocked at how fast I was progressing. We knew the baby would be here probably within the next couple hours.

Big sis celebrating with some "bubbly"

As fast as this labor was going, it definitely felt like a slower pace than my first. Everything was so calmly executed and I really had time to absorb all the details of it. I  was in so much pain with the first one by the time that I got to the hospital that I do not remember much of it at all. This time around, I DID feel the sting of the epidural in my back. I DO remember the catheter and the pain of the doctors checking me every 30 minutes. I WAS able to to notice all the preparation going on around me. It was good, but at the same time, very bad. Lol.

After the epidural kicked in, it was pretty much a waiting game from there. We sat around, they ate breakfast while I starved (lol), and had time to notify our friends and family that I was in labor. I had asked the nurse so many questions about late pre-term babies, I knew she could tell that I was so worried. By the time the doctor came to check on me at 10:25 am, I was fully dilated, and baby's head was already making its way through the birth canal. I asked for a mirror again for the pushing so I can gauge if I was making any progress or not, so even I saw his head peeking through! When they said the words, "time to push" I all of a sudden got nervous because in about 5 minutes, my life would be changed forever and I wasn't sure if it was going to be good or bad.

Spotlights on. Legs in stirrups. Everyone in position. I gave one BIG push and his head was out. "One More!" they said. Deep breath. PUSH. It felt like a wet towel slipping out of my vagina followed by a strong gush of fluid. In my peripheral vision I saw my sister and mom get taken aback with shock. Anthony's eyes lit up and I heard the cries of my son. They lifted him up into my vision and there he was, this perfect little boy, wailing loudly for his mother, beautiful in every single way. He did not get whisked away to the NICU, but instead, was placed in my arms where we locked eyes for the first time and then I knew...Everything was going to be okay and I was in love. So so in love.

He scored 9's on his apgar test and weighed in at 5lbs 11oz and was breathing beautifully. He even had a great sucking reflex which they said was their biggest concern for late preterm babies. I could not stop thanking the Lord for our little blessing because even though it was not in MY plan that he would be here this early, it was his. And regardless about how worried I was, everything turned out wonderful, as it always has.

Fast forward to today: It's so great to be home from the hospital. We spent 48 hours there just to make sure that his health checked out and we were all set to go home. Anthony and I laugh about how funny our 2nd time at the hospital was because we were seasoned veterans at this parenting thing. We remember how the first time we were there with Rosalie, we called the nurse every hour asking how to do something. This time, we really just didn't want to be bothered. But we sincerely do have an appreciation for nurses now because the people who took care of us were just wonderful! (Or maybe we're just biased because many of our friends are in the same field?) Either way, we were so happy to be back in our bed, at home with our 2 kids. Rosalie has her moments of jealousy, but for the most part, is just as in love with her brother as we are.

As for Elijah, he is such an amazing baby. He looks so different to me than his sister does, but they have very similar features, like their lips from their dad. He's such a good baby, hardly ever cries, and is getting used to sleeping in his bed and not being so spoiled like Rosalie was! (Lol, we've learned our lesson). I have had to supplement with formula because his blood sugar was low, so that's kind of a bummer, but I'll save all THOSE details for a later post.

Daddy and Son = <3

Anthony is an AMAZING dad. He is so hands-on with both our kids that it amazes me. I've probably only changed like 2 diapers since Elijah has been born and I am so relieved to have him here with me as my partner. I am just in awe of his demeanor during this entire time and I seriously love and appreciate him so much more everyday (As if that was possible). But no, that doesn't mean I love him enough to have another one of his children...anytime SOON at least ;)

For now, It's time for us to enjoy this newborn phase together as a family and get adjusted to our new chapter in life with baby Elijah. Thank you to all our friends and family for your continued love and support..My heart has grown about 3 times larger already, not just for my babies and husband, but because of all of you as well. From the bottom of our hearts, we are truly thankful to be this blessed and wish nothing but the same for all of our loved ones. This story is DEFINITELY "to be continued".  =D

It's Almost time!

I am just about 34 weeks along and baby's due date is right around the corner. In 6 weeks or less, we are about to be parents of a baby boy. How amazing!

These past few months have been very bittersweet. We are truly enjoying these last weeks with Rosalie as she continues to gain independence and develop more of a personality everyday. I sometimes wonder if all girls go through the "all I want to wear is frilly pink butterflies, flowers, and hearts" phase or if she's just EXTRA girly. I have no idea where she got it from because that is certainly not from me or her dad! My assumption is that she sees all these little princesses on TV and wants to be just like them. Either way, it's quite the debacle getting her dressed every morning because she sometimes takes forever figuring out which "beautiful dress" she wants to wear (she has a closet full!). Oh, and she's already taken the liberty of naming her little brother "Minnie" and is not happy with him being called anything else.

Our Little Princess

This pregnancy definitely started off a little rocky - mostly because I expected it to be so much like my first when it wasn't. My body has handled everything a little differently this time around and although it wasn't as smooth as the first time, I'd say I'm pretty lucky to have been this healthy thus far and mostly complication-free. I can't say that I'm scared to go back to the delivery room - maybe just a little nervous because I haven't worked out ONE BIT during this pregnancy. I mean seriously, besides walking around the mall and Disneyland, that's about all the exercise I've gotten. Last time I was so active and had so much energy that my delivery was a piece of cake. This time, I was a little more restricted because of my back pain and a bit of bleeding that I had to be careful about. I am hopeful though. A lot of moms that I've spoken to have said that 2nd time is always faster, so if my first time was just about 4 hours long, I'm hoping for the best with this one!

As of now, we are completely unprepared for baby. All of our old baby things are still up in storage and the hospital bag is not yet packed. I remember with Rosalie, we were on top of all that by the time I was 30 weeks along. Not that we're any less excited about this baby, but probably because now we know what to expect and Anthony for sure is a pro at building baby furniture. Oh, and the fact that Rosalie's toy collection grows every week doesn't help the cause much. But it's okay, after our baby showers over the next couple weekends (thanks to our wonderful family and friends who pushed us for one even though I didn't want to, love you guys!) I'm sure we'll get on top of it.

My 34 Week Belly

As each day passes, my anxiety about random things gets worse and worse. I don't know if it's a symptom of pregnancy or it's just me, but it feels like every little thing is something to worry about. And I'm not talking about "oh did I leave the kitchen light on"...I'm talking about worrying about the future of this baby and how it's going to change our lives/family once again. I worry about being a working mom and missing time out with my kids. I worry about money too much. I worry about his health - mental and physical. I worry that I will never get my old body back (My issues with my image this time around have been a real drag). All these thoughts just love to bombard my mind at night and if I wasn't so darn tired by the end of the day, surely I'd be losing a lot of sleep over it. Luckily for me, exhaustion always wins.

Anyway, this post could probably continue for quite a while, but I'll stop here. Honestly, this will probably be the last one before the long awaited birth story (yay!). So I just wanted to get on here and write about how things have been going so far. For now, I'll enjoy the remaining date nights that I have with my husband, the one-on-one play dates with my daughter, and will continue to look forward to the big day. Although I have a lot going through my mind, nothing beats the excitement of meeting our special little guy - more so this time because I can finally say "I did it!" (again) and we can begin this amazing new chapter in our lives of being mommy and daddy to our two special blessings.

The Hardest Part....

This morning, the sound of Rosalie's voice penetrated through my ear plugs and I awoke to see her smiling face next to me on my bed.  (Ear plugs? Yes. With a husband and a 60 lb. bulldog that snore simultaneously, I would never be able to sleep without them!) Her daddy must've put her there before he hopped in the shower. Although it was 6:45 in the morning and I had trouble sleeping the night before, I already knew it was going to be a good day.

These last few months are so bittersweet for me. I feel like I'm tightly embracing these remaining days with Rosalie as my only child with all of my might, not for the sake of sadness, but because I know that pretty soon, I will not fill that role as being her favorite play mate anymore.

Last night I had a dream that she was getting married. I couldn't see the lucky guy's face and she just sat there, this beautiful stranger that I faintly recognized. I was still young and looking like my present self and I was giving the welcoming toast for the reception. I only said a few sentences and I wanted to write them in here before I forgot. It went something like this: "Rosalie, when you were growing up, there were times that I'd just stare at you with so much love and awe and think "I can't believe that she is mine." I knew that (insert mystery name here) was the one for you when I caught him one day giving you the same exact look. I'm so happy that you've found each other. Take care of my baby or else her dad will kill you. Cheers!" As you can imagine I woke up with cold sweats and tears in my eyes because the thought of giving my baby away is in no way pleasant! (Although, I think I WILL save that speech for her actual wedding day).

You see, this pregnancy has been hard...REAL hard. It seems like I sailed through my first one with ease and had a delivery that was written only in fairy tales - but not with this baby. The first thing I always get asked is "How's the pregnancy going?" Although I always want to make a sour face and tell them that I'm miserable and in pain, I smile and say, "It's going good!" Occassionally I'll throw in a quip about me being tired as heck, but that's as far as I'll go. But from backaches, to vivid dreams, to strange complications that have had me on pelvic rest, I must agree with those who say that "every pregnancy is different." If this is any implication of days to come, I know that I'm going to have my hands full with this little boy!

Am I scared of giving birth again? Not at all. Am I nervous about juggling 2 children, a career, and staying afloat with finances? A little. But God always provides. But you know what terrifies me to death? The fact that 2 halves of my heart are going to be walking around this Earth and I can't be there to protect them from every little thing that life is going to throw their way.

In reality, the hardest part about being a parent is not spending money or finding time to to still have a social life. The hardest thing about being a parent is dealing with the anxiety and worry that you feel on a daily basis knowing that your most valuable possesssions are not locked safely away in a vault that protects them from hurt, pain, and life in general. Each time you have a child, you send another valuable possession out there into the world and that is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in life.

Every mother goes through the sleepless nights and the tiring days where it feels like every single part of them  is spent and the best you can do is cry a little to relieve some pressure. But every night, that same mother probably goes to bed praying and hoping that they get to wake up again and see their children enjoy another day. I may not love being pregnant at the moment but I know that this is who I was meant to be. I sometimes wish I went to school a little longer or travelled the world a bit, but knowing that I'd have to give up everything I have today to do so..Not a chance. This is the path that God has put me on and as hard as it is sometimes, I would give my life just to know that my kids will always be safe. I found this picture online and I feel like this pretty much sums it up:

(Or daddy)

 

So to all the parents, soon-to-be parents, or anyone who aspires to be a parent one day - I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you are, or are destined to be, somebody's angel.

Preparing to be mom..again.

It's been quite a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then. When I first started this blog, I was newly married and anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child. Now here I am, pregnant with the second, and things this time around couldn't be more different.

2012 was a great year. It was a year where I did some "growing up" and found myself exhausting my social life to the point where I was finally ready to settle down and say "Ok, I'm ready for another baby". I was enjoying having my body back and Rosalie was growing so beautifully that everyone wanted to babysit her for a day or two, which left me with some "me" time. I think I'm at that point now where I've exhausted all of that "me" time and all I ever want these days is "us" time.

It takes a lot of financial and emotional preparation to plan for another baby, but luckily, we were blessed with so much this past year that we were finally able to reach that point. And plus, Rosalie is getting to a point now where all she loves to do is play, play play, so we figured that it was time to give her a more capable playmate.

It didn't happen right away like we had expected it to. It actually took 4 good months to finally get a positive pregnancy test - and although that doesn't sound long to some - it felt like an eternity to me. You really don't realize how scary it is to try to have a baby until you actually TRY to have a baby. Although all the formulas were right, the results were just not there and it got a little discouraging.

Needless to say, when I finally got that positive pregnancy test 2 days after Christmas, it was the best Christmas present EVER. And although we were expecting it in a way, it was still a big surprise when it actually happened. Even now, in my 15th week of pregnancy, I still don't think it has sunk in. I still can't believe that God has chosen us to bring TWO tiny humans into this world. It's such a huge responsibility, but nothing short of an amazing blessing for us.

Unlike my first pregnancy,  I definitely feel the effects of this one. I was so sick up until a couple weeks ago that I could hardly hold anything down. My food aversions were stronger than ever and I was so fatigued that I was in bed everyday by 9pm. It is also different this time around because instead of going home and lounging around, I have to be up and about playing with Rosalie and preparing dinner, her bath, etc. It was really exhausting for the first couple months that I hardly got to enjoy the "glow" that comes with being pregnant.

Emotionally, I'm a lot better this time around. I'm not giving myself anxiety everyday by worrying about this baby's health - partly because I know what to expect for the next 9 months and also because I trust in God's will for us. Although, I do have a lot of other emotions that I didn't feel the first time around. I feel like time is going by much faster with this pregnancy because I'm trying to savor all the moments that I have left with Rosalie.  In a way, I fear that there is not enough room in my heart because I am SO in love with her. It feels a little selfish, but I am sad that I won't be able to  dedicate 100% of my time and attention to her anymore - even though I know that having a sibling will benefit her so much as time goes on.

In the end of it all, I really am so excited for the next 5 months to fly by. I can't wait to hear the words "one last push" because I know that all that will follow is that euphoric feeling of falling in love all over again. I am highly anticipating the upcoming gender appointment next month, and the excitement of choosing a name that comes with it. It's the beginning of a beautiful new journey for us and at this very moment, I couldn't be happier.

On that note - I really am excited to be writing in this blog again and I can't wait to write about my new experiences with being a mom for the second time around. I've been feeling a little guilty lately because I haven't been documenting this pregnancy as much as I did the first one - but hopefully there will be a lot more posts to come.