I know what you're thinking. "What? How can this mother of 2 beautiful children that is married and is so blessed with all these things suffer from depression?" I wish I knew the answer to that question. Believe me, most times, I am just as confused as you...but I can honestly say that I have struggled with depression since adolescence. You may not understand the term. You may see it as something that can be controlled. Something that is a choice. Something I can turn on and off..but it's not.
During my teenage years, I noticed that it was hard to stay happy. I always found myself stuck in my own thoughts..thinking about morbidly sad things and all the worst case scenarios of every possible situation. I would often shake myself out of it but the thoughts never seemed to completely go away. I would sometimes get so lost in this negativity that I'd find myself crying so hard that it was difficult to get a grip back on reality. I was always anxious and worried and was never satisfied by my own appearance. At such a young age, it was so hard to overcome this unexplained sadness.
Everyone knows that puberty is no easy task, especially for young girls. I was definitely not equipped to deal with these feelings and it got really bad at one point. Needless to say, it's not something that I talk about often or share with complete strangers but it has made me who I am today and without this story, I would not be complete.
As the years have gone by, I've gained the resources that I've needed to subdue the feelings for the most part - counseling and medication didn't work. What did work for me was submersing myself in books and movies - in alternate realities that helped me to crowd out those overbearing thoughts. I surrounded myself with people and did what I could to hide my insecurities and sadness. I avoided having idle hands by participating in whatever extracurricular activities that I could. I have gained a support system of close loved ones that has helped me through the toughest of times.
But there's another thing I've learned about myself through all this - I am a fighter. 80% of me is a happy, normal, grateful person. But there is still that 20% that exists...that ugly, sad, anxious person that loves to feed off of my insecurities and worries. But it's that bigger part of me that has allowed me to move on in life. It has allowed me to make an amazing life for myself. It has allowed me to make great relationships with people that truly love me. It is the stronger part of me that refused to let that 20% ever win.
It makes life a harder for me, but no, I am not sad about it. I am thankful that God gave me this battle. It has made me...me. I would have never developed the skills to write my stories if I didn't love to read so much. I would've never appreciated life as much as I do if I almost didn't lose it. It has driven me to look for answers - which has led me right to into the arms of a loving and forgiving God. Sometimes, even today, there are moments when it takes everything in me to fight off that mini, evil, Ria and it's scary as hell.
Even though having it is not a choice, I am choosing to fight it - with all that I have and all that I am. I choose to fight it for the sake of my children and everyone who loves me. I will fight it because every battle that I win makes me a stronger person. I choose to fight it because the joy of the Lord is my strength.
If you understand what I'm talking about, if you know how it feels to have a battle within your mind all the time- then you would know how truly difficult it is sometimes to just get through the day. I know that the first step to finally beating it is to learn how to look at the glass half full and admitting that I need help sometimes. I know I have a lot of people who love and support me..I just need to let myself receive that love with open arms. I have to find the joy in the little things - every breath that my kids take, every day that I get to feel the sun on my face, every day that that I am sheltered, clothed, and fed, every happy moment with my husband. I have to remember to reach for the joy that is all around me and not focus on the dissappointments and worries of life.
This post has been sitting in my "drafts" section for the longest time. I didn't know if I would have the courage to post it, if I could handle being judged. But someting inside of me told me to. No, it's not a cry for help or a ruse for attention. Mostly, it's just me admitting that I'm scared sometimes..and to remind myself that I'm not alone. I'm sure there are many other people out there who find themselves desperately searching for joy and I just wanted to put it out there that even the "luckiest" of us struggle sometimes.
We can choose to look as life as a task, or we can choose to look as it as a blessing. Yes, we face disappointments and struggle - but are you going to let the disappointments define you? Or are you going to push through and come out stronger on the other end? Although we may not always have the will to fight, maybe sometimes all we need is that helping hand to pull us through the darkness. Maybe all we need is that one person to relate to us or to remind us of our joy. So just remember - no matter what you're going through - just smile and be kind. Offer your support and prayers to those who show sadness or dissapointment - whether you can see it on their face or even just through social media. We don't know each other's battles - but we can definitely still make a difference in the smallest of ways.
This post has been sitting in my "drafts" section for the longest time. I didn't know if I would have the courage to post it, if I could handle being judged. But someting inside of me told me to. No, it's not a cry for help or a ruse for attention. Mostly, it's just me admitting that I'm scared sometimes..and to remind myself that I'm not alone. I'm sure there are many other people out there who find themselves desperately searching for joy and I just wanted to put it out there that even the "luckiest" of us struggle sometimes.
We can choose to look as life as a task, or we can choose to look as it as a blessing. Yes, we face disappointments and struggle - but are you going to let the disappointments define you? Or are you going to push through and come out stronger on the other end? Although we may not always have the will to fight, maybe sometimes all we need is that helping hand to pull us through the darkness. Maybe all we need is that one person to relate to us or to remind us of our joy. So just remember - no matter what you're going through - just smile and be kind. Offer your support and prayers to those who show sadness or dissapointment - whether you can see it on their face or even just through social media. We don't know each other's battles - but we can definitely still make a difference in the smallest of ways.
