These last few months are so bittersweet for me. I feel like I'm tightly embracing these remaining days with Rosalie as my only child with all of my might, not for the sake of sadness, but because I know that pretty soon, I will not fill that role as being her favorite play mate anymore.
Last night I had a dream that she was getting married. I couldn't see the lucky guy's face and she just sat there, this beautiful stranger that I faintly recognized. I was still young and looking like my present self and I was giving the welcoming toast for the reception. I only said a few sentences and I wanted to write them in here before I forgot. It went something like this: "Rosalie, when you were growing up, there were times that I'd just stare at you with so much love and awe and think "I can't believe that she is mine." I knew that (insert mystery name here) was the one for you when I caught him one day giving you the same exact look. I'm so happy that you've found each other. Take care of my baby or else her dad will kill you. Cheers!" As you can imagine I woke up with cold sweats and tears in my eyes because the thought of giving my baby away is in no way pleasant! (Although, I think I WILL save that speech for her actual wedding day).
You see, this pregnancy has been hard...REAL hard. It seems like I sailed through my first one with ease and had a delivery that was written only in fairy tales - but not with this baby. The first thing I always get asked is "How's the pregnancy going?" Although I always want to make a sour face and tell them that I'm miserable and in pain, I smile and say, "It's going good!" Occassionally I'll throw in a quip about me being tired as heck, but that's as far as I'll go. But from backaches, to vivid dreams, to strange complications that have had me on pelvic rest, I must agree with those who say that "every pregnancy is different." If this is any implication of days to come, I know that I'm going to have my hands full with this little boy!
Am I scared of giving birth again? Not at all. Am I nervous about juggling 2 children, a career, and staying afloat with finances? A little. But God always provides. But you know what terrifies me to death? The fact that 2 halves of my heart are going to be walking around this Earth and I can't be there to protect them from every little thing that life is going to throw their way.
In reality, the hardest part about being a parent is not spending money or finding time to to still have a social life. The hardest thing about being a parent is dealing with the anxiety and worry that you feel on a daily basis knowing that your most valuable possesssions are not locked safely away in a vault that protects them from hurt, pain, and life in general. Each time you have a child, you send another valuable possession out there into the world and that is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in life.
Every mother goes through the sleepless nights and the tiring days where it feels like every single part of them is spent and the best you can do is cry a little to relieve some pressure. But every night, that same mother probably goes to bed praying and hoping that they get to wake up again and see their children enjoy another day. I may not love being pregnant at the moment but I know that this is who I was meant to be. I sometimes wish I went to school a little longer or travelled the world a bit, but knowing that I'd have to give up everything I have today to do so..Not a chance. This is the path that God has put me on and as hard as it is sometimes, I would give my life just to know that my kids will always be safe. I found this picture online and I feel like this pretty much sums it up:
(Or daddy)
So to all the parents, soon-to-be parents, or anyone who aspires to be a parent one day - I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you are, or are destined to be, somebody's angel.
