Finding Joy

This is real. It's honest and scary to put it out there. But I am going to make a confession that I've never really said out loud or openly talked about with anyone, but I'm going to say it here: I struggle with depression.

I know what you're thinking. "What? How can this mother of 2 beautiful children that is married and is so blessed with all these things suffer from depression?" I wish I knew the answer to that question. Believe me, most times, I am just as confused as you...but I can honestly say that I have struggled with depression since adolescence. You may not understand the term. You may see it as something that can be controlled. Something that is a choice. Something I can turn on and off..but it's not.

During my teenage years, I noticed that it was hard to stay happy. I always found myself stuck in my own thoughts..thinking about morbidly sad things and all the worst case scenarios of every possible situation. I would often shake myself out of it but the thoughts never seemed to completely go away. I would sometimes get so lost in this negativity that I'd find myself crying so hard that it was difficult to get a grip back on reality. I was always anxious and worried and was never satisfied by my own appearance. At such a young age, it was so hard to overcome this unexplained sadness.

Everyone knows that puberty is no easy task, especially for young girls. I was definitely not equipped to deal with these feelings and it got really bad at one point. Needless to say, it's not something that I talk about often or share with complete strangers but it has made me who I am today and without this story, I would not be complete.

As the years have gone by, I've gained the resources that I've needed to subdue the feelings for the most part - counseling and medication didn't work. What did work for me was submersing myself in books and movies - in alternate realities that helped me to crowd out those overbearing thoughts. I surrounded myself with people and did what I could to hide my insecurities and sadness. I avoided having idle hands by participating in whatever extracurricular activities that I could. I have gained a support system of close loved ones that has helped me through the toughest of times.

But there's another thing I've learned about myself through all this - I am a fighter. 80% of me is a happy, normal, grateful person. But there is still that 20% that exists...that ugly, sad, anxious person that loves to feed off of my insecurities and worries. But it's that bigger part of me that has allowed me to move on in life. It has allowed me to make an amazing life for myself. It has allowed me to make great relationships with people that truly love me. It is the stronger part of me that refused to let that 20% ever win.

It makes life a harder for me, but no, I am not sad about it. I am thankful that God gave me this battle. It has made me...me. I would have never developed the skills to write my stories if I didn't love to read so much. I would've never appreciated life as much as I do if I almost didn't lose it. It has driven me to look for answers - which has led me right to into the arms of a loving and forgiving God. Sometimes, even today, there are moments when it takes everything in me to fight off that mini, evil, Ria and it's scary as hell.

Even though having it is not a choice,  I am choosing to fight it - with all that I have and all that I am. I choose to fight it for the sake of my children and everyone who loves me. I will fight it because every battle that I win makes me a stronger person. I choose to fight it because the joy of the Lord is my strength.

If you understand what I'm talking about, if you know how it feels to have a battle within your mind all the time- then you would know how truly difficult it is sometimes to  just get through the day. I know that the first step to finally beating it is to learn how to look at the glass half full and admitting that I need help sometimes. I know I have a lot of people who love and support me..I just need to let myself receive that love with open arms. I have to find the joy in the little things - every breath that my kids take, every day that I get to feel the sun on my face, every day that that I am sheltered, clothed, and fed, every happy moment with my husband. I have to remember to reach for the joy that is all around me and not focus on the dissappointments and worries of life.

This post has been sitting in my "drafts" section for the longest time. I didn't know if I would have the courage to post it, if I could handle being judged. But someting inside of me told me to. No, it's not a cry for help or a ruse for attention. Mostly, it's just me admitting that I'm scared sometimes..and to remind myself that I'm not alone. I'm sure there are many other people out there who find themselves desperately searching for joy and I just wanted to put it out there that even the "luckiest" of us struggle sometimes.

We can choose to look as life as a task, or we can choose to look as it as a blessing. Yes, we face disappointments and struggle - but are you going to let the disappointments define you? Or are you going to push through and come out stronger on the other end? Although we may not always have the will to fight, maybe sometimes all we need is that helping hand to pull us through the darkness. Maybe all we need is that one person to relate to us or to remind us of our joy. So just remember - no matter what you're going through - just smile and be kind. Offer your support and prayers to those who show sadness or dissapointment - whether you can see it on their face or even just through social media. We don't know each other's battles - but we can definitely still make a difference in the smallest of ways.

Living a Thankful Life

Sometimes I feel as if I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am such an anxious person, worrisome of my own fears, and there are some nights that it eats me alive. What do I worry about? Everything and anything. Random things. Cancer. Ebola. Natural disasters. Things that can hurt the people that I love. I sit on my phone at night and I read the news. I cry about stories of suffering children and missing loved ones. I fear the rapists and the child abusers that were caught just one city away. Like I said....The weight of the world.

I always pray and ask God to take this weight off my shoulders. Sometimes I feel as if he and I are constantly fighting for the driver's seat of MY life...I always have trouble sitting back and relinquishing control. For years I've known that a good believer does not worry so much, but then why was I never able to shake off all of these worries that bombarded my thoughts?

I really just wanted to share this miraculous story of how God answered my prayers, in the strangest but most glorious of ways. Weeks before my birthday, I had been worrying myself to death about my kids getting sick with all of these strange diseases going around. I was always thinking about what bills were due and when. I was starting to feel the stress of our mortgage hitting our checkbooks. All of this put me on edge and made it hard for me to sleep at night.

The day before my birthday, I got into a bad car accident and totaled our Highlander. I was devastated. God KNEW that I was already struggling with bills. He KNEW I had enough worries on my plate. WHY would he let me go through something like this? Sure, I had only walked away with a few bruised ribs and some very sore muscles , but why would he let me experience something so terrible right before my birthday?  Why couldn't I have avoided that accident altogether? I was broken.

The weeks following my accident were emotional for me. I was bombarded with calls and letters from my insurance and the insurance of those involved, forcing myself to relive that moment over and over again. What were we going to do about a new car? A new car payment was the last thing that I wanted to be added to my burdens. I was heavy in my own sorrow but continued to pray for the strength to take blame for this and to "roll with the punches" since there was not much I could do about it now. We just waited for the dust to settle, and just hoped to get close to Blue Book value for our car to be able to afford a new one.

Then, we got the call from our insurance. It was nothing short a of a miracle. We were getting about $9,000 more dollars than we had hoped for from our totaled car. I was in shock. Not only was this a blessing in itself because we wouldn't have to worry about the burden of paying for a new SUV, but $9,000 was exactly the amount of money that we needed to pay off the debt we had acquired since buying our house. My mind was blown. I was in complete shock. How could something like this fall so perfectly into place? How could I, so lacking in faith and so obsessed with having control of my own life, receive a blessing such as this? God not only answered my prayers, but far surpassed anything that I could have ever imagined.

Here I was, so busy worrying about tomorrow and what the future would bring, that I was forgetting to enjoy the now. My car accident could've been a lot worse. I could've been seriously hurt or even killed. But I wasn't. I was only given what I could handle...And although I groaned and moaned about the situation even as I prayed, God never stopped listening. He had a plan for me all along. He used the accident to open my eyes..to stop worrying so much about what I can't control. How can I be so worried about catching the Ebola virus that I missed the fact that I could die in a split second just driving home from work? Seems so silly, doesn't it?

I know that as a parent, we can't protect our children or ourselves from everything. This incident has really reminded me to count my blessings each and everyday and to never rely on myself, but to always trust in the plans that the Lord has for us. Just because I pray and I believe, doesn't mean that me or my loved ones won't ever suffer the pain and sorrows of this world. But it does mean that I will never ever have to go through it alone. It reminded me that sitting in the driver's seat all by myself is a very lonely place to be, but being the passenger of a vehicle that is driven by the most loving and generous creator is a much better position to be in.

I thought this was the perfect post just in time for Thanksgiving. It encouraged me to just examine my life, to pay attention to my thoughts and words, and see how much thanksgiving I express on the daily. Do I murmur and complain about things all the time, or am I thankful? Since then, I've been trying to focus all of my energy on just being thankful instead of worrying so much or constantly asking for more. If you want to challenge yourself, just try to get through an entire day without uttering one word of complaint. It's hard. Really hard! But just keep trying to develop an attitude of thanksgiving in every situation and watch as your intimacy with God increases and he pours out more blessings than ever before.

So, if you're a worrisome individual just like me, or experiencing a tough obstacle in life, just remember that things will always be okay in the end...And if it's not okay, then it's not the end yet. Be thankful for everything that you have and never let the worries of tomorrow strip you of the happiness of today. Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving and hug your loved ones extra tight!!

The Journey Home

After almost 5 years of marriage and 2 kids later, we have finally been blessed with a home. I know this may be a small thing for some people, but for some reason, it feels like an enormous milestone for us - maybe because it has taken so much to get here and it has been a dream of ours that has always felt so far away. The journey here wasn't easy, but we finally made it!

Since the day that we started planning our future together, a house was always in the cards, but things kept happening in our lives that would always discourage us making it seem like getting a home would be impossible. Instead of enjoying our first few years of marriage and saving a down payment for the home, we had kids right away and they definitely took up most of our time and monetary resources. Whenever we would try to pull ourselves out of debt and save money, the "unexpected" expenses would pile up and we had to put the goal of having a home on the backburner several times. It wasn't until we had Elijah that we realized we needed more than just a two bedroom apartment - we needed a home.

Throughout the years, we've made so many life changing decisions. In 5 years of marriage, we have moved 4 times, each time a more taxing experience. And even though we've never really settled in a place for more than 18 months at a time, it feels like each time we gained more and more stuff to move. When the rent at our apartment got raised so high, we started to put some serious thought into buying a home. That was a very tough decision to make this year - To move away from our comfort zone and put ourselves out there to look for a house with not a very big budget OR stay in an apartment and keep renting comfortably until we could afford a nicer house with a bigger budget (which could have taken another 2 to 4 years).

It's crossroads like these that really test the bounds of your partnership with your spouse, and you'd better believe we weren't always on the same page. But somehow, we got led onto the roller coaster ride that is the current housing market which is definitely much more seller friendly than we would have liked. We started off looking in areas that we didn't LOVE but could get more bang for our buck. With kids, there is so much more to consider - school district, safety, babysitter situation, space for toys, etc. Occasionally, we would casually venture into the more expensive parts of town for homes that were great deals, but would often get our hopes crushed when we were outbid by the much more qualified competition.

Needless to say, it was four months of very active looking and the drawing up of what seemed like endless amounts of papers to be signed until we finally came across the one. We wanted to take a break from looking for a while until this home came up on the listings and we just HAD to see this one last house. We loved it from the moment we saw it - it was in the better area of town, had the most square footage out of anything we saw and could afford, and although it needed some TLC, had so much potential. It was a foreclosed home and according to the seller, it had a not-so-hefty price tag because of the jungle of a backyard that it had, which wasn't really a big deal to us.

So we made an offer, and to our surprise, it was accepted a couple days later. It was a wave of shock that one of our offers was finally accepted, let alone for  a home that we really loved! Long story short, we  were scared, excited and nervous all at once. We fell out of escrow for a little bit because of some repairs that were not addressed - but after some negotiations and much thought on our part, the house officially was ours on August 6th.

With some extra cash, a good contractor, and a little bit of elbow grease, we have fixed up this home from being a neglected foreclosure, to the starter home of our dreams. I am so humbled and happy about this huge blessing that has been given to us, especially because we never thought it to be possible. If you would have told me back in March that I was going to own THIS home in a few short months, I probably would've laughed it off and yelled at you for being so cruel. But here we are. It may not be the biggest or newest home in a popular city, but to us, it is such a big achievement. It hasn't quite settled in yet because we haven't officially started living there, but after seeing my bank account, I am reminded that it is very real. Lol!

Lastly, I just want to say that none of this would've been possible without the help of my very loving and generous in-laws. They've invested so much in our family and I hope they know that the happiness they've given us is priceless! Thank you to my parents who have opened up their home for us to live in while we saved money and looked for a home. And of course, thank you also to our realtor, my Tita Winnie, who guided us through the whole process with patience (And our loan officer, Rufina, too!) So if you're looking for a good team to help you with your next home, hit me up for their information.

It's been quite the journey for Anthony and I. We have definitely never disagreed as much as we have until we started looking for a house - but through lots of prayer and somewhat rational discussion, we have always managed to navigate ourselves to some common ground. And NOW, we're both learning the ropes of homeownership. (Thank goodness for my dad and my grandpa who are always there to help teach Anthony the basics of keeping your house functioning). There's nothing more attractive than a guy who can assemble furniture, ignite a pilot light, and entertain a toddler at the same time!

Well, without further adieu, here are some before and after photos of our lovely new abode!

This is what it looked like when we first bought it...Everything was brown and gold! The kitchen had formica countertops, and the flooring was all carpet and vinyl. Also, all of the cabinets were flimsy and were lined with disgusting old wallpaper.

 

Here is our backyard before and after clean up. We had a huge pile of debris on the side of the house..literally like 3 feet high and weeds growing everywhere.

Here are some of the AFTER photos - new apron sink, quartz countertops downstairs and all granite upstairs. All the cabinets have been replaced, the fireplace painted, bathtubs reglazed, and all flooring replaced with laminate wood all around and tile in the bathrooms.

More after photos - Added shutters, changed all the lighting fixtures from gold to brushed nickel, changed the old fluorescent lighting in the kitchen to recessed bulbs, knocked down a cabinet and put pendant lighting in the kitchen, and changed all the baseboards.
 

 

Who is this man that I married?

Our 4 year wedding anniversary is in a few days. And you know what I've realized in this past year? I married a complete stranger.

As naïve, young adults, we like to think that we are marrying a person that we know inside and out; that we know everything there is to know about each other - and that makes us a perfect fit. But over the past years I've come to learn that this notion is completely false. Although we take the time to date, to get to know each other's personalities, to remember every blemish and beauty mark on each other's faces, you still end up marrying a complete stranger.

Marriage isn't easy. Over the past year, we've had our ups and downs and have been challenged from all different directions. Having a second baby, we struggled to find a routine and adjust our lives accordingly. We find it difficult sometimes to have some quiet moments together, because plopping down on the couch to finally get a chance to go through our social media newsfeeds at the end of the day really isn't considered "quality time". But some days - that's really all the energy we have left to do.

We've also had to make a lot of really tough decisions lately and find ourselves arguing our points to each other so intensely that it turns into a giant meltdown. Some days, we rely on each other too little or too much and it makes it difficult to keep ourselves sane. We've been through so much and there is so much still ahead of us that it's gonna take a lot of faith and compromise to get through it.

.....Like I said. Marriage isn't easy.

So what did I mean when I said I married a complete stranger? Well. I've learned that yes, I married a man that I was completely in love with when I was 23 years old. But marriage changes you. Kids change you. Jobs change you. Trials and tribulations change you. Aging changes you. You come to discover that getting to know the depths of someone's heart takes years. But that's the nature of marriage - it's a relationship so intimate and challenging that it really takes true, unconditional love to make that journey together.

There's a quote by a man named Stanley Hauerwas defining a successful marriage as "learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married." What does he mean? Simply put, I think it's important to understand that  marriage is not the finish line to where we instantly know and fully understand our spouse. It's a commitment to a lifetime of growing and changing across the years together. Everything that Anthony and I have been going through is shaping and defining our relationship - every good moment, every bad moment, and every decision that we've made. But through it all, our love for each other remains unscathed.

Not every year will I say that the year was perfect and I love him more than ever. But like I've always said - I'm all about being real when it comes to my posts. But one thing is for sure - I wouldn't have made it in this journey with anyone else. Through it all, I've come to realize that Anthony is my soul mate. He balances me out when I'm feeling a little crazy, and he reels me back in when I feel like pulling away. He always recognizes his faults and his commitment to me and his children is unwavering. And because of that, I know that he is forever mine and I am forever his.

Marriage is not a finished statue. It is merely a block of marble from which your perfect spouse will emerge. So if you commit to loving one another and helping each other grow while keeping God in the center of your relationship, in the end, you'll find a masterpiece.

So to my darling husband -

Happy 4 year Anniversary, my love. There's nobody in the world that I'd rather quarrel with, make up with, and grow old with than you. xoxo

2013: That's a Wrap!

As my maternity leave and this year comes to a close, I have so much to be thankful for and so much to be emotional about at the same time.

Although this year has blessed us with 12 full months, it is these last 4 that have really meant a lot to me. You know how they say you never stop learning to be a parent? Well, that saying is so true. 

When Elijah was born, I was terrified of being alone with these 2 kids. I had no idea how I would be able to handle a sleepy newborn and a super hyper toddler at the same time. For a while, Anthony and I took one kid at a time - one parent devoting their time and attention to one kid. It seemed to work that way but we couldn't keep it up forever.

Rosalie continued to go to daycare full time while I stayed home and bonded with Elijah. Our time together was great. We got into a good rhythm and he was spoiled rotten by me, sleeping in my arms all day while I Netflixed every show I possibly could. My leave started off great, but I started to feel so guilty - Guilty about sending my 2 year old daughter to a daycare full time while me and her brother sat at home. So after 8 weeks at home with Elijah, we decided to keep Rosalie at home with me as well, only going to preschool 2 half days a week.

I admit, I was scared about how my days would go. I'd no longer be able to sit on my butt all day, let alone have control of the television. And on top of that, we had the daunting task of potty training looming over our heads (that was something we vowed to tackle with her before the year end.) Needless to say, it was quite the adjustment being home alone with the two of them, but it ended up being the time of my life. Now more than ever, I am so sad about returning to work and leaving my babies. Staying home with them for these 4 1/2 months was the best learning experience for me as a parent. I've truly grown to have more patience and better time managent skills. But most of all, this experience has given me a lot more of one very important trait: selflessness.

The more time I spend with my kids, the more I realize how special they are. Rosalie is blossoming into a polite, creative young girl. She mesmerizes me with her singing voice, not only because it's beautiful, but her ability to quickly memorize lyrics is amazing! She is very well spoken and is quite sociable with other children. She is finally potty trained (yay!) and is becoming more and more independent. Her sweet personality is really the cherry on top - the love that she constantly expresses towards me, her dad, and new baby brother is the most adorable thing. Try to take her baby brother away from her and see what happens! She is a natural born protector.

Elijah may have been early but he is hitting all his milestones like a champ and is even cutting a tooth! We always call him "jolly boy" because he is such a squirmy, happy baby and is always wanting to share a smile with you, no matter how tired he is. His laughs and coos are intoxicating, but boy are his cries LOUD. They say you learn your lesson with the first one and you don't spoil your second one as much. So not true! I've spent more time at home with him so he is much more attached to me (and my breast). And since I am not in the mood to crib train, he has been co-sleeping with me since day one. You can really say he is a mama's boy, but I am loving every minute of it.

If anything, this year has made me realize just how fast time flies by. We have many warm and happy memories of 2013: my pregnancy, moving to Chino Hills, Anthony getting a great new job, my sister getting engaged, Elijah's birth, my brother and sister in law's wedding, and all the little events in between that we shared with our beloved friends and family. The Lord has been so good to us and has seen us through the happiest and hardest times this year. It is always so crazy to me how things end up working out. God truly works in mysterious ways.

Heading into 2014, I enter with the constant hope to be a better person than I was the year before. I will try my best to make sure this New Year is filled with more positive memories and will strive to be the best mom and wife that I can possibly can. I am sad that the year and my time at home is ending, but I welcome the new year with open arms. I know there are lots of exciting times ahead, and I am looking forward to all the new experiences coming our way. 

Life is too short. Whatever time I have here on Earth, I just want to spend it loving deeply, trusting God completely, and enjoying myself on the way. 

Well, I guess I'll end this post by wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas and a happy 2014!! Love and blessings to you all!

Starting the T25 workout

It is almost 2014, I'm going back to work soon, and it has been 4 months since I have birth. I am more ready now than ever to finally lose this baby weight!

It's been a struggle being active because I am home with both the kids by myself during the weekdays and it's so hard to get out of the house with two babies in tow. By the time Anthony gets home, I am exhausted and it is freezing. Until one quiet night, I saw the informercial for Shaun T.'s new workout, Focus T25. Since I loved insanity and saw amazing results from it, I was sold.

It is a 10 week program. 25 minutes a day. 5 days a week. I can totally handle it, right? Well, I'm starting today. And I'm going to follow it to the T, with some modifications to my diet of course to accommodate for my breastfeeding. I'm going to blog my progress every week to hold myself accountable. 

My starting weight is 136. My goal at the end of the program is 125 and to get back to a size 6. I currently have to wear a size 10.

As soon as I am done, I will post progress pictures.

Wish me luck!

So call me crazy

Having 2 kids is chaotic. It's crazy, time

consuming, and requires 100% from you if you want to make sure that your kids are happy, healthy, and loved. I don't know why anyone does it. I applaud all you parents of multiples out there. And I know you can relate with everything I'm about to say.

There are good days but there are bad ones too. We have slowly started to pull Rosalie out of full time daycare to 1) save money and 2) transition her to a real preschool. So now that I'm home with both kids by myself for a majority of the time, I've learned some new tricks and have had to pull out a lot of heavy mommy artillery to manage my days and nights.

My mornings usually start around 6am, and after a night of broken sleep from Elijah's feedings, I haul my butt out of bed to make sure I'm awake by the time Rosalie gets up so Anthony can get ready for work. I feed both kids breakfast and Elijah is usually ready for another nap by 9. And since he doesn't sleep well unless he's being held (I'm working on that, I promise!) I am glued to the couch unless Rosalie wants a snack or a new DVD put in. I get about a 2 hour break when Rosalie takes her nap after lunch (and by break I mean a chance to quickly feed myself and maybe squeeze a DVR'ed tv episode in) but other than that, it's a juggling act between tending to the kids and keeping up with household chores until daddy gets home.

I hear the word "mommy!" about a 1000 times a day from both Rosalie and Anthony, and I pick up after all of them all day to make sure the house isn't a danger zone.  All of this while being a walking restaurant for Elijah. 

Despite all the craziness, I feel so blessed. Yah yah, it's so cliche. But seriously,  for some crazy reason, God thought that I was the appropriate human being to be put in charge of these 2 little people who need me so much. ME. I know there were better candidates out there, but still, he chose me.

Since having a second kid, I've sacrificed so many things. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and because I knew it was right. I've had to sacrifice most of my social life, my body, sleep, shopping for myself, and precious time with my husband. Yes, you do all that the first time around too, but just when you think you're getting some normality back, you have another child and it all goes out the window.

Your heart grows exponentially. Your patience hits new heights. You become so good at multitasking that you are practically a ninja. You get pushed off a cliff.....and then you learn to fly.

There is nowhere I would rather be more than here at home with these two little monsters. Getting Rosalie potty trained felt better than getting an A in any class I've ever taken. Seeing Elijah socially smiling for the first time was like winning the Nobel prize. Watching them grow and knowing that I am taking advantage of my time off work to be with them every single minute of every day is so rewarding and satisfying that I go to bed with a smile knowing that I may not be perfect, but to them, I'm pretty darn great.

I'm not going to lie, there are moments when I want to fall to my knees, look up to the heavens and scream "WHYYYY!!" But then all I have to do is recall all the rewarding experiences that we have had throughout the years and how much we have grown as people because of these kids. That definitely doesn't mean that I'm open to having another kid EVER, but I do have way too much to be thankful for to be sitting here acting like I'm not the happiest I've ever been. 

So even though my life may not seem exciting to you, you'd be surprised how truly amazing it is just to be needed and so very loved by two wonderful little human beings. So call me crazy, but I'm

pretty in love with this chaotic and crazy type of life. But with these two by my side, how could I not be?

A wish for my 27th birthday

I'm laying here on my phone, blogging through my blogger app, as Rosalie chats away to her dolls instead of going to bed. Why? Because it's my 27th birthday today and there is much to say about it!

To be honest, life has been a whirlwind this past year...from relocating, to going through a difficult pregnancy, to the engagements and weddings of our family and friends, and all the little steps in between that have finally gotten me here - to this cold rainy birthday that was filled with spit up and kisses, a princess balloon and pink flowers picked by Rosalie herself, and a cute card from both of my kids thanks to their daddy. And you know what? It's been a great day.

Every year, I wait for the calls to come in, the texts to start one after another, and all the Facebook and Instagram notifications that come in and flood my phone. And not to sound boastful, but I love it. It reminds me of all the people that I've come across through all walks of my life - college, my sorority, family friends, high school peers, old teammates, even people I've known since elementary school - and all the phases that I've gone through to get where I am today. What has made these 27 years really matter to me is all the relationships that I've made and all the lives that I've been able to touch. 

On birthdays past, I've always had an "I want" attitude. This year...I feel complete. Not that I feel like my work here is done, and in no way am I saying that I have reached my life goals, but I've definitely come to a point where most of what I want isn't for me. What I want now is for my kids. For the people I know and love. I want to see people I know finding what makes them happy. (Yes I Facebook stalk...occasionally).

I want to see my kids enjoy life and feel how loved they are. I want to see my husband reach his goals. I want to see people finding salvation and God's love.

I love hearing and seeing about good things happening in the world. It's what drives me to be a better person. It's what I want for this birthday..and every birthday thereafter.

Like the title of this blog says..I feel myself truly evolving. Not just because I got married and had kids, but because year after year, I am truly humbled by my experiences and the constant reminders of how truly blessed I am. 27 years under my belt and it's been amazing. Every year brings more joy and love than I ever imagine. This year, we were blessed with Elijah who completes our family and who I have fallen hopelessly in love with. And now I'm excited to sit back and watch my kids grow and enjoy all the magic that comes with it. I know that there are many exciting things to look forward to..and as always, I'm ready for it. 

From the bottom of my heart ..thank you for being my friend. My family. An acquaintance. Heck, even a frenemy. Thank you for sharing your lives with me and allowing me to do the same.

Anyhoo..Kids are finally snoozing...so you know what that means. Birthday girl - signing out!

Trying to accept myself

Yes, this is a rant. Not a cry for help or a self loathing pity party.

I HATE the way I look and feel right now. I knew that my body after baby number 2 would be different but I did not anticipate how much I would loathe it.

I worked so hard after Rosalie to get my body back to what it was. It took a lot of exercise and motivation to reach my goals but I managed to do it. I told myself that this time around would be the same. That I would hit the gym right when I was done healing. Here I am, 6 weeks later...feeling and looking like I'm still 5 months pregnant.

I started this pregnancy at 126 pounds. I ended at 158. I am currently 140. None of my pre pregnancy clothes fit and shopping for new ones is always a bust. Not even my shoes look right on me since I'm carrying all this new weight in my legs and midsection. I am feeling embarrassed to leave the house, let alone go out and get dressed for a nice occasion. I'm two dress sizes up from what I used to be and I want to delete every picture I take that shows my body from the neck down. Yes, I feel that horrible.

You can think to yourself "What is she talking about? She doesn't even look that bad." But like I said, I'm not fishing for compliments here, this is just the reality of what we normal women face when our body changes so drastically after a pregnancy. It toys with our emotions. It has left me sensitive and self conscious. And with all my new time constraints and the scarcity of rest, let alone sleep, I can't even begin to motivate myself to go the gym.  And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my milk supply. So it leaves me here. Helpless about the way I feel.

This is kind of a pointless post, but I just needed to vent. I wanted to expose the true nature of what I'm going through now as a mother of two. I love my children to death. They're my world. But you really do give up a lot of yourself to motherhood and physical appearance is just one of the many casualties for me. I know that as the months go by, I'll find a way to feel better about myself and enjoy looking in the mirror again, but for now, this is me. I keep trying to tell myself to give my body
 a break. After all, it did make and sustain two living human beings. But when I stand there surrounded by all my beautiful friends and see all these clothes in my closet that I can't even wear....it's hard not to get sad.

I guess for now all I can do is try to stay healthy and focus on giving my babies the best parts of me. I hope I can eventually reach the point where I am finally feeling like me...but til then, there's always spanks and stretchy pants.

One Week Postpartum

Ever wonder what happens after people go home with their baby? The trend that I usually see with my friends who find out they're expecting is that they post a plethora of "preggo" pics all the way up to the adorable hospital photo where all the newborns get the same ol' hat and blankie to announce that the little one has finally come. For a few months the pictures slow down except for an occasional close up of a sleepy newborn - then BAM! A couple months later they're back at it posting pictures of themselves looking great and happier than ever with a super cute and magically chubby baby by their side (3 months of religiously nursing will do that). Sound familiar?

The first few months of having a newborn are grueling and at the same time very rewarding. This first week for us has had its ups and downs - there are moments when I am so filled with joy and just love soaking in every minute of our family of four. But there are also moments when I'm teetering on the edge of sanity wishing that I could be four places at once. This time around, the balancing act for me has been between Rosalie and Recovery.

Even when we started TRYING for this baby I was scared of how Rosalie would react. The main reason why I wanted another child is because I wanted Rosalie to have a sibling. A playmate for life. Don't get me wrong - she LOVES this baby. She has been so anxious to hold him, kiss him, and hug him. She thinks he's a little doll and wants to take him EVERYWHERE. Even with the littlest noises he makes, she can't help but swoon over his cuteness. At the same time, I can also tell she's dealing with emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. She seems resentful now that our attention is split between the two of them. Sometimes I can't tell if it's all a part of her "terrible twos" or if her temper tantrums have doubled. The other day, she was so upset with me because I wouldn't get up from nursing Elijah to follow her into her bedroom. She didn't want to speak to me and she quietly cried in her bed. I felt SO bad. That topped with an overdose of estrogen and I was sent into a crying fit of my own. "My poor baby", I thought to myself. We've had a few moments like this but I just have to keep telling myself that it takes some serious adjusting from every member of the family when a new baby comes home. And just knowing that Rosalie is going to love life a little more because she has a baby brother to share it with in the future makes me feel just a tad bit better.

Recovery time? Hardly existent. It's definitely been a struggle now that there are two kids in the picture. This time around, I definitely expected the sleepless nights and the half sane days, so that's not what is so bad. What has been difficult for me is dealing with my self image and learning to take it easy. Elijah has been an amazing baby thus far. He eats, sleeps, and poops. Probably all in a 3 hour cycle that just repeats itself so its just a matter of me getting used to his schedule and learning to sleep when he sleeps. I've been so busy trying to accommodate for Rosalie and keeping the house clean for visitors that I haven't really had time to rest. I even tried to fit a little walk in the other day because I am SO anxious to exercise again but I failed miserably and ended up back at home with a sore bottom and a lot of regret. My body has definitely taken it harder this time around - I gained about 32 lbs with this pregnancy and came home from the hospital a mere 11 lbs lighter. I feel and look so different that it's hard not to be a little bummed about it. All I know is that once I hit my 6 week postpartum check up and the doc says its ok, I am definitely going to find time to go to the gym and at least TRY to start feeling like myself again. Trying not to beat myself up about how I look has been a big part of recovery for me...It HAS only been one week so I'm hoping that breastfeeding combined with giving my body the time it needs to heal will help me start feeling better.

Sleepy Newborn Photo #1

Having a baby is euphoric. You leave the hospital feeling like a champ for popping out another human being, but once the fog has lifted, you see that the road to a full recovery (mentally and physically) is full of twists and turns. If you're anything like me, you find yourself up and breastfeeding a fussy baby at 3 o'clock in the morning with sore nipples and a pounding headache trolling online feeds  for other new moms who are just as crazy as you are. But, speaking from experience, it took me about 3 months the first time to feel in tune with my motherhood and finally shake off the baby blues so I expect about the same, if not more, for this one.

Having survived this first week with two kids was quite the experience in many good ways. There are moments when I ask myself why I do the things I do, but I look over and see my loving and supportive husband -  half as exhausted as I am with Rosalie climbing on his back asking him to "crawl faster daddy!" - and then I look down in my arms and see my perfect little Elijah who  is healthy and peacefully sleeping - and then I remember: I truly love this life of mine and it can only get better from here.

Elijah Anthony: His Birth Story

While the details are fresh in my mind, I'd like to share Elijah's birth story with the world. Disclaimer: Graphic details exposed in this VERY long post that has very minimal editing.

It all started Monday night, August 12th, when I woke up in the middle of the night with major cramping in my lower abdomen. Since I've experienced contractions before, I knew that these pains were not contractions because they were not regular and were not radiating throughout my entire midsection like I had experienced before. I was SO worried because I just hit 36 weeks and I did not want to believe that I was in labor, so I slept through the pain. Luckily when I woke up in the morning, I was just fine. Luckily I didn't wake Anthony up and cause him to panic for nothing!

Tuesday morning, I woke up, excited to be on my first day of disability leave from work, and had all these plans for myself. I ran some last minute errands and spent the rest of the day with my sister with lunch and a movie. I DID notice though that my stomach had dropped a few centimeters and the baby was no longer pressing on my ribcage, but was now very heavily pushing on my bladder. I figured that the pains I had the night before were indication that the baby had "dropped". I read up on it through Google (like all paranoid mothers do) and confirmed to myself that I had at least a week or two before baby was here so there was nothing to worry about! Boy, was I wrong.

First Family photo

I woke up on 5:15 on Wednesday morning because I felt a trickling between my legs. I thought to myself "How embarrasing! I think I just wet the bed". I woke up, saw a big puddle of liquid beneath me and got up to go to the bathroom. I absolutely did not think my water broke because like before, I was in denial because it was so early! But when I went to the toilet and saw clear liquid that was tinged with blood, I knew that it was time.

"Babe...My water broke!" With that, Anthony got up and started getting ready for the hospital. Luckily, the hospital bag was MOSTLY packed. I wasn't feeling any pain or contractions yet, so we very calmly called our families, and since we did not want to wake Rosalie, we decided to wait for my Father in Law to come to our apartment and take her back to their house whenever she woke up. When he got there at around 6:00 am, we headed for the hospital.

The 15 minute drive felt like an eternity. I sat there, with a soaked tshirt between my legs and very minimal contractions, worrying myself half to death because I was only 36 weeks and 1 day along. All that went through my mind was "I hope he doesn't have to spend time in the NICU" "I pray that everything checks out okay" "Will everything go smoothly enough to where I can have a natural labor?" Anthony was so great during the whole thing. He kept reassuring me that everything was fine and that God had planned this out for a reason. In the back of my mind, I was also completely bummed that I did not get a week or two of R&R before baby came.

After checking in, the doctor at triage confirmed that my water had ruptured and I was about 3-4 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Depending on how fast I progressed, I could be there from 2 hours to 20 hours. Since it was my 2nd baby, they figured that I would go fast. My contractions were getting pretty strong at this point, but were still quite bearable. I did ask for the epidural as soon as I could get it though because in my mind, the less pain, the better.

They got me admitted and checked into a delivery room probably by 7:30am. The doctor checked  on me and I had dilated to 5-6 cm in just 1 hour. We knew then that it would be fast! My mom, sister, and Anthony were in the room with me and all of us were shocked at how fast I was progressing. We knew the baby would be here probably within the next couple hours.

Big sis celebrating with some "bubbly"

As fast as this labor was going, it definitely felt like a slower pace than my first. Everything was so calmly executed and I really had time to absorb all the details of it. I  was in so much pain with the first one by the time that I got to the hospital that I do not remember much of it at all. This time around, I DID feel the sting of the epidural in my back. I DO remember the catheter and the pain of the doctors checking me every 30 minutes. I WAS able to to notice all the preparation going on around me. It was good, but at the same time, very bad. Lol.

After the epidural kicked in, it was pretty much a waiting game from there. We sat around, they ate breakfast while I starved (lol), and had time to notify our friends and family that I was in labor. I had asked the nurse so many questions about late pre-term babies, I knew she could tell that I was so worried. By the time the doctor came to check on me at 10:25 am, I was fully dilated, and baby's head was already making its way through the birth canal. I asked for a mirror again for the pushing so I can gauge if I was making any progress or not, so even I saw his head peeking through! When they said the words, "time to push" I all of a sudden got nervous because in about 5 minutes, my life would be changed forever and I wasn't sure if it was going to be good or bad.

Spotlights on. Legs in stirrups. Everyone in position. I gave one BIG push and his head was out. "One More!" they said. Deep breath. PUSH. It felt like a wet towel slipping out of my vagina followed by a strong gush of fluid. In my peripheral vision I saw my sister and mom get taken aback with shock. Anthony's eyes lit up and I heard the cries of my son. They lifted him up into my vision and there he was, this perfect little boy, wailing loudly for his mother, beautiful in every single way. He did not get whisked away to the NICU, but instead, was placed in my arms where we locked eyes for the first time and then I knew...Everything was going to be okay and I was in love. So so in love.

He scored 9's on his apgar test and weighed in at 5lbs 11oz and was breathing beautifully. He even had a great sucking reflex which they said was their biggest concern for late preterm babies. I could not stop thanking the Lord for our little blessing because even though it was not in MY plan that he would be here this early, it was his. And regardless about how worried I was, everything turned out wonderful, as it always has.

Fast forward to today: It's so great to be home from the hospital. We spent 48 hours there just to make sure that his health checked out and we were all set to go home. Anthony and I laugh about how funny our 2nd time at the hospital was because we were seasoned veterans at this parenting thing. We remember how the first time we were there with Rosalie, we called the nurse every hour asking how to do something. This time, we really just didn't want to be bothered. But we sincerely do have an appreciation for nurses now because the people who took care of us were just wonderful! (Or maybe we're just biased because many of our friends are in the same field?) Either way, we were so happy to be back in our bed, at home with our 2 kids. Rosalie has her moments of jealousy, but for the most part, is just as in love with her brother as we are.

As for Elijah, he is such an amazing baby. He looks so different to me than his sister does, but they have very similar features, like their lips from their dad. He's such a good baby, hardly ever cries, and is getting used to sleeping in his bed and not being so spoiled like Rosalie was! (Lol, we've learned our lesson). I have had to supplement with formula because his blood sugar was low, so that's kind of a bummer, but I'll save all THOSE details for a later post.

Daddy and Son = <3

Anthony is an AMAZING dad. He is so hands-on with both our kids that it amazes me. I've probably only changed like 2 diapers since Elijah has been born and I am so relieved to have him here with me as my partner. I am just in awe of his demeanor during this entire time and I seriously love and appreciate him so much more everyday (As if that was possible). But no, that doesn't mean I love him enough to have another one of his children...anytime SOON at least ;)

For now, It's time for us to enjoy this newborn phase together as a family and get adjusted to our new chapter in life with baby Elijah. Thank you to all our friends and family for your continued love and support..My heart has grown about 3 times larger already, not just for my babies and husband, but because of all of you as well. From the bottom of our hearts, we are truly thankful to be this blessed and wish nothing but the same for all of our loved ones. This story is DEFINITELY "to be continued".  =D

It's Almost time!

I am just about 34 weeks along and baby's due date is right around the corner. In 6 weeks or less, we are about to be parents of a baby boy. How amazing!

These past few months have been very bittersweet. We are truly enjoying these last weeks with Rosalie as she continues to gain independence and develop more of a personality everyday. I sometimes wonder if all girls go through the "all I want to wear is frilly pink butterflies, flowers, and hearts" phase or if she's just EXTRA girly. I have no idea where she got it from because that is certainly not from me or her dad! My assumption is that she sees all these little princesses on TV and wants to be just like them. Either way, it's quite the debacle getting her dressed every morning because she sometimes takes forever figuring out which "beautiful dress" she wants to wear (she has a closet full!). Oh, and she's already taken the liberty of naming her little brother "Minnie" and is not happy with him being called anything else.

Our Little Princess

This pregnancy definitely started off a little rocky - mostly because I expected it to be so much like my first when it wasn't. My body has handled everything a little differently this time around and although it wasn't as smooth as the first time, I'd say I'm pretty lucky to have been this healthy thus far and mostly complication-free. I can't say that I'm scared to go back to the delivery room - maybe just a little nervous because I haven't worked out ONE BIT during this pregnancy. I mean seriously, besides walking around the mall and Disneyland, that's about all the exercise I've gotten. Last time I was so active and had so much energy that my delivery was a piece of cake. This time, I was a little more restricted because of my back pain and a bit of bleeding that I had to be careful about. I am hopeful though. A lot of moms that I've spoken to have said that 2nd time is always faster, so if my first time was just about 4 hours long, I'm hoping for the best with this one!

As of now, we are completely unprepared for baby. All of our old baby things are still up in storage and the hospital bag is not yet packed. I remember with Rosalie, we were on top of all that by the time I was 30 weeks along. Not that we're any less excited about this baby, but probably because now we know what to expect and Anthony for sure is a pro at building baby furniture. Oh, and the fact that Rosalie's toy collection grows every week doesn't help the cause much. But it's okay, after our baby showers over the next couple weekends (thanks to our wonderful family and friends who pushed us for one even though I didn't want to, love you guys!) I'm sure we'll get on top of it.

My 34 Week Belly

As each day passes, my anxiety about random things gets worse and worse. I don't know if it's a symptom of pregnancy or it's just me, but it feels like every little thing is something to worry about. And I'm not talking about "oh did I leave the kitchen light on"...I'm talking about worrying about the future of this baby and how it's going to change our lives/family once again. I worry about being a working mom and missing time out with my kids. I worry about money too much. I worry about his health - mental and physical. I worry that I will never get my old body back (My issues with my image this time around have been a real drag). All these thoughts just love to bombard my mind at night and if I wasn't so darn tired by the end of the day, surely I'd be losing a lot of sleep over it. Luckily for me, exhaustion always wins.

Anyway, this post could probably continue for quite a while, but I'll stop here. Honestly, this will probably be the last one before the long awaited birth story (yay!). So I just wanted to get on here and write about how things have been going so far. For now, I'll enjoy the remaining date nights that I have with my husband, the one-on-one play dates with my daughter, and will continue to look forward to the big day. Although I have a lot going through my mind, nothing beats the excitement of meeting our special little guy - more so this time because I can finally say "I did it!" (again) and we can begin this amazing new chapter in our lives of being mommy and daddy to our two special blessings.

The Hardest Part....

This morning, the sound of Rosalie's voice penetrated through my ear plugs and I awoke to see her smiling face next to me on my bed.  (Ear plugs? Yes. With a husband and a 60 lb. bulldog that snore simultaneously, I would never be able to sleep without them!) Her daddy must've put her there before he hopped in the shower. Although it was 6:45 in the morning and I had trouble sleeping the night before, I already knew it was going to be a good day.

These last few months are so bittersweet for me. I feel like I'm tightly embracing these remaining days with Rosalie as my only child with all of my might, not for the sake of sadness, but because I know that pretty soon, I will not fill that role as being her favorite play mate anymore.

Last night I had a dream that she was getting married. I couldn't see the lucky guy's face and she just sat there, this beautiful stranger that I faintly recognized. I was still young and looking like my present self and I was giving the welcoming toast for the reception. I only said a few sentences and I wanted to write them in here before I forgot. It went something like this: "Rosalie, when you were growing up, there were times that I'd just stare at you with so much love and awe and think "I can't believe that she is mine." I knew that (insert mystery name here) was the one for you when I caught him one day giving you the same exact look. I'm so happy that you've found each other. Take care of my baby or else her dad will kill you. Cheers!" As you can imagine I woke up with cold sweats and tears in my eyes because the thought of giving my baby away is in no way pleasant! (Although, I think I WILL save that speech for her actual wedding day).

You see, this pregnancy has been hard...REAL hard. It seems like I sailed through my first one with ease and had a delivery that was written only in fairy tales - but not with this baby. The first thing I always get asked is "How's the pregnancy going?" Although I always want to make a sour face and tell them that I'm miserable and in pain, I smile and say, "It's going good!" Occassionally I'll throw in a quip about me being tired as heck, but that's as far as I'll go. But from backaches, to vivid dreams, to strange complications that have had me on pelvic rest, I must agree with those who say that "every pregnancy is different." If this is any implication of days to come, I know that I'm going to have my hands full with this little boy!

Am I scared of giving birth again? Not at all. Am I nervous about juggling 2 children, a career, and staying afloat with finances? A little. But God always provides. But you know what terrifies me to death? The fact that 2 halves of my heart are going to be walking around this Earth and I can't be there to protect them from every little thing that life is going to throw their way.

In reality, the hardest part about being a parent is not spending money or finding time to to still have a social life. The hardest thing about being a parent is dealing with the anxiety and worry that you feel on a daily basis knowing that your most valuable possesssions are not locked safely away in a vault that protects them from hurt, pain, and life in general. Each time you have a child, you send another valuable possession out there into the world and that is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in life.

Every mother goes through the sleepless nights and the tiring days where it feels like every single part of them  is spent and the best you can do is cry a little to relieve some pressure. But every night, that same mother probably goes to bed praying and hoping that they get to wake up again and see their children enjoy another day. I may not love being pregnant at the moment but I know that this is who I was meant to be. I sometimes wish I went to school a little longer or travelled the world a bit, but knowing that I'd have to give up everything I have today to do so..Not a chance. This is the path that God has put me on and as hard as it is sometimes, I would give my life just to know that my kids will always be safe. I found this picture online and I feel like this pretty much sums it up:

(Or daddy)

 

So to all the parents, soon-to-be parents, or anyone who aspires to be a parent one day - I pray that you find comfort in knowing that you are, or are destined to be, somebody's angel.

Preparing to be mom..again.

It's been quite a while since my last post and a lot has happened since then. When I first started this blog, I was newly married and anxiously awaiting the birth of our first child. Now here I am, pregnant with the second, and things this time around couldn't be more different.

2012 was a great year. It was a year where I did some "growing up" and found myself exhausting my social life to the point where I was finally ready to settle down and say "Ok, I'm ready for another baby". I was enjoying having my body back and Rosalie was growing so beautifully that everyone wanted to babysit her for a day or two, which left me with some "me" time. I think I'm at that point now where I've exhausted all of that "me" time and all I ever want these days is "us" time.

It takes a lot of financial and emotional preparation to plan for another baby, but luckily, we were blessed with so much this past year that we were finally able to reach that point. And plus, Rosalie is getting to a point now where all she loves to do is play, play play, so we figured that it was time to give her a more capable playmate.

It didn't happen right away like we had expected it to. It actually took 4 good months to finally get a positive pregnancy test - and although that doesn't sound long to some - it felt like an eternity to me. You really don't realize how scary it is to try to have a baby until you actually TRY to have a baby. Although all the formulas were right, the results were just not there and it got a little discouraging.

Needless to say, when I finally got that positive pregnancy test 2 days after Christmas, it was the best Christmas present EVER. And although we were expecting it in a way, it was still a big surprise when it actually happened. Even now, in my 15th week of pregnancy, I still don't think it has sunk in. I still can't believe that God has chosen us to bring TWO tiny humans into this world. It's such a huge responsibility, but nothing short of an amazing blessing for us.

Unlike my first pregnancy,  I definitely feel the effects of this one. I was so sick up until a couple weeks ago that I could hardly hold anything down. My food aversions were stronger than ever and I was so fatigued that I was in bed everyday by 9pm. It is also different this time around because instead of going home and lounging around, I have to be up and about playing with Rosalie and preparing dinner, her bath, etc. It was really exhausting for the first couple months that I hardly got to enjoy the "glow" that comes with being pregnant.

Emotionally, I'm a lot better this time around. I'm not giving myself anxiety everyday by worrying about this baby's health - partly because I know what to expect for the next 9 months and also because I trust in God's will for us. Although, I do have a lot of other emotions that I didn't feel the first time around. I feel like time is going by much faster with this pregnancy because I'm trying to savor all the moments that I have left with Rosalie.  In a way, I fear that there is not enough room in my heart because I am SO in love with her. It feels a little selfish, but I am sad that I won't be able to  dedicate 100% of my time and attention to her anymore - even though I know that having a sibling will benefit her so much as time goes on.

In the end of it all, I really am so excited for the next 5 months to fly by. I can't wait to hear the words "one last push" because I know that all that will follow is that euphoric feeling of falling in love all over again. I am highly anticipating the upcoming gender appointment next month, and the excitement of choosing a name that comes with it. It's the beginning of a beautiful new journey for us and at this very moment, I couldn't be happier.

On that note - I really am excited to be writing in this blog again and I can't wait to write about my new experiences with being a mom for the second time around. I've been feeling a little guilty lately because I haven't been documenting this pregnancy as much as I did the first one - but hopefully there will be a lot more posts to come.

The Garden that is Life

I posted on my Facebook status the other day: "The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it." It made me smile just how many people took the time to like it.

Everyone has experienced the "Grass is Greener Syndrome" at least one time in their life. In a world that is advancing everyday, we are presented with so many choices of how we want to spend our time. 50 years ago, our grandmothers were probably giving birth to litters of children and spending a great deal of their lives at home while their husbands worked from dusk til dawn. These days, we can google just about anything and open businesses that serve clients all across the globe. We can make travel arrangements through one simple website and get masters degrees without ever having to leave the house. It's amazing, really.

But with all these choices to make and all these new avenues to explore, it's easy to get restless. We can't be content with what we have because we're always wondering about the next big thing. We get the feeling that we're not doing enough with ourselves and if we're not out there living a hugely impactful life, we're failing. We consistently imagine that someone out there is enjoying life more than we are because their choices are allowing them to live a more fulfilling life.
Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. If our grandmothers had that attitude, it seriously could've put our very existence in jeopardy.

So, when I heard the lyric above on the new Justin Bieber CD (courtesy of Big Sean on "As Long as you Love Me" and yes, I like Justin Bieber), I thought "That is SO true!"

Yes yes, we always come up with excuses for ourselves as to why we long for a different life. I used to do that all the time. I would tell myself "I should've gone to graduate school " "I should've taken more time to travel" "I wish I could still party with all my friends" "I should've saved more money". And on top of that, I'd get jealous of all these people who ended up being doctors or took a year break from school to travel the world.

BUT THEN, I finally talked to one of these people that I was so jealous of. My good friend who is now a doctor told me that she wished she didn't sacrifice her relationship with her boyfriend to go to medical school abroad because now she is almost 30 and is still alone. She told me how she would look at MY pictures and be jealous of ME.  How crazy is that?! It really put things into perspective.

So now, when it comes to "gardening" my life, I know I had to trim things here and there to make room for the more beautiful flowers. Negativity, dwelling on the past, and wishful thinking were just weeds. They hindered the beauty of my now awesome garden. So, after much thought and further examination of my situation, I came up with some reasons why I love my life just the way it is:

- I love that we are young parents. It means that when we're 40, we can travel the world together while our grown-ass children secretly throw parties at home.

- Being married means no more complications. No more "who breaks down and calls first to say sorry" game because there ain't no way in hell he's going anywhere without me knowing since all of our accounts are linked together.

- I got a my bachelor's degree and I'm proud of myself for that.  College was one of the best times of my life and I made a lot of amazing friends. There will always be time for more education. It's never too late. But for now, I have an amazing job that gives me the flexibilty to do what I want (like write in my blog).

- Money didn't buy my happiness. Taking all those trips and eating all that amazing food did. A lifetime of memories was SO worth it. (Creditors, please consult me before stealing this for one of your commercials.)

So, that's me revelling in my life and all it's glory. Try it sometime. Write down what you're unhappy with at the moment and evaluate it thoroughly. You may find that your life is more fulfilling than you think.

Life today.

I can't emphasize enough how FAST time has flown by. This year is just about halfway done and it feels like only yesterday when we celebrated Rosalie's first birthday on New Year's Day.

I've been trying to remind myself to live life one day at a time but sometimes, I just get too ahead of myself. Our weekends get filled up pretty quickly and things always come up here and there. Our precious time is constantly slipping through our fingers. I haven't even been able to write a post in so long so here I am, pushing myself to update more often.

Life at home is going great. We're really trying to focus our energy on ironing things out this year so we can be ready to buy our first home sometime in 2013. We're just enjoying each day, trying to fit in school, work, family, love, kids, and friendships. I'm surprised by how well we've managed. I love how in our relationship, we have an understanding of what our priorities should be. In fact, I'm starting to see more now how important that little fact is in a marriage. Making sure that your priorities are aligned will save you from A LOT of headaches.

Rosalie is growing so fast, and like I always say, she's such a joy. We just started "My Baby Can Read" and it feels like such an accomplishment when we see it working! Her little mind is developing so quickly and her mimicking our every move reminds me just how careful I have to be with my actions now that I'm a mom. There's seriously nothing better than hearing her say "mama" and "daddy" and actually knowing what that means! I don't want to promote a "clingy" behavior, but how can I resist when I know that all this beautiful child wants is me? Motherhood gets better each day. I try to take as many pictures as I can so I can remember these precious moments. I've seriously been thinking about writing her letters like in that Google Chrome commercial with the little Asian girl that always makes me cry just so she knows how crazy I am about her. And when she's a rebellious teenager, she'll read the letters and realize why her parents are so paranoid about her going out with her friends without us (lol).

As for my weight loss journey, it is never-ending. Just before Vegas on my May 5 deadline (which I totally forgot to write about), I was 116.5 pounds! 115 was my goal and I got pretty close, so I'm happy about that. Now my main goal is to tone up and continue to strive for healthy weight loss. I started working with a personal trainer twice a week, and she really pushes me to my limit, especially because I'm not used to lifting weights. It feels like I'm constantly sore and I never really heal from our last session before she decides to rip me a new one. But honestly, I'm loving it! I love seeing the changes in my body. I've never felt stronger. It helps that she has given me very specific goals, but the main one is to get my body fat percentage down by 4% and to keep my weight under 118. I'm not so concerned with the scale anymore, but more with how I feel and look. I'm really glad though that I finally took the initiative to lose the baby weight. It was one of the best decisions I've made this year!

Well, half a year left and so much has happened already. Wonder what could be next?

2 Years Married

Today is our 2 year anniversary. (Applause) Can't really say that it's much of a feat because honestly, it's been easy. It's easy loving this man and spending my life with him. What can I say that I haven't said already? There are so many ways to tell you how amazing he is. So I'll just take this time to tell you how this past year has changed me.

What I've learned:
1) Stay Hungry.
Sometimes you are so happy with your life that you become content. And in some ways contentment can lead to boredom. And boredom, well, can lead to a lot of other things. I've learned that it's important to always keep strategizing your future together. Right now, we are in this happy little routine where we know exactly who does what and what goes where, etc.  Rosalie is 16 months old now and as fun as ever. We are very much enjoying our time with her and our time together. We could easily say we are happy with where we are but where does that lead us?
When we were dating, Anthony always told me that relationships are like rollercoasters. They go up and down and in order to keep the ride interesting, you HAD to throw an uphill in there. Some kind of struggle or accomplishment that you'd go through and strive to overcome together.  Whenever we hit a downhill, he always did his best to keep things interesting. And for that, I love him. First we bought a dog, then we got engaged, then we had a baby..well you get the point. It keeps our relationship interesting and our eyes focused on the prize. At the end of the rollercoaster, you want your hair to be messed up and your underarms sweaty so you can look back and say "WHOA. Best ride ever!"

2) A good relationship involves two really great forgivers.
Couples fight. Fights are an essential part of your relationship. When you're married, a whole new genre of fighting comes into your lives. What do I mean by that? Well, when we were in college, jealousy plagued our relationship. But now, most of our jealousy issues have completely gone away. No longer do the days exist when we fight about "the girl in the picture who's arm is wrapped around you a little too tightly".
NOW we fight about things that actually make sense and that have meaning in our lives. Is this a good thing? No. We don't fight often, but when we do, it's actually a lot more painful and more aggressive because fighting only take place when deep rooted issues come out to bite us in the ass. Now, our fights involve arguments that are a matter of our well being, such as finance and decisions about the future of our family.
When you're married, your tolerance and forgiving nature must increase ten fold. Not only do you have to learn to forgive whatever that other person says in the heat of an argument, but you must be patient enough to not throw the word "divorce" out there whenever you hit a block in the road (something I've had to learn that hard way). Obviously, you will make mistakes and so will your partner, but it's really about learning to move past things quickly and not holding grudges because the last thing you want in your relationship is something holding you back from true happiness. You did promise to be with them forever.

3) Keep finding things in common.
Just because you're married, doesn't mean that you're not always changing. I find myself always looking for new hobbies and suddenly disliking things that I once adored. I used to be a huge fan of reality television, and now I'm so sick of it that I could slap Kim Kardashian's pretty little face. People are always growing and changing, which is why you always have to find a way to keep each other entertained. You must learn to humor the other person. He doesn't like every show that I do, but he's learned to love all the housewives on Wisteria lane just because that's what I do every Sunday night. I'm not particulary a big fan of the Miami Heat, but sure, I'll root for them too because it makes him happy whenever they win. Give and take. It's the only way you'll keep enjoying spending time together.

4) Keep looking at the big picture.
From the moment you say "I do", you'll have to sacrifice a lot to make it work. Sometimes the sacrifices are small and other times, they're really really big. I've never been asked to leave my comfort zone so many times except since we've been married. We've both had to suffer a little bit to get us to where we want to be. It's easy to forget sometimes what you're doing it for, which is why you have to remember to look at the bigger picture. So whether it's living at one of your parents' house for a little bit to save for a house, or working a little more hours so your spouse can find a new job, be supportive. There will always be huge decisions to make. Choose the one where it benefits your entire family, even if it means being "uncomfortable" for the time being. Take it all in stride. Give 100% of yourself if you know that it is what's best for everyone in the end.

Well, what can I say? It's been a progressive, exciting, and amazing year and I'm learning more and more as we go. Being married isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It really is hard work. But trust me, when you find the person that's worth doing it for, all of it just becomes a lesson in the road of life. You always need the bad times to appreciate the good.

I am forever grateful for the blessing in my life that is my husband. Two years into it and I've learned more about myself than I ever did in my whole adolescent life. Today isn't an anniversary. It's a freakin' celebration! So happy anniversary babe, I love you with all my heart and soul. May God continue to bless us with health, happiness, and beautiful children who carry the attributes of their amazing father.

Us. <3

Progress Shots

DISCLAIMER: Viewer discretion is advised!

I know I promised before and after pictures IF and ONLY IF I was seeing progress. I've been taking progress shots practically every week and honestly, it's what keeps me going. When this year started, I was seriously to the point of disgust when I would look at myself in the mirror. As the days go on and the pictures start getting easier to bear, I work harder and harder knowing that I'm getting closer to my goal weight and my goal body.

If I could give any piece of advice, I would say to definitely take progress shots of your self at least every 2 weeks. Whether or not you are happy with the results, let it motivate you to keep working harder so you can finally see the results you want.

So, even though I am completely embarrassed to show these, I continue to hope that sharing my struggles and triumphs will keep me motivated, and strike a chord in some of you as well. Because no matter where you're starting, it's always possible to reach your goal!

Day 1 Shot
January 1, 2012

Day 60
March 5, 2012

Yes, believe it or not, that is all me. The first picture is just...wow. No photoshop, although I did make some adjustments to the lighting to try to match the photos a bit better. Even though I've probably only lost about 8 pounds, I can definitely see that my midsection is getting more toned and I've dropped a lot of the fat. The area that I've noticed the most change in is my butt, but obviously, I won't post a picture of that (lol). 

I only hope that I can keep improving from here. I'm not exactly where I want to be yet, I still have a lot of body fat and would like to tone up a bit more. I really have to start lifting more weights. Lifting might mean that I'll gain a few pounds, but if that equals better pictures..then sure, why not ;)