So glad we made it...Look how far we've come, my baby

Together, we made it. The 3 of us have made it to month 4 of Rosalie's life, and like her, I am reaching my own  developmental milestones.

I've been singing a whole new tune these past few days, and believe me, it's a happier one. Every time I've read over that last post about being "real", I've realized how solemn I've been and how my emotional struggle of being a new mom has managed to ease itself comfortably between the lines of my entries. While I've had my fair share of baby blues, it feels so good to finally get something right and to start feel a little normal again.

The little lady

I was feeling emotionally conflicted because I wanted to be honest with myself and admit that being a parent was downright hard, but at the same time, I felt like the luckiest person in the world for being blessed with a healthy and beautiful baby girl. I struggled to accept all the changes that were happening in my life, along with all the new responsibilities of being a parent. My constant worrying and fear of change was causing me anxiety, and it showed.

But something happened. Like a slap in the face, we had a scare of an accident the day before we left for Miami. Rosalie was in the car with us, and when our car collided with the other one, every hair on my body stood up and my only thought was to throw myself onto her carseat to make sure that she was safe. No need to worry, the accident wasn't a bad one..but just enough to scare the begeezus out of me.

As we waited on the side of the road for help to come, I held Rosalie on my lap as she happily outlined the Mickey Mouse on my shirt with her little finger. I remember looking at her and being so relieved that she was safe, and even though she wasn't hurt and will probably never remember it, I wish she hadn't been in the car with us that day to experience that. Had something happened to her, I would've traded every sleepless night and sore muscle I've ever had just to rewind time. The thought of it alone makes me sick to my stomach.

This past month, I've come to realize that the problem wasn't that I was losing my sleep and sanity, the problem was that I struggled with being a perfect mom...and condering the fact that this is my first baby, I had no clue what I was doing. I resorted to books and websites...anything I could find that would tell me what was supposed to be happening and how my baby should be acting at this age and that. I had expectations...and when those expectations weren't fulfilled, I'd think to myself "What am I doing wrong" "Why isn't she sleeping through the night yet?" "Why is she so small?" I was trying to raise her "by the book" and obviously, that wasn't working. I was my biggest critic, and the pressure that I was putting on myself to be a good mom, to lose weight, be a good wife, and to never ask for help was really weighing down on me and affecting how I viewed myself as a mother...as a person.

Me and my chubby little princess

Since then, I've learned to just relax and follow my own cues and not some expert who is a complete stranger to me and family. I've been so much happier with myself as a parent because I've learned to let go of my expectations and just enjoy her and all the little things that make our time together so special. She's developing so quickly and learning new things everyday at such a fast rate that I want to slap myself for ever wanting to fast forward time. She laughs and coos, smiles and screams, and even reaches for things and plays with her own reflection. Before I know it, she'll be going to school and facing the world on her own, and as much as I want to keep her safe from pain and danger, I know I can't bubble wrap her and keep her at home forever.

Right now, I couldn't be any happier with where I'm at. I feel much more comfortable and confident as a mom...I'm learning to trust myself and my instincts. Her personality is really starting to shine and being with her is such a joy. Anthony and I are enjoying taking her out and letting her explore all her new surroundings, and so is she! Now that I'm back to work, every minute with her counts...So when she wakes up hungry at 3 a.m., or simply just wanting to be held, that's more than okay...because most of the time, I want to hold her too.